Family Guy Season 8 Ep.2 - Family Guy Full Episode Uncuts 1080p
[Music] come on everybody let's go oh this is so exciting you know this is the 10th Year my father has raised his yacht in the Newport Regatta man I hope he lets me on his team this year I haven't been part of a team since I was with the four Peters [Music] [Music] hey hey [Music] come on Stewie let's go yes yes I'm just checking the mail I say here's one from the vet give me that good Lord worms you have worms I don't have worms all right I just got checked for worms oh wait no I do have worms Oh god oh what am I gonna do I can't afford the medication for this well you could ask Lewis in the fat one no no no you cannot tell them about this please Peter is not very discreet with private matters hey everybody Meg just had her first period Peter shut up it's three in the morning what the hell's going on out there damn it people are trying to sleep I'm just saying I'm proud of her she's a woman yay yes Peter that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I am exhausted just please don't tell them you know perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride and a little more about the creepy crawlies shawl shanking their way out of your balloon knot come on kids after Grandma and Grandpa's house thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Mrs Babs Mr Carter La Familia Griffin Lois darling it's wonderful to see you hi Mom hi Daddy Grandpa hello everyone hey Mr PewDie Schmidt Peter I see you're still fatter than holy hell yeah you can read me like a book so which of the Latin countries are you from the one with the Civil War the one with the cocaine or the one with the fancy hats isn't this fun Peter you and I get to stay in my old High School Rome wow this looks just like my room at home yeah except for all the trophies and pictures of friends hmm that's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen and the granny for album of the year goes to Justin Timberlake ha it actually goes to Nelly Nelly wow Mom were you a miss teen Rhode Island I sure was Meg when I was 16 years old in fact your mom was offered a modeling contract really why didn't you take it well I wanted to but your grandfather wouldn't let me but Daddy they offered me a contract my girl is not lowering herself to modeling that sort of uncouth activity is below this family now go away I'm busy Farnsworth the usual sir [Music] thank you feeding the worms are yours do we shut up all right yes I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast you know what's interesting I've only been alive for six weeks I know nothing of the world Beyond this dog's stomach and I still find six feet under pretentious so uh Mr pure Smith the big races tomorrow huh bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat are you calling me gay no no I just I just thought you might want some extra semen on your uh on your poop deck cash scam is your way to make real money you could become rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams by selling These Fine products over the phone Rich beyond my wildest dreams I say I Could Be A Millionaire Playboy okay girls are you all ready to play all right then one two three green light red light green light red light oh Brandy you're out sorry you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight making copies I'll remember that I was born in 1987. ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 20th annual Newport Regatta Newport would like to extend a special welcome to all those here today who have children stationed overseas in Iraq I'm just kidding there they are team pewter Schmidt say where's your husband or as I call him my son-in-lard snap snap oh I'm sure he'll be along daddy Ahoy Mr pure Schmidt Peter what the hell are you doing in my bathtub oh this is not a bathtub this is the SS pure Schmidt kicker this is ridiculous I won't have a member of my family racing in a bathtub well Daddy you didn't want Peter in your boat so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money and now to fire the starting gun is recently paroled presidential assassin John Hinckley you fired that gun real nice John wow Jody Foster hey thanks maybe I was wrong about you maybe I was wrong about all men [Applause] we're not going fast enough loser what I say hello I said you're a loser who is this [Music] the Finish Line we can't let him beat us and we gotta lose some extra weight quick everyone take off your clothes [Music] it's working just need a little more [Music] Lois what the hell were you doing out there not listening to you for once Daddy and look what happened I had a lot of fun I should have stopped listening to you a long time ago let's go home Peter right behind you Hey where's Meg what is it sir that's what we call a manatee boys or in nautical Slang The Sea Cow [Music] to him these worms ah this itch Ryan what the hell are you doing oh uh nothing just uh some uh Pilates don't lie to me Brian I know what this is you're looking for an ass race first one to the kitchen wins go still got the worms eh yeah that's stupid medicine's 300 bucks hmm well let me make you a proposal I'll front you the money and you pay it off by working for me cash scam are you kidding I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme very well then enjoy your worms wait wait what would I have to do just be in my room tomorrow at 9am for orientation until then keep this in mind whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right hey everybody wait till you see this oh my God movable printed type we must keep this from the Surfs lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry well you got there my Lord nothing back to your turnips look it's a picture of us at the Regatta wow Mom you look pretty thank you Chris I thought so too and you know what I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger I'm gonna become a model hey that's fantastic Lois and I'll pleasure myself to your photos me too me too oh God Meg that's sick that's your mother I'm just trying to fit in get out get out of this house I said no that's good about your modeling Lois Lois they sure are terrific thank you Mart I'm trying to get into modeling that's great oh hey get out of here hey go on get out I didn't hurt anybody down I'm your friend that greased up deaf guy is gonna be the dead to me like business isn't bad enough already well gosh what you ever think about sending out a mailer cause I know why you could get a good deal on a model me get out get out [Music] what the hell is all this ah Brian you're here good okay let me give you the rundown uh this is your work area please keep personal knickknacks tasteful you get 25 minutes for lunch and um uh enjoy it here welcome aboard yes uh it's Brian oh yes the new fellow come on in uh what what uh exactly am I supposed to do you'll pick up the phone and you'll sell sell sell but before you go thinking it's all seriousness the first Friday of every month is wacky tacky Thai day Phil you know start picking up some fun tacky tires to wear oh we're uh we're done here you go guys Lois could I be a son of a [ __ ] and impose on you to sign one of your flyers for me I have caused Cleveland oh man I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model I'm luckier than the state of Rhode Island well I can't decide what to call this place well flip a coin all right heads Rhode Island tails pardon me are you Lois Griffin the Goldman's Pharmacy girl yes I suppose I am Karen Parada modeling agent listen sugar I've seen your stuff you're a breath of fresh air in my stoma I could get you a lot more work if you sign with my agency really oh my God how exciting well here's my card give me a call now perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up allow me so uh let's uh what's going on you ever get freaky with that thing or what um Brian could you come in here for one second yeah what is hang on hang on one second yes uh Grover what is it this has to be quick I am so pressed yes the letter G is wonderful of course and the number six you know if if you're gonna shout we can just talk later oh oh okay all right you know what call me back when you calm down uh you wanted something oh yes can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket thank you and if Cookie Monster calls tell him I am not talking to him until he gets out of rehab Contraband check what are these I don't know what do you mean you don't know I I don't know how they got there well I think you do know no no uh Derek was in here earlier he was making the beds he probably put them uh I was in the John you guys are Nazis man you're freaking Nazis well here we are Lois your first professional photo shoot oh Karen this is so exciting knock him dead honey hey hey Peter Griffin how's it going I'm uh I'm hitting that [Music] hi is uh Mr Donald there please and is he the head of the household if I could just have a few moments of your time hello oh Brian there you are um can I talk to you about something uh yeah what is it that coffee mug you have on your desk that says life's a beach um that's dangerously close to the word [ __ ] isn't it uh yeah that's the joke oh absolutely and and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie and uh you know between you and me I think it's a stitch but some of the other employees have found it offensive other employees who else works here besides me [ __ ] you that's who works here dinner's almost ready kids well Lois look at you you're like Britney Spears except you're not a fat guy I get it Dad how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this I mean she's half naked it makes all women look bad Meg who let you back in the house oh Karen come on in Lois I got your new headshots and I set up a shoot for you over at glamor next Monday but sugar you're gonna need these to stay on top diet pills Karen I'm not gonna take these I don't need to lowest sooner or later every model needs a little boost huh I just want to make sure you got everything you need hey you like Pez sure foreign together a puzzle because I just found a hot piece well Lois you look great I'd like to split you in half like a piece of lumber oh thank you Glenn yeah Lois I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask how are you guys okay easy fellas Lois I'd like to make a caramel colored baby with you take it easy Cleveland take your jacket off check it off check it off all right all right that's it that's enough Tina what are you doing Lois if you being a model means you're gonna be eye candy for the whole town and I ain't going for it excuse me who do you think you are my father I wish I think Meg was right lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise you can't stop me from modeling Peter this is important to me I am going to the top and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it who the hell does he think he is [Music] huh come on come on go away we now return to um [Music] all right hey there sweetie I got a wax this morning and let's just say you cleared for landing huh giggity Lois what the hell's up with you lately you're acting all weird and you're staying out all night I was just out with some of the girls and you're not gonna believe this I got invited to a Vogue magazine party that guest list is more exclusive than the Garden of Eden so basically you can eat from any tree you want except this one can we sit underneath it you know I would just not go near it at all [Applause] Brian thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation now then I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich where I say something good then talk about where you need Improvement and then end with something good whatever you gotta do okay um let's see something good something good something good you look like Snoopy and it makes me smile where you need Improvement you have smelly dog farts something good something good oh you really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week that is Sensational you really made me feel confident about those numbers listen if you're ever looking for a change of scenery we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati that was you in Disguise no it wasn't yes it was no it wasn't fine it wasn't ah it was Mr pure Schmidt I need your help Lois is out of control I mean she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried ecstasy ah Brian your fur is so soft oh your ears your ears are like doggies oh this couch Stewie your head is so smooth how is that even how you doing that how you doing that ah everything here is fantastic ah these clothes I'm really worried about it Mr pewter Schmidt and I just figured I'd come to you since you were always good at reeling her in well Lois was always a wild stallion but don't worry I know how to control her and I'll help you but first you have to do something for me eat this pine cone well eh eat it it will amuse me how is it how does it taste it's awful finish it eat it I hate it eat it eat it it hurts this is for Louis go on good all right we good to go yep all right how's my mantan here we go all set go a little body glitter for you yeah yeah that's hot that's hot all right let's do this check out these ribs Lois oh yeah that's nothing go ahead try them out [Music] hey not bad ah do you see Jimmy Smith's in there yeah yeah that was cool so uh what'd you want to see me about you know Brian there was a note in the suggestion box that says Stewie should eat a steaming bag of well I'm not going to say the last word but I think you know what it is look Brian a corporation is a lot like a centipede it only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end and you know what you are Brian you're a busted leg what are you firing me and don't think about coming back and shooting up the place because security has your picture what the hell are you guys doing Lois you're not leaving this room until you agree to stop this modeling thing once and for all this isn't gonna work you guys why can't you understand I'm doing what I want oh geez Carter what are we doing I mean if Lois wants to be a model we we don't got any right to stop her you you really mean that Peter of course I do I just want you to be happy this is ridiculous no daughter of mine is going to be happy excuse me Carrie I think I owe you this that's for giving me a book last Christmas you're rich you jerk well Lois I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party what's wrong aren't you going to go do your little turn on a catwalk Lois or on the catwalk yeah on the catwalk do your little turn on the catwalk well now that you say you're fine with it to be honest I'm not really sure I want to do it anymore I think all I really wanted was the freedom to know I could and now I have it because I have you yeah sure do Lois what are we gonna do with him hey you want to make him really mad Lois let's have sex on his back like we used to oh what the hell is going on foreign [Music] look at this my sa-1 first prize in the New England Rising writers contest I'm going to be honored at the big ceremony on Martha's Vineyard ooh New England Rising writers I'm sure it'll be a veritable who's that of the literary World we'll laugh all you want but they're going to put me up at a luxury hotel all expenses paid wow congratulations Meg please I'm talking over a thousand people entered the contest and they chose mine well that's wonderful Brian yeah that's a great achievement just like the first chemotherapy patient to figure out the handkerchief look honey get in here what is it just just get in here what oh my God right it's like you don't even have cancer I know come on no but I still have pretty aggressive cancer oh right you didn't forget did you no no I didn't forget let me just go change out of this fishing gear hey Peter what's up come on come on we gotta go down let's go [Music] hello Lois this is Peter I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change I took ill you'd best go to lunch without me why do I hear an engine ah because my stomach is rumbling in a way that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck Peter are you lying oh now she's a doctor guys hi Lois Craig Marsh says hi damn it Peter you're going fishing aren't you you promised me you'd come to lunch with my parents today well Lois until we get an appointment secretary things like this are going to continue to fall through the cracks my parents are not gonna like this Peta you know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding you may now kiss the bride kiss her I am gonna destroy her Mom are you still mad at dad about yesterday well sort of I mean we planned that lunch two weeks ago but he promised he'd go with me to put flowers on my grandmother's grave this afternoon so I guess it's all right Peter are you ready oh right so uh a lot of tension with Peter lately huh an understatement Brian he's been incredibly thoughtless lately even more so than usual but tonight is our sex night and a little physical release will do us both some good Peter you out come on Lois I know it's late but me and the guys were going beekeeping oh my God what the hell the heck yo whoa someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast I don't need honey Pete Pete I need a husband to spend time with me can I make a suggestion all you two have done is argue about stuff for the past two weeks it's my guess you could use a vacation why don't you come out to Martha's Vineyard and watch me accept my award ah wow does that sound wonderful whoa whoa whoa that sounds expensive can we just do something fun here at the house it's just as relaxing hey guys I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums I'll start packing look Quagmire we're only going to be in Martha's Vineyard for a couple days can't you just watch the kids ah man you're more of a letdown than Fruit Stripe gum ah what are we gonna do Lois Quagmire is busy and Joe and Bonnie are out of town well what about Cleveland yeah he's on the road touring with Black Box ow ow everybody well wait a minute what about that nice old man who lives up the street oh yeah maybe Herbert can watch the kids he seems like a responsible guy so it would only be till Monday and we could pay you for it yeah and it's real easy I promise I mean you've spent time watching children right uh yes sir yes I have ah wonderful you mind stopping by tomorrow morning oh Emma smashier studs got my toy press got my best best all I need now is all I need is [Music] [Music] all I really need is foreign [Music] this is wonderful I feel like one of the Kennedys you know the overprivileged drunk ones not the socially responsible dead ones you know this Resort offers some wonderful amenities they have bird watching wine tasting horseback riding and they also have stork startling your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence [Music] foreign [Laughter] all right fine I'm gonna go scare some people nobody will buy it there are no sharks out here lots of people swimming up there I could pig out if I wanted to but I'm watching my weight because I don't want to spend the Fourth of July alone again plus I ate a dog yesterday and now I got a bone stuck in my anus foreign for the next couple days so I want to lay down a few ground rules no cussing clean your plates and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed well that sucks and don't you mouth off to me or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis no offense Mr Herbert but I'm a 17 year old girl and I don't need you here well no offense to you Meg but you're a 17 year old girl and I don't need you here what do you think's keeping Peter I hope he gets here before they give you your reward well you're here Lois that's enough for me oh you always know just what to say and the award for most mediocre children's book goes to the adventures of Haskell the mystery horse here to accept is Haskell thank you where am I gonna go next what interesting Adventure you don't know I'll have my award now and now reading a passage from his Grand prize-winning short essay Amazing Grace tonight's guest of honor Mr Brian Griffin thank you very much she was Grace in name and in essence to those she loved she exuded strength life laughter and Light and to me also sorrow for circumstance had bound her to my best friend through whom we met in the warmth and serenity of her home nothing from the first day I saw her and no one that has happened to me since has ever been as frightening and as confusing for no person I've ever known has ever done more to make me feel more sure more insecure more important and less significant that was beautiful Brian well you know what they say write what's in your heart hey oh oh did I miss Byron's reward Brian's award and yes you did Peter you've been a good son Brian and I'm sorry you're so sick what Peter where the hell have you been every time you we that we go to a hotel you hide the key to the mini bath from me but I found it found it found it Lois Griffin you're a you're a piece of work you know that an hour late and you're drunk you had an opportunity to share a beautiful moment with Brian wasted it wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water who's in the shower is it Donnie no I showered earlier it could be Meryl Merrill's right here well where's Jimmy Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard is it Marie no no one's in there so the shower is just running with no one in there that's right well I'll be a son of a gun foreign [Music] hey good morning oh good morning Brian oh that's a lovely fragrance you're wearing what is it well this this is a Hearts Mountain flea dip kills ticks fleas and mosquitoes it's very potent almost as potent as the inspiration you give me to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul for a literary Bounty of Truth and loveliness oh that's so much better uh morning Lois I'm sorry about last night I promise I'll make it up to you well if you really mean Donna I was hoping we could go paddle boating today great but can we do it after five there's a ball game on oh well then maybe Brian and I can hang out do you mind Brian no not at all good now can you move please you're blocking the screen we now return to damn nature you're scary on BET damn that [ __ ] run fast you see that [ __ ] that thing come by my house I kill it that little rat looking thing just got ate damn nature you scary you must remember this a kiss is still a kiss a sign is just a side the fundamental things apply as time goes by [Music] Moonlight and love songs never out of day Hearts filled with passion jealousy and Hate woman needs mine and mine must have his name that no one can deny yet still the same old story a fight for love and Glory a case of Do or Die the world will always welcome lovers as time goes by the world will always welcome lovers as time goes boom [Music] boom y'all know what day it is no it's bath day oh I don't want to take a bath not for you silly it's bad day for me but I can't wash myself know anybody with a pair of strong young hands to help me in and out of the tub oh rats I had so much fun today Brian so did I hey you feel like grabbing something to eat oh I'd love to but Peter and I were gonna get dinner at that little place by the wow looks like I am free hey you know what might be fun how about we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies yeah that does sound like fun I'll go rent Vanilla Sky I said a bad movie not an abortion [Music] it's gonna be great a whole evening with Lois we are going to have such a fun time hello it's my darling couple of steaks some wine maybe a couple of Sundays Lois my darling little music some Candlelight no it's my darling oh whoa whoa whoa what am I doing this is Lois Peter's wife how can I even think about trying anything hello hey Brian it's me I got a question for you Herbert and I are playing Scattergories would you count NyQuil as a beverage um no right no yeah not gonna fly old man thanks Brian oh that is [ __ ] [Music] ah this is so much fun Brian well it's a Saturday night sorry the video store Pickens were a little sparse hope you like Roman Holiday I lied I was a princess the whole time you [ __ ] I'm gonna punch you in the face ah that was a lovely dinner I saved all my scraps in a bag for you thanks you know Lois I'm sure you've already figured this out but that essay I wrote I wrote it about you oh I had a hunch thank you Brian I'm glad you shared that with me well you know Lois you mean a lot to me I mean things you say and things you do resonate with me in a big way when you drive away to go to the market I just don't know what to do with myself and then when I hear that car coming up the driveway I just go berserk I mean you know half the time when you go to the market I just assume you're leaving forever and when you get back I realize I have no idea how long you've been gone and I well you know what I'm rambling would you like some more champagne I'd love some ah my head is swimming and now what are you doing I can't help myself Lois I know you're married to Peter but I love you and I can't stand it anymore Brian I think you'd better go [Music] Lois I'd really like to talk about this no stop scratching the door okay [Music] oh my God I attacked Lois what the hell was I thinking I'm a rapist I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan hey Brian another Scattergories question the category is type of pet Herbert put Cambodian that's not right right look Stewie I can't talk about this now all right geez what's your problem I just I did a bad thing and I don't know what to do about it I I feel like I'm losing my mind that's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show does anybody want to buy my shirt I'll treasure my shirt for a grilled cheese so what happened Sport come on talk to your pal Stewie all right but only because I've got to tell somebody I pretty much just threw myself at Lois so you finally did it huh well look Brian as your friend I should tell you that that vagina is Ground Zero Man I mean I I just I wrecked that thing on the way out and just to be a jerk I carved Brooks was here in the wall did you see that did you see Brooks was here we didn't have sex of course what with Chris going before me I pretty much just walked out of there didn't even have to stoop over there was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled you're exaggerating only a little bit that's the messed up thing [Music] you are you are were you down at that Hotel bar all night again I was Lois and you know who's staying at this hotel Nathan Lane we got wasted at the bar and he ended up asking me to marry him so I convinced this minister to do it a job but the joke's on Nathan Lane because gay people can't get married they came in this state Peter oh well in that case we are registered at filene's God you've spent half his entire trip intoxicated oh I'm intoxicated all right Lois by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard Nantucket Cape Cod and all the Great Destinations that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is the spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America the spirit of what's old and what's new the spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America the spirit of the Red White and Blue I am so glad Brian brought us out here Lois he's a real pal you know that well it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about boy he's a hell of a guy isn't he I mean Quagmire is a lot of fun at a party but you know he's so horny all the time I feel like I can't trust him Cleveland's a great guy but he's got a mustache so you got to wonder what he's hiding Joe's a [ __ ] so for obvious reasons I can't trust him but Brian Brian's salad he's the one guy I know I can trust Brian tried to have sex with me was he bigger than me and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf but he didn't listen to them because he's his own man and he knew that sometimes the things that seemed the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun yes sir it was a good day for young Peter [Music] are you a pedophile [Music] hey yeah Lois told me there was some funny business yeah what of it well it's just I can't help but feel a little betrayed Brian Lois is my wife and well I mean all the dry food I bought for you over the years yeah well you don't deserve her you know that say what now you don't deserve her she does nothing but give and give and give and you repay her with selfishness and neglect I mean you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation well who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage you can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months what the hell is that supposed to mean oh you're a freaking train wreck with that crap Brian you couldn't even get Jillian to take you back and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno [Music] [Music] stop it stop it get off my husband wait a minute Brian Nathan Lane is right what are we doing look hey Quagmire what do you got there it's the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue check it out well swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to I've been spoiled by internet porn it's true totally what do you mean internet porn you uh don't know about internet porn don't know what I'm not really a computer guy Quagmire I would think you of all people would know about internet porn they've got like thousands literally millions of naked pictures on the internet what and videos thousands of them you guys are messing with me Quagmire you don't use the internet you mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ass no I don't use the damn internet I thought that was for nerds why didn't you guys tell me oh yeah you can even see Tanya Harding's honeymoon video on there I mean it's gross but it's like famous gross you know these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Island yeah she had it going on you know horror still has one of those old beer promotion cutouts ever from like 1994 in the back room don't yours hey you mean this thing I was about to throw it out if anyone wants it it's theirs [Music] there's Beauty air for birth and things we never take notice how you wake up suddenly you're in love I'm taking you [Music] home we now return to the NBA playoffs on TNT and we're just minutes away from game one between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Denver Nuggets both teams a little short-handed to start these playoffs of course Kobe Bryant is out battling a rape charge Lamar Odom is suspended for violating the League's substance abuse policy smush Parker assault Kwame Brown suspicion of rape but in his defense not a minor Allen Iverson picked up for marijuana possession and carrying a concealed weapon and Daryl Armstrong faces a charge of battery against a female police officer but Luke Walton's here and he's ready to play foreign where you going with that cut out oh hey kids this is Kathy we're designing lifestyle products together it's completely legitimate but don't tell your mother I had a great time today at the Museum you were the most beautiful woman there you know Lois won't be home from groceries for a while I have an idea knock knock anyone in the bathroom I love the time we've spent together you know that hey Kathy guess what I'm out under the table right now I'm out Peter oh no what the hell is going on I sent you to pick up dinner an hour ago what are you doing with that cut out you know what I wish I'm glad you found out I can't carry on the charade anymore I have an announcement to make no no I'll do it I'll do it I know I've been able to keep this a secret but Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together where in love you're an idiot my lawyer will call you a lawyer oh this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat [Music] hey shut up now kids you don't have to call her mom right away but I do want you guys to get along just give her a chance I think you'll like it maybe she'll let us do things that Lois won't let us do yeah yeah hey Mom can I pull my pants down if she doesn't answer does that mean yes that's what I've been going with yay [Laughter] mine's better mine's better oh hello Lois I would have thought you'd have moved in with your mother by now no Peter I'm just pretty much letting this run its course well I'm sorry you're handling this so poorly but have you seen Kathy we were gonna go get a passport renewed oh Chris took her into his room about 10 minutes ago what that [ __ ] she's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth by Drake Duncan [Music] I uh I don't know Shakespeare very well cat hey hey there you are oh don't give me that look you don't think I know where you've been how dare you make a fool of me did you have sex with that fat kid did you answer me oh my god look what you made me do why did you have to provoke me why to do it Quagmire yeah yeah nobody's seen you in days hey Peter I've just been uh checking out some of that internet part you okay yeah yeah I'm good I'm good I'm good I'm just gonna go go and check my mail over there you've been lifting weights uh no no I don't think it no yeah I'm I'm sorry Peter I gotta I gotta get back I'm sorry Lois I was a fool I'm done with Kathy can you ever forgive me Peter settle down yes I forgive you just as long as you're done with that stupid cutout I just want you to know that every time I was with her I was thinking of you um come on I'm not in the mud oh Peter oh Lois I missed you you and your wonderful smile and your beautiful eyes and your awesome third boob that's on top of the other boob what oh my God Peter that's not a boob that's a lump a lump holy crap okay now stop that we're not having sex I just told you I have a lump I got a lump too and mine's easier to get rid of [Music] I've got good news your test results came back negative it appears the lump in your breast is not black gross boob death breast cancer that's the layman's term yes oh thank God what a relief yeah that was scary no Mrs Griffin although you're in the clear for the moment we need to have a look at your family medical history to determine your future risk huh that's curious I didn't realize your mother was a holocaust Survivor my mother oh no that's that's impossible she's not Jewish according to her birth certificate she is oh my god wow breast Cancer's starting to look pretty good [Music] yeah I never told you dear when we were married your father made me conceal the fact so he could get into country clubs it was the right thing to do it was the right thing to do dear oh my God so Grandma Hebrew bug is actually Jewish yes when she moved to America her family changed their name it was originally Hebrew Berg money grabber that makes you Jewish Lois and your children too this kind of rocks my world even more than the time I went to that pediatrician whoa Stewie you're getting to be a big boy I think somebody's gonna be a football star oh you oh forgot your chart be right back whoa Jason you're getting to be a big boy I think somebody's gonna be a football star I can't believe I fell for that line I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife you're just fat Stewie silly and fat oh thank you for coming over Max I really need some advice from an actual Jewish person oh it's my pleasure Lois I'm sure this all must be very overwhelming I just don't know what to do with this information I spent my whole life as a Christian I'll tell you what you should do with it absolutely nothing that's the problem with this world too many people go overboard with what they believe like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off see you later [ __ ] have fun with your stupid goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty hey why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house well I wouldn't put it quite like that but essentially Brian's right being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life well I guess you're right there's no reason things should be any different around here Shalom Jews wow Dad where did you get all that good glistening chest hair that came with my Star of David everyone from now on our lives will be better we'll be wealthy our sons will become doctors and we'll be in charge of Charities so we don't have to contribute to them I'm offended by that and I'm not even Jewish Peter what is all this look this is my way of letting you know that I'm embracing who you are oh and I don't respond to Peter from now on I want you to use my Hebrew name foreign that becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight it's a process that involves spiritual education and good works so what you're saying is that it happens overnight look Peter I'm the one with the Jewish Heritage and I really don't want to make a big deal out of this leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew now listen up I like the hat and I like the scarf so we're doing this [Music] kids from now on this is where we'll celebrate the Sabbath this is all unnecessary our life was fine the way it was check it out I'm one of you guys now huh I'm Jewish yeah Holocaust we're number one look at all these short hairy men God I feel like I'm on the forest Moon of Endor good afternoon as we approach the Passover holiday let us remember the struggle of our people as they labored under the Yoke of Pharaoh's despotic rule hey if anyone appreciates a good yolk it's the use that's my Jewish laugh I'm working on a Jewish laugh Peter I'm so embarrassed right now can we please just go hi you're pretty oh thank you mom is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish I hope so Meg I really do it's not Lois it's not yeah this isn't the way to school yes it is Chris one of the best parts about being Jewish is getting to take advantage of their excellent schools I'm not going to know Jewish school sitting around all day with a bunch of short hairy guys I'll feel like I'm on the forest Moon of Endor didn't you did you make that joke the other day oh yeah no I just I wasn't sure if everybody had um had heard and instead of lasting for one day the oil in the lamp lasted for eight days and that is why we celebrate Hanukkah yeah yeah how long before we play pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door now does anyone have any questions yeah I have a question what are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ass and it's also why many families give their children eight days of presence wait did she say eight days of presents yeah yeah this Judaism thing is gonna be better than I thought all right class that's all for today's lesson now everyone off to gym class all right today we're gonna play soccer huh that was easy hey Lois the kids are all asleep I suppose they are you know what else I picked out a sexy little Jewish outfit for you at the store what is that oh my God Lois if you put on this long thick dress right now I will lose it Tina I'm not wearing that thing and if you put this shawl over your head oh do you have any clunky unfashionable peasant shoes oh I swear to God Lois I swear to God I would lose it he's not getting off me tell me I don't earn as much as your friend's husband peanut stop it I'm going to sleep fine I'll just sit here and watch TV we now return to Mark Wahlberg in annoyed and confused what what's going on I don't get it man I gotta work out what's going on here where am I what the huh what the hell's going on here huh what [Music] Peter [Music] dead my dear take you through it Peter you were raised Catholic if you forsake your religion you'll spend eternity in hell oh God I don't want that then they're better enough of all the Jewish stuff well all right if that's what you think is best oh wait Dad before you go can you say Peter you must go to the Daga bus system Peter you must go to the Digger bar system thanks anybody want toast or a bagel what the hell what was last night my father came to me and reminded me that I'm a good Catholic if I don't rid the house of this Jewish curse this family is going to go to hell and I won't let that happen Peter you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously Joe's a gross Lois it's the only religion with the word ew in it oh come on you're acting crazier than when you were going through the apocaloos phase Peter you ready for dinner oh that's just like the park and Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner Peter nobody cares about your canceled show Lois Parker Lewis Can't Lose don't even try and make him lose because it's just gonna be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose would he win in a fight with Batman well Chris think about what you're saying Parker Lewis Can't Lose here 2-4 Batman can suck on that suck on that suck on this Tic Tacs have only one and a half calories well played I love you dad I love you too Shen [Music] hmm huh what the what the hell how do you like it huh how do you like it you know what in God's name is this wait a minute uh these pieces of Stewie's crib I hate it here thanks for spending time with me today Mom I just had to get out of that house Peter's being such a jackass Lois I think this is more serious than you realize don't you see what he's doing oh he's just being immature it's happened before and it'll pass Lois what Peter is doing to you is exactly what Carter did to me for years he's repressing your Jewish identity but Mom I don't really care about being Jewish or even Christian for that matter I just want to be a good person on my own all I'm saying is I let your father take my Jewish identity and I've regretted it ever since I don't want to see you make the same mistake I don't know Mom I'll think about it Carter knock it off come on you know you Jew girls want that dollar follow the dollar and then lead you to what I want a juice like salmon there's salmon over here is there really salmon over there no you walk over then he squirts you with a squirt gun the hell are you out of your [ __ ] mind relax Lois I was aiming for the mailbox I'm just trying to make a point good morning Lois no problem Lois that's just how people say hello to me Hey Joe hey Mark Peter you and I are gonna have a conversation I'm very angry with you geez what's your problem what you did this morning was so far out of line I just let me tell you this mom was right I can't just sit here and let you dump all over my Heritage I'm not gonna make the mistake she did I'm Jewish and I'm proud of it and this weekend we're having a Passover Seda you can't do that it's Easter not in this house Lois this family believes in a Easter bunny he died for our sins in that helicopter crash now if you want to go to hell that's fine but don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster good night everybody okay everyone this is my first time doing a Seda which is where we tell the story of the Jews escape from bondage in Egypt doesn't it seem like every Jewish holiday has to do with them escaping from stuff no Chris and you know tricking some bigger more athletic people uh Lois not that I'm rushing you but when do we get to the wine drinking hang on hang on before we do anything I'd like to say a blessing over the candles if I may now bear with me I haven't had much rehearsal time can we just eat and now I shall continue the prayer Kalima Kalima now let's move on to the washing of the hands this is a very important part of the sandwich hey hey the Easter Bunny is here happy Easter Peter what the hell are you doing in that have you been drinking not since I got out of the car oh here thinks I can kick my ass Peter you are not gonna ruin this Satan now get out of here I'm sorry kids I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor I guess I forgot what was really important Peter just go lie down all right I'm gonna go lie down and then I'm gonna come back and mess up your Shader all right I'm back and I'm much more sober Lois what you're doing is wrong I want you to get all this Jew food off the table I most certainly will not it's me or your religion Lois I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house well I'm a Jew and I want to live in a nicer house you really think I should run from there Peter you've got to stop living in your own stupid world I'm sorry but I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus hey hey he heard my name wow Jesus are you dead now Lois Jesus is gonna kill you and then we're gonna bury you in a yard next to Kathy Island I I mean I mean nice weather we're having look Peter I thought it might interest you to know that I'm Jewish what he's Jewish Peter Jewish like full-on like you practice jewism I am a Jew prove it what's a nine percent tip on a 200 Bill 18 which is fair oh my God it's true but I'm so confused Peter it really doesn't matter Catholicism and Judaism are not that different they're two sides of the same coin in fact the Last Supper one of the most iconic images of the Catholic faith was a Passover later and if I'm not mistaken Islam is also in that same spiritual family let's not muddy things up here the most important thing is to treat other people the same way you would want to be treated oh an eye for an a well Lois I guess I owe you an apology I was scared because my dad convinced me I was going to hell and I was doing it to make up for my mother's mistake look I don't know if being Jewish is the right thing for our family I just wanted the chance to explore it so I could know for sure but to tell you the truth I thought we were fine before but then Jesus which religion should our family be six of one they're all complete horseshit thank you
2022-09-22 15:28
