ALEX TERRIBLE / САША ШИКОЛАЙ: Хочу видеть плохое | Рикка подкаст
I understand that now is the worst time to publish this podcast, and I do realize that there are people who would not get my decision. However it has already been a week since war started, and the situation is only getting worse. While I still have an ability and an internet connection, I have decided that I would rather have this video published, even if during not the best time, then I would lose it somewhere on the hard drive. No one knows what is going to happen next and everyone is scared. Even the people that at first have supported whatever is going on.
Next, you will see a short message from Alex and then the podcast itself that has been recorded in the middle of December of 2021. Now It feels like like a long gone and forgotten past, but I do believe that the prudence and the adequacy would win, even though we will have to go through the darkest moments of our lives. I am against the war.
Well, it’s not about me being emotionally closed off. I’m so fucking emotional. I can give a lot of energy to a person and be native to him to the highest. But, like you said, when the betrayal comes I won’t be like… You won’t be surprised? At all. You know, okay. At least this thing we had in between happened, and it’s fucking awesome!
Different times now. You’re not wiping away your past, if it was awesome? No, no way. Any experience is great. It’s important to not live the past. That’s shitty. When you start digging around your past – you’re scrutinizing.
For what? Only present exists. It’s somewhere in your brain, memories and shit, fantasies about your future. None of this shit exists, only present.
You need to learn from your past and rationalize your future, but not to live there. Only in the present. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Rikka is here and we finally made a podcast with Alex.
And I wanted it to be different from any other internet interviews and podcasts with Alex in how deep the conversation and topics were. For example, where they ask him to squat with a bar or to growl on camera. And I hope we made it. I have a really big video about Alex and his band Slaughter To Prevail on my channel, where I also reviewed their “Kostolom” album. So, go check it out.
But if you’re not on track I’ll briefly explain. Right now Slaughter To Prevail is a number one band in it’s genre passing mastodon’s like: Thy Art Is Murder, Cannibal Corpse, and Suicide Silence. Their music videos have millions of views, which is huge for deathcore. These numbers are phenomenal. Most of the success is a merit of Alex Terrible, and by the time he was free from fighting bears and driving tanks, he chimed in for a podcast.
I really wanted to chat with him and find out who he really is. Here are the winning comments from Andrey Doronin’s podcast, courtesy of these guys you see here. I was intrigued by the stories about Erasmus’s “In Praise Of Folly” and the struggle of modesty, even though I’m in my mid-20’s. Please contact me to receive your prizes! Authors of the best comment under this video also have a chance to win prize. And most certainly big shout outs to the people supporting me on Boosty. You help this channel grow.
We’ve got a lot of names: Mr Lenhem, Ilya Shikhman, Patafla_fla, EUUU, Andrey Yakunenkov, NRGRTSOMMRS, Karaul, Trumkopi, Dave, ALEXISDEAD, SHREK. I’m sorry if I spelt your name wrong. Welcome to the family! Pow! You also can also get special content by supporting my channel, the link is in the description. For example these guys got access to an extended version of my podcast with Alex Terrible as early as in December. So, join us! Start! You know, several years ago, when I was thinking about myself and relationships, I realized one thing.
And it’s not really about girls and stuff, just relationships with people. I can’t just be true friends with people who haven’t been on the same boat as me. The reason why I sympathize with you, when I hear you talking about the path you’ve been through, I see that I can relate with you… We’re a lil’ bit romantic, ya know? Ah, I see what you’re talking about. I can mentally relate with you because you’re a rural dude. But, in my opinion, the major difference is that… Well, 90% of our country is rural. Yeah.
But only the small percentage of people had childhood dreams about getting out of there. And the ones who move from this places and… It’s important to notice that it’s not these type of people who try to change it walking all over people, to move out no matter what. I’m talking about the ones, who are being human. This type of people is… My apologies, let me interrupt you for a moment. I never wanted to get out of there. But you did it, right? Yes, because it just… happened, ya know? I was just… going about the things that inspired me, relished me, I didn’t had this thing, like… “I wanna get the fuck outta my town, cos’ it’s a fucking village”, yada yada.
Yeah. And, uhh…I just worked my ass off and some circumstances led me to the point that you have to move out from here because you can’t move forward without it. And that’s the point! So, let’s look at our mother-nature. I think, that… at it’s core, any men does everything… Like, getting successful in business, music, something else, don’t matter. Any men does this only to get the best chick.
You think so? I strongly believe it. I remember the times when I dreamt to look like Oli Sykes, Mitch Lucker, get tattoed from head to toes, to be a leader, I had only one thing on my mind – chicks are gonna watch me. And fuck, I think no matter who you ask, those who say “yeah, I wanna be famous” For what? “So my music will be heard…” Bullshit! That’s secondary! First of all, you want to have a cool girl and, you know, some social praise. We live in a society, right? And I think most of the people want to be known and respected for their affairs. Like… You mean leave a mark in history? Well yeah, yeah, yeah.
First and foremost if you’re a men you want to get girls attention and adoration, 100% I had this thing and no matter who I ask, everytime we tried to dig deeper in this, we ended up on the same thing. It could be there unconsciously. Clearly, that’s initial. Imagine the world without women. Nah, that’s impossible. There’s no way! Hypothetically just imagine this world, will you go on with music? I just can’t, cos’ I would think in a different way in this world. Other goals, ambitions.
I was mostly motivated this initial desire for girls attention. You still have it, right? Yeaaaah. Well, most often I stumble upon the position across most of the creative guys, that they’re doing it because they can’t do it otherwise. No, I swear, that’s secondary. It may have something related with it. I can’t live without music, I don’t say that I’m making music because I want to screw chicks.
That’s not how It works. Roughly speaking, if you dig deeper into this situation, it leads to this initial desire. But, it’s like… as a whole.
When I was in bands no one gave a shit about, I had this thing and, indeed, I couldn’t just sit straight and not make music, so by the end of all of it I was infuriated. These guys weren’t really doing much and I wanted to do something on a daily basis. I started making covers as a result, uploaded them on YouTube, because I wanted to get attention. That’s how I got noticed. I uploaded my covers on YouTube.
I never asked anybody to repost them, promote me. I always felt that… well it’s not, like, cringey, but… A bit unfair? My pride wouldn’t allow me to. It’s not unfair, I just believe, that if people like it, then “word of mouth” will take it’s turn. Recommendations are the best promotion tool. When someone recommends you something and you have a constant contact with this person, you sympathize with him, you’ll get a guaranteed hype.
And it doesn’t matter if you’re not interested or you don’t like it, he’ll come to you and say “holy shit, mate, look at these watches” and he’ll just go on, he’s hyped. You just got those, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go “shit, that’s cool” “Maybe I’ll get them too”, you’ll get this desire at some point. If this person says “holy shit, look at this dude, his vocals go so damn hard, I fuck with it" And then he just shows you some porn. “He’s killing it, ya know” This classic case when someone plays a track, breakdowns and shit, and you go “shit, that’s fucking awesome” That’s it, you just go on with this chain. I think that’s is the most effective promotion tool, and I believe that is the foundation of my success.
When people just showed my videos to one another and as a result, the whole world knows me and my band. Yeah, that’s really cool, these numbers are fucking wild! I’m still freaking out. I never thought that we’ll get this far, but now I know that it’s just the beginning. I want more and better.
Finding people, like you said, with the same state of mine, as you said, that it’s difficult for you to socialize with those who... Not like it’s difficult, it’s mostly about connection with them. If this person haven’t gone through shit, roughly speaking, they’ll never understand me.
And now imagine you started a band in which you’ll stay. To meet each other, smoke together… Same as you live with somebody. Yeah, that's it.
And you also have to make awesome music. And it’s impossible for the most part. It’s hard to find people not just locally, but on the larger scale. And this leads to a constant search. Maybe you’ll stumble upon some guys, you start working with them and something comes out.
And only then you start to realize it is time… It is time to start. Yes, you’re right. The thing is ten years have passed through, for example. And that’s bummer. Definitely Yes, you have to swallow some dirt before you shine. Yeah What about the album? What changed since last time? Well… What about feedback? Feedback was fire.
You see, I made a review of the album. I like this album. Yep, i've seen it. And I don’t know if you remember, but in this kind of works, mostly in some heavier stuff, I highlight as a plus the thing when guys just make… I’m not gonna say something more “pop” sounding, I took a synonym for it, With a lower entry threshold. Basically it’s my goal.
The main goal of Slaughter To Prevail, at least for me, is to show heavy metal. To the masses. To the masses, yes. You see, heavy metal is cool. You can make it like Rammstein.
Listen to their riffs, they’re so fucking heavy. They are catchy, heavy. But they’re simple to understand for the average listener that have no fucking clue about rock. In metal too.
Personally, I want to be a some kind of bridge for people to easily enter the realm of heavy music. I want them to start from us. At those times I started from Jane Air (the russian band) Something lighter. I grew on KASTA, mnogotochie, minimal-techno.
In my province, Bolshoi Istok, if you listened to something else, then you had some… Suspicious looks on you. No not that. They’ll beat the shit out of you for your tastes. I watched Yulia Checherina on MTV, she’s bold and pierced, and I saw her as a fiend. I was like “what the fuck is wrong with this bitch?” And now look at me, this fucking scar, tattoes and shit.
I gradually came to this and some bands acted like some kind of a bridge for me. And then I started digging deeper into this realm, listening to isolated instruments. Double bass, cymbals. You start to visualize it in your head and music starts to sound differently. You start building it the right way and you’re enjoying it. I want to make our music easier to understand. To make it easier to understand for a wide range of people. But it’s kinda hard to do so.
In Russia. It’s hard to do in general. On the one hand you are making “pop” music but at the same time, you should stay brutal and aggressive so you don’t lose your whole image. That’s why “Baba Yaga”, and “Bratva”... Well, “Baba Yaga” is definitely heavier. But these groovy verses in “Bratva”... Show it to someone who never heard the song and you’ll hear something like “Holy fuck, that shit SLAPS” That’s how I want our music to be.
And you got it! Thanks! Baba Yaga is fucking awesome, I really enjoyed the concept. Personally, I didn’t like the video (its technical aspects, like camerawork) that much, but the concept… Just great. And that’s why – we have a huge layer of Russian folklore. Yeah. Ditties, bears and all these stereotypes, we can use it in modern music too.
Yes, we can. But most of the time we use it like memes. Like “Little Big” Yes. But when I think about it… It’s not funny. Baba Yaga is fucking scary! She looks like a creature from hell AND she can eat a kid alive too.
How’s that funny? And a bear… It can eat you alive just like Baba Yaga or break you into pieces in minutes. Wake the fuck up, people! IC3P3AK is what comes to mind. Do you know them? Btw, they have a new song with Oliver of BMTH. Have you heard of it? No, but that’s cool.
It’s a weird song but that kind of connect is fucking awesome. IC3P3AK do use these topics too, like the army, Soviet Union and all that stuff. That’s really cool. And if we look at it from an American point of view, when you hear another post-hardcore band that sounds like old Asking Alexandria, that’s boring as fuck.
But that Russian stuff is something fresh and unique. Two years ago I toured with Yelawolf, maybe you know him. It was the first time in Russia for a part of his crew. And they really wanted to capture this Russian vibe. Like record something in Siberia. Or wear an ushanka. That Russian vibe is something new for them.
They said that it would shock everyone in the States. But the pandemic didn’t let that happen. The thing is that Yelawolf is a big artist. I’ve heard some stories from the members of the crew. Like hanging out with Rihanna or Travis Scott. When they say that Russian vibe will shock everyone they mean these S-tier artists. Because that vibe is something unexplored for them, it’s not their routine. So when you see a music video where the vocalist is wrestling a bear and then he’s walking by the tank with an AK-47 – it’s mind blowing. So why not?
It may look cringy for some, but at the same time we aren’t joking at all. It’s all about how you deliver things. As I said before I didn’t really like the camerawork, but there is nothing cringy for me when it comes to the concept. The feedback was awesome, yeah. But I am always hungry for more, I want to move on and I want to be bigger.
And that’s fine because there’s no progress without hunger. I’ll do everything I can to make Slaughter To Prevail more recognized. I want to shock people in a positive way.
You said that the video for “Baba Yaga” could be better and I totally agree. I want to create something really cool, something that looks and feels epic, something that blows up your mind. And I believe that this will happen. I don’t know when, but if I want it to happen – it will happen. This is awesome. The Universe works this way. Or life, I don’t really know. At least that works for me.
Sometimes I am fucking shocked about my life. Bro, I even shared the stage with Stanley Kubrick’s grandson. Wait, what? There was a show in England and our bassist couldn’t play it.
And then our guitarist Jack said “No problem, Stanley Kubrick’s grandson can fill in” I bet this was his Instagram nickname “Stanley Kubrick’s grandson” He has a huge land plot, something like 10000 square feet or so. And he also has a rehearsal point there too. Anyway, he told me a pretty crazy story. Stanley Kubrick had a daughter, Sam’s mom. She died from cancer. Sam’s father became alone and then turned gay. Fuck.
We were sitting at his house. It was pretty atmospheric I should say. It’s looking like a mansion from the outside, all these old house vibes from the movies, you know. We were eating something, and I was wearing a t-shirt with “Kill God” on the back. Sam was staying right behind me, stirring his tea.
And then he asked me: “Why are you wearing this t-shirt?” “Because there is no fucking God”, I answered. What did he say? I can’t remember, but shit was pretty crazy. So he’s into metal, right? And he was playing bass.
Yeah, he has his own band. I was going to do a guest feature for them, but I am so fucking lazy. The thing is that if I’m not really interested in something, if it’s not my own creative project, I can give up pretty easily. Even if it’s Kubrick’s grandson. I can’t agree with you. You can’t call yourself lazy if you are succeeding at something. You can call it procrastinating if you wish. You are concentrating and then you let it all out.
Maybe. It happens pretty often with creative people. Maybe it’s mind games or something like that. Even if you are just laying down on your coach and doing nothing, your brain is working with your ideas, even the old ones.
These ideas are “cooking” There’s a method in psychology. I don’t know what it's called but the thing is that if you are anxious, take a big break and then your mind will leave out all the “trash” during that time. That's why you need to rest from time to time.
I noticed something. There’s a lot of information around us nowadays. Even if you think your life is still – you are stressed out all the time. There’s a lot of news, notifications. You are chatting with dozens of people everyday, and it’s not easy at all. Do you remember the time without all these gadgets? You had your family and 2 or 3 closest friends around you You weren’t available all the time. Things were different. You were feeling different.
Of course, of course. And nowadays shit’s fucking crazy. Your brain is processing all that stuff 24/7 and it’s very stressful. We are the first generation facing that much information. Back in the days you were dealing with your small circle, or your tribe, something like 100 people. In a lifetime. And now you can deal with a hundred people every day.
You can do everything using your gadget – you can read, you can finish your college or any other course, or learn any skill, or meet new people… All you need is your phone and an internet connection. Crazy! It’s difficult for us, humans, to deal with it. I think that the future generations will learn how to do it and it’ll be a lot easier for them. I’m already seeing it. My cousin is 16 years old and he’s totally different.
He grew up during the Internet age. Yeah. And he’s totally different. What’s the main difference? He’s more open-minded. It’s a tough subject… It’s all about the small details. I notice them so I notice the difference between us.
Do you embrace it or is it scary for you? None of the two. It’s just a fact and it’s an interesting experience. Why should it be scary? It’s a common opinion that elders are scared to be left out of the progress. Just think about our parent and us.
Most of them are feeling that they are left out. Most of them, yeah. But I respect those who trying to progress. People are afraid to be left out of life because they see that the new generation is totally different. For example, we are 30 years old. And people who are 35 years old are shocked by TikTok. They are like: "What are you doing there?” Even me shocked by TikTok You feel like you are far behind this new world, it’s scary for most of people. Everything is changing super fast. Opinions, fashion, even fundamentals. Boom, and all of a sudden it’s something new.
We are distancing from the fundamentals. Like family? It’s even more global. We are distancing ourselves from the things that make us human. We are more and more like machines with a hard drive that you download your data to. It’s not good or bad – it’s just a new way of how things work.
There were reference points back in the day and they were global. It was like a guide – we should get there. And nowadays we just don’t give a fuck, we let the life flow. We are dependent. On our lust, our desires. We are chasing the momentary happiness.
We’ve lost our purpose, but maybe I am wrong. Do you mean the times when there was no Internet? Yeah. Our childhood. Like that, yeah. Remember what did our parents and grandparents say? It’s a new world, a new reality. We are different and that’s OK.
I think it’s sick to take advice from parents, especially from grandparents, cause it’s a much different time, you just won’t survive this way. But they had something fundamental, moral and so precious, things we should follow, and all of this is falling apart before my eyes, and that’s a fact. Of course, you must be the change you wish to see in the world. Everyone says that. When you change for the better, exude the other energy, mutually attract the best people, your world really changes, that’s a fact and that’s okay.
But I mean, what if only a person does, the other mankind won’t do a thing in no time this all means nothing. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t improve yourself. I think it’s our lifeline, that’s what I’m saying people don’t care for now, these values passed down from generation to generation – they fall apart. I don’t see how got that. I think it’s like we, as the elders, just don’t get the 15 years old teens’ concerns.
But I don’t feel that. You don’t? When I come to grams’ and turn on the TV, I have this feeling like “what this country’s coming to? It’s falling apart” But when I watch some intelligent YouTube shows, I think “ha, there’s so many cool people beside” I mean it depends on which one you… so many people have internet access and you follow just certain view, so your position is based on that point, but there’s so many of them. Yup, that’s a thing, maybe I’m wrong. I don’t argue with that. I just wonder why would you think that? Maybe I just want to see the bad and ignore the good, maybe I’m like that.
Because all in all I am a passive-depressive person, and I don’t know why but the worse attracts me. Heavy metal, Satan and all this shit. It attracts me cause I feel the main emotion is fear - because of fear you can do everything. I think 90% are believers just because of fear. They are afraid of going to hell? Yeah, they are afraid of going to hell, to stay just by yourself and for some responsibility they need a Guy, who can tell they things or show them, meet after death and something.
Only the bad times make people pray. And you do this all like someone’s made you, you’re afraid you’ll be fired, you’ll get dumped. And this motivates you. I believe I started doing this kind of music unconsciously,
because I want to inspire a bit of fear, cause aggression and brutality evoke emotions. I don’t wanna say I call for something but music is emotional and it always touches you, triggers concerns, worries and something like that. It really attracted me since I was a kid like “I’m afraid of it, I don’t like that, but I LIKE that” Why people watch horror movies, why do they like dissected bodies? It is all these goosebumps, adrenaline, people need to feel that. They can say it’s bad, we should ban it, but that’s not how it works. For all the history we as mankind were cruel, angry and greedy. It is all inside of us, you just can’t erase it. Everyone wants to make us perfect, ideal, to show that we’re good, but we’re not! We are animals, sometimes dumb and disgusting.
But it doesn’t mean we don’t have positive ones. This world is a duality – “yes-no, yin-yang, good and evil”, it is a necessity. And you can choose a thing you’ll use and the ways you’ll go. That is the art path I wanna follow. I think this world is overfull with the filth and shit more than good stuff.
And you know why? It is all about consciousness. People are unconscious at all! They make decisions by instinct, everything based on their ego, not wide minded at all. Can you watch yourself at least 5-10 minutes? No! Cause you forget about it and start doing a thing reflexively, you don’t even think about why you have such thought, why you’ve done or said something.
You don’t run your back, you don’t search for the deep of these problems, but if you do – that is such a long term that emotionally overfull you. If you start to find starting points of your behavior, you start to monitor yourself from the outside, you start to think that we stupidly make all of our decisions, and it makes your life and your environment, you don’t affect only yourself. Any word you say or action you do it doesn’t go anywhere. It will 100% affect you through some people.
I didn’t think about it before, but now I understand that any contact, any situation – I definitely attracted it all to myself. There is no accident at all. And let’s imagine – we pick a some paths, I told or done something and it brings me “here”, as an example to your podcast, I start affecting you, you affect me and so on. This is some kind of exchange.
Chemistry? More like math, it’s so predictable and logical. But when you start thinking about it so much you get so tired of it. We can’t control everything 100%, but out of all these small aspects on which your life is based, you can collect some elementary things and rules that if you follow, they clear your way that won’t lead you to circumstances you don’t need. It’s like as an example the religious thing “don’t kill, don’t steal” and all this.
If you try to live by these canons, you will never ever attract shit to yourself. Someone can say “no, if it’s destined, you will get. Into it” But I don’t believe that. I believe that everything that is happening is your responsibility.
And of course you came to that unconsciously and it’s fully you responsibility. If you understand this can happen and it’s happening – that’s your fault, you’ll be responsible to yourself. I believe no god punishes after death, no courts, just your conscience will be clear and your mind won’t justify you. That’s who you are, what your nature is – you’ll meet yourself face to face and you’ll be shocked asking the question “why me?” Many people say “they don’t believe something exists after death, they think there’s noting in there” And what is "nothing"? But nothing is always something.
This reality you can’t imagine “nothing”, your mind just can’t do it. Let’s say when we say “infinity” we imagine it as some kind of a picture. We are not able to do it any other way or to feel it. But it is possible there are other substances and life form that have completely different perception of the world.
And we can’t feel or imagine it. But that's already something. Actually, it’s so easy, we are like flies tapping at the window and there’s a pane wide open. This world is multifaceted. I believe there are thousands and millions of worlds.
We are built like that we see ourselves by our own eyes but this doesn’t mean it’s truly us. Here we are talking right now about things can’t be told so clear for everyone to understand them. Imagine a situation where a guy born blind, deaf and with specific senses of perception of reality.
How to explain a blind one what red color is. Kind of, yeah. Again, there’s such a thing as a collective mind, there is an information embedded inside of you, like DNA. Why the child immediately reaches moms’ breast and no one explained it to him. This information, you are born in it, you stay in it, initially some things are embedded in you. We can speak the same language but imagine different things.
Because the experience is very different. Precisely! And first of all you shouldn’t speak with your tongue but your heart. And if you are in sync, similar attracts similar. And that’s okay. That also means you have small charge. If it’s bigger you’ll contact everyone. My lifestyle is to try not to judge someone. I’m not perfect, I’m not an angel, I’m aggressing people. But then it dawns on me I’ll never get the person because I am not him, and I’ll never be.
It doesn’t mean he is wrong or I am right. It’s like the other waves the other sense. This is how it’s done. Agree. But I might be little incorrect.
I didn’t say I don’t have the connection. You just don’t let them in. No, no, just because I used to live in addicts and convicts neighborhood I learned to find this common thing with everyone. It’s not a problem. I rather meant kind of super close connection, this mental level of understanding. Like existing on shitty food for the whole month and you don’t need to explain because he lived the same, he knows what starving means.
When you were telling about the impossibility of understanding something else, so there are cool books this topic, where explained that we think as an egocentric being. Like if we don’t see the other creatures outside of our planet, then they don’t exist, when they may be in another dimension. Bro, they could be right here and right now. It’s just, we are thinking in categories: time, gravity; and for us, these are fixed values, these are constant. But in reality, for somebody, they may not exist. Of course.
Or there are more of these constants. Sure, we just take our ruler and start measuring everything with it. But our ruler is… it’s just something that we came up with on our own, and which is for sure not perfect.
Not ideal, yeah. Once again, there is a pretty old book that does a good job explaining this thought. It tells about how a circle, a triangle, and a square have lived in a two-dimensional world.
They were flat. Drown on paper. So, they are living in their world, and once, a three-dimensional ball appears in their world. They are like, “holy shit, what is that?” The ball says “what’s up guys, I’m from the three-dimensional world” They couldn’t figure out what is the three-dimensional world because they have never fucking seen it. We, as humans, perceive everything so one-sidedly. Yes, yes, yes.
And as a matter of fact, it might not be the truth. For sure. Primitive. Very primitive. It is, yet again, relative. Everything is relative. But the laws of life definitely exist. For example, you can’t be close to that guy because he doesn’t have the same experience as you do; and I am certain if you have lived through a shit tone of stuff, and you have a huge background and experience from the past, you see the situation absolutely differently.
Like shit, just take the dudes that have been in hot spots. They change a lot. Most of them. So for them, a lot of things have changed so fucking much, and because of that, they can’t really talk to the people as they used to.
Because they wouldn’t comprehend what it’s like to see deaths a bunch of times a day, every day. Just like that. Friend’s death But for them, it’s already a scar for the rest of their lives. It is one example.
So when people are returning from that kind of experience to the people who have not lived through that, they start talking, and they are like “no man we are not on the same page anymore” You said, since childhood, you’ve been drawn to the ‘bad’. It motivates you. I am just interested in it. But still, you give me the vibes of an open-minded nice guy. I remember you have mentioned that you consider yourself a bad person. I am wondering what exactly do you find bad or wrong or dark in you. What do you not like in yourself? Perhaps you have done something that you are ashamed of? I have, to be honest.
If you were to name specific things or characteristics, what would you say? I could give you an example of one of the big things. I could talk to the girls, open up to them, she will open up to me, she would get used to me, like me, trust my promises, and then one day I would just start ignoring her. I would cross her out from my life just because I’ve changed my mind. And I can’t explain it to her, and I wouldn’t. I just don’t give a shit anymore. Don’t give a shit about her? Yes. Totally. I don’t want to explain anything. I am hurting her feelings, though.
Of course, she is hurt, perhaps this experience also affects her future life. But then I’m like that’s not my fucking problem, she could figure it out I could do it to some friends too. That kind of shit I do all my life. Even if it may happen sometimes. I am trying to put an end to it. I’m trying to explain stuff if I feel like it. This bipolarity is so bad. Lately, I’ve started telling every new person I talk to that I am not emotionally stable. At all.
Girls are usually like “wow that’s so cool” “He is so unpredictable” And I am like hey there, you don’t understand shit. Yeah, probably because they don’t have that experience, so they start imagining it. So yeah, that is not cool at all. Of course, I’ve had stuff I am now ashamed of.
The stuff I am trying to prevent from happening again Also, I do not think that it is right to say “He’s my homie, I fully trust him, he’s not going to betray me, etc.” I find it funny. Even if the dude is time-tested, I am sure that it’s just a situation that would push him to the betrayal that has not yet happened. Even that movie, “Bimmer” with the famous “Dimoooooon” He just sold them, even though they were like brothers. I am sure they were time-tested as well, but still. Humans are not stable or consistent. They can’t promise anything. When people swear to love forever at the wedding, I am like dude, leave that bullshit, this is funny.
I do understand that you gotta be stable and keep to your word and to your choice, but there will be a situation where you’ll have to change your mind and ideas. It is normal and I accept it in everyone. People change. If you don’t change some of your beliefs or views, you are not moving forward. You don’t evolve. That’s on one side, on the other, it is bad towards others. They start treating you as a bad person. I never feel any hope for people. I am not waiting for anything from them.
Let’s take my last relationship. I have never thought that I would fall in love so much for the second time. And that is my problem, that I might miss her even though I was the one to initiate the break-up. I have a strong belief that no one owes me anything. I am only responsible for myself and answer only to myself. People often start seeing the world through rose-colored glasses.
They build false hope for other people, then it doesn’t go as they’ve hoped for, and they go crazy. They suffer, cry, whine, talk shit about that person. I think that that is total bullshit.
I never celebrate before time, I never count on anybody, but that doesn’t mean that I am introverted or that I don’t leave my house. No, quite the opposite. I’ve started having more interactions with people, and I feel a lot better because I don’t have any false hopes.
For nothing. Once again, I am not saying that it is good to always change your mind and betray people, that is not what I am saying. Of course, you gotta have some principles and deal with your faults and wrongs; you need to have some goals and go towards them. However, you need to know that it can all change, and when it does you have to tell yourself why are you changing your ideas.
It has to happen, not just because you want to or easier or because you are scared. You gotta have a good argument. You know, your ideas right now remind me of myself back when I have gone through the betrayal of a close person. I have a feeling that you have gone through the same. For sure. I think that most people have had moments of betrayal, but now I see the betrayal differently.
The betrayal doesn’t exist to me. I’m just ready for everything. So, if you don’t expect anything from a person, he can’t betray you? Yes. On one side, I totally get what you are saying. On the other, doesn’t it hurt you not being able to be close to your friends? The cold-bloodedness.
It is a healthy and rational idea, but perhaps you limit the emotional connections. Definitely. A person might not be able to fully open up to you when he knows that have not done the same. You gotta feel it. You gotta feel it.
I am not saying that I am emotionally closed up. I am so emotional. I could give so much emotion to a person and be like a part of a family to him. But when the time of betrayal comes, I would... You would not be surprised. Not at all. Just like well, ok. Everything that has happened to us is in the past,
and it was great. Now is present. So you don’t cross out the past if it was amazing? No, not at all. The experience is always beneficial. It is so important to learn not to live in the past. It’s the worst when you start digging in your past, that is like digging in your dirty laundry. Why the fuck would you do that. There is only present.
The memory of the past and the fantasies of the future are just in your brain. Only the present exists. You must be able to learn from your past and think rationally about the future, but you must never leave in the past nor in the future.
I agree. Of course, you will remember your past sometimes. I am talking about my last relationship. Emotions about the past do come up,
but I do not cry in the corner because I realize that NOW is not the past. All the sadness and nostalgia are temporary. The time does heal. Time passes and you become another person.
Living another life. Another life, definitely. Your cells have been replaced, and your memory has been overwritten.
Just like that. You just have to learn to deal with it. Have you ever thought about moving away from Russia? Yes, I have. I can’t say that it’s great everywhere else. Every country has corruption and other unpleasant things. However, if you take the last Yuri Dud’s (the famous Russian journalist) video about torture, in which the police guy has been set up and was basically forced to jump out of the 3rd floor and break his back. As usual, they were trying to blame him in everything in order to get a better pay raise or to be promoted.
They have tortured him and there was a moment when he was left alone in the room, and there was no lattice on the window, so he decided to escape through it and has broken his back. That’s because as soon as you are out of the police office, you have more chances to get justice if you for example go to the hospital. So, he was taken to the hospital as an especially dangerous prisoner, and in the end, he was acquitted but still remained to be disabled. His story was found by some journalist from Poland if I remember it correctly. The local police did care about that incident, they have raised some money for his surgery. The Polish people just could not believe that such things are possible.
There is so much shit going on in Russia. I have thought about moving to the US, I am in the process of getting an O visa. It gives you the ability to work there.
As a musician, right? Yes, yes, yes. Not just a musician, you could be an athlete, scientist, and some others. People who possess extraordinary ability in some fields. You get it for three years, then you could extend it for two more, and then you could get a green card. Also, in February, I will probably do just a tourist visa through Warsaw. I have scheduled an appointment. I just want to...
Go check it out. Yeah. Not touring, just to live there for a bit. Where exactly would you go? Probably Orlando, Florida, or I’ve got friends in Los Angeles. That is where the parties are. Yeah, but I didn’t really like it in LA, to be honest. I think it’s trashy there.
Of course, it is the capital of show business, money, and all that, but that is not why I want to go to the US. I just want to try a different life. Try the new lifestyle. Then, if I don’t like it there, I would just try to find a place where I fit. It’s really hard to find a place I can call home. I’ve lived in Sochi. I kinda miss it, but I mostly miss nature, the mountains, and the forest. However, it was like a countryside. There is no infrastructure, which is important to me.
I moved back to Ekaterinburg. That is my home, my place of power. Even when I had COVID, I went there and immediately got better. There I feel like I’m home. But if I stay for more than 2-3 months,
I feel like I gotta go somewhere else. I fill fed up with it. Yeah, you were just talking about the Saint Petersburg. I have just moved to Moscow, I’ve lived there for 2 months now.
Even before, back when I was dating Karina, I’ve visited her and have lived in Moscow for about 3 months, I did not really enjoy it. Now I was like, I gotta move out of the comfort zone, moved to Moscow, and I am realizing that it is just not my city. It’s too fussy and bustling for me. It’s like a stone jungle, and I am more of a nature kinda guy. For sure, I could rent a house outside of Moscow, but I’ve got more friends in Saint Petersburg, including the one that gave me a ride here, Kostya, the one I’ve met in Sochi. I’ve never really thought that at my age now I would be getting new really close friends.
I thought that I don’t really need anyone anymore. Why would I have a few of my best friends already? But with Kostya, we’ve got really close. He has some trouble with the law now, and he can’t move out of Saint Petersburg.
He keeps saying “man, come one move back here” I drove around Saint Petersburg, and it is definitely a beautiful city. I love it. A very cozy, good-looking city. With the just right amount of people. There are a lot of museums and a shit tone of bridges.
I am looking at the houses right now that are somewhere nearby the city... Repino. Right, Repino. He has told me that there are pine forests. It's so damn good there.
There is also a coast. Perhaps, I will try living there for a bit. Saint Petersburg is the best, isn’t it, boys? It’s the best. I’ve also lived in Moscow for some time. I understand what you are saying. I feel like Moscow is not your city, though. You don’t really aim at constantly contacting somebody, like the meetings, show-ups, etc.,
Because Moscow is all about that. To live in Moscow and to stay home... “I’m at the moment” (quotes famous song) I hate the shit. Saint Petersburg in that sense is much better. Yeah. There, life is much slow-pasted.
If you need it, it’s just a 4 hours drive to Moscow. The city is damn beautiful, the nature, and it’s even cheaper. It is! It is so much cheaper, bro. I recommend you just try. You will at least know for sure if you like it here. You learn it when you compare it to something. I don’t mind living here. Then I will try it out in the US.
I feel like this whole world is my home. I don’t have that thing like: "Go Russia Go, I’m a damn patriot, I would never leave", and all that nonsense. I don’t have that. Sure, If you are like that, I don’t mind it, but for me, the entire world is a miracle that I want to try out and explore. Of course, it’s normal to divide it into countries, cultures, laws, priorities, behavior, and all that. I enjoy learning it. Like, how do people live in different parts of the world? I just want to find a place that I would feel fitting.
And the US is a young country, it’s only about 300 years old. There is such a mixture of cultures, and I feel drawn to it. It’s one of the reasons why I want to check it out. Not because “the life is better there” Sure, in some aspects, it’s much more progressive and better in general. But mostly because of its nature. When I’ve been there, I was shocked by how many deserts, mountains... The US is really diverse in the sense.
It’s like they have everything there. You know, bro, I’ve been sitting alone in a coffee shop and some random 50 years old Afro-American starts talking to me. We’ve started the dialogue, and I wondered if he has ever been abroad. I’ve told him that we were Russian musicians and that we travel all around the world. He was like yo, that’s so cool. I asked him if he has ever been abroad, he said no, why that fuck would I go there.
Why would he? We’ve got everything here: Disneyland, mountains, seas, oceans, etc. Like, why would I ever go someplace else? I was like yeah, he’s right. It makes sense, yeah. There was a video on TikTok where the dude walks around the US and asks strangers to name the smallest country.
One girl said Paris. He starts playing with her, he’s like yeah you got it! And he keeps asking questions. The video makes you think that people in the US are dumb. It does, yes. But in fact, if I was an American, I would not give a shit about what is going on outside my continent.
There is an American that lives in Bryansk for a while now, he speaks good Russian and has somewhat of a farm. So, people are asking him what do Americans think about Russia, and he’s like “dudes, you don’t get it, You think that Americans are dumb and all that, but trust me, they just don’t give a shit” Dude, every time I get back from the US, everybody asks me what do they say about Russia. They don’t even think about Russia. They give absolutely zero shit about you and your country.
For sure, there is so much propaganda on the TV, or somewhere else, but I have never heard any negativity from an American. Yeah, they’ve talked about Putin... Because they’re interested. Yeah, right, but here, in Russia, people have such a negative predisposition towards America. It’s always about America here. America, America, America. They don’t give a shit, though. So, that American from Bryansk said a good thing. He called it the Capital Syndrome.
He says, “when you live in a village, you always think about Moscow because it is always in your informational space, However, in Moscow, they have never even heard about your village; they do not even think about it”. The same thing is with the US. Exactly the same. You know, I think that it is a good indicator of a country doing really well. When they start coming up with new problems. Right, they have some gender thingy going on, and I’m like what the fuck is that. Do you really have nothing else to do? Yeah, because everything else is going great there. So they start looking for other issues to deal with.
I agree, ye. But here, we gotta survive first, then you start thinking about other stuff. You are right.
Or another example: you turn 18, go to the store and buy an AK-47. Well, okay, a semi-auto rifle, the full auto rifles are illegal there. By the way, what are your thoughts on guns? I fucking love it.
I mean, your thoughts on it being legal. Fucking love it. I think that our enemies have guns.
I mean the enemies that live with us. And they have disarmed us. So, when the shit goes down, and you have no guns, you will be fucked. Most times, the gun owner is the most fucking responsible person ever. In my experience, I have never met gun owners who would be like “yo look at me” and shoot in the air, like the Dagestanis. They do everything by the book, they have safes for the guns when they go hunting, they follow all the rules, etc.
Then as soon as some shit happens, like the school shooting, everybody starts blaming the gun owners. That’s not how you solve a problem, though, it should be common sense. But unfortunately, we live in this reality. Or they are trying to use these terrible events to control people even more.
Perhaps, one day, the shit does go down, and there would be, God forbid, a civil war, or some other conflict, you gotta be able to defend yourself and your family. How would you do that if you have no guns? With the chopsticks. Right lol. I think that it is stupid to prohibit anything at all. However, there are situations, when, for example, a kid finds his dad’s gun and accidentally shoots himself. Well shit, let’s ban everything then, because of such accidents.
It reminds me of yesterday’s interview with Ekaterina Mizulina* who is actually like: *member of the Public Chamber of the Russian Federation “there was a drug propaganda in that one song, so, let’s fucking completely ban that rapper”. But seriously, some people do think that way. I’m not sure what their problem is. You can’t get it, you are not them. Your next big goal is having a family. Do you think that the family and your carrier would go along well? I think it would.
I believe that a family is a form of existence and relationship that is just made up by the people. It completely makes sense when humans get together to go through life issues, not on their own. That’s the first reason. Then, the family gives you a huge experience in the relationships. You can’t choose your parents, nor your kids, still, you have to be together.
I’m not saying that it’s the same for everybody but in most cases. They are very similar to you. You have not picked them, but you are their son, or they are your parents for a reason. I believe that it happens for a reason. So, you gotta look for a lesson in every moment and learn from it. You gotta build experience out of it, so you could use it later on. Also, if we are talking about natural instincts, here is what I think about it.
A male, just like an animal, fucks everything that moves and that is normal for him. He gives away his energy by doing so. I’m going to say my opinion, I’m not trying to impose it on anybody. If you meet a woman that is trying to teach you how to live your life, like a life coach, I bet that she’s not happy. That’s what I think. That’s interesting, why so? The woman that is happy doesn’t need anything. She just receives and that’s it. She enjoys her life and, perhaps, gives a new life (a child). She wants resources and reserves. You cum inside a woman. You give, and she receives/takes.
There are women who squirt. If a man teaches you how to live, that’s great. He needs it. He gains energy by doing that. That’s just how it works. I am certain of it. For sure, there are some exceptions. Nevertheless, men and women are made this way by nature. When you are already a family, you start thinking more.
You deny yourself some things, try to make trade-offs, start trying to change. So, the family is an interesting experience. Were there any times when you met a happy woman, and she was a great specialist in some area? I haven’t met many happy people in general. How do you determine whether they are happy or not? I think that a good indicator of a happy person is a consistently good mood.
He is smiling, always positive, and all that. That’s one of the indicators. I remember, after the death of Chester Bennington, his wife has done a great thing. She has shown so many examples of people smiling... I know what you are talking about. while suffering inside. Yeah, I understand what you are saying.
As I said, that is just one of the indicators. Another indicator would be harmony with him/herself. If you have some internal conflicts, which Chester has had for sure, you will always have inconsistencies with your ideas and beliefs.
Most times, if a person is harmonic with himself, he is incredibly independent of others, perhaps works for himself, does not really have any prejudices or stereotypes, and just tries to be strong on their own. Also, usually, these people are the ones who have barely had any huge life-changing problems in their lives... Or they might have handled it well.
Maybe they have handled it well, but I feel like if some grand shit happens to you... I believe everybody goes through it. It will always remain in the back of your head. Shit, man, what is happiness? Are you able to explain it to me? I liked the word you used, you said ‘harmony’. I think that it’s the most correct word because when you are happy in general, you are... You see, I have some vivid examples of people who are so fucking rich, they own a business, a few cars, a few houses, etc., but nevertheless, they are unhappy. Right.
Because they are trying to heal their mental wounds with the physical things. Then, on the opposite side, when I meet people, the ones you’ve said you don’t meet that often. The happy people. Usually, these are people that have simple lives, but they have that harmony within, so they feel so damn good.
You wanna know why is that? Because they don’t try to fight nature. You can’t fuck over nature. That’s what I’m saying, when a woman lives like a woman, she is most likely to be harmonic with herself. Because all the aspects affect that. If she is trying to reinvent the wheel, she’s not gonna go far. You can’t go against nature. You either follow nature or keep pissing against the wind. That’s what I am talking about. Going back to the topic of the family. I would love to understand how the family is meant to be.
I, personally, don’t look up to anybody. I’m learning solely by trial and error. In order to learn, you gotta know at least the basic history of human beings. To see what mistakes they have made. Right, so that you could learn from it and be sure that you are not making the same mistakes. And it is really complicated when you start having these emotional changes and changes in your world perception.
Like, today you are alone, so you want love, care, and empathy, but the next day you are some kind of an alpha male, and you are like “I don’t need nobody, I just wanna fuck, etc.” I am sure that many people have it that way. It’s on the instinct level. Yeah, right, on the instinct level. Some morning, you could wake up and do something that you can’t fix, and you start fucking things up.
It’s interesting to learn and to think about. Would you want to achieve it? Achieve what? The harmony and the happiness. I don’t think you ever truly achieve it, you could only get really close. But you say that you’ve met people that have. There are not many, but they still exist. I kinda feel it’s a temporary state.
When was the last you were feeling amazing? When I used to live in Sochi. Is that so? Yeah. And for about half a year prior to that. I have found myself and there were no factors or accidents that would unsettle me. Then It happened with Karina. We’ve been friends for a while, then started dating,
I imagined some shit for no reason and got unsettled. It was such a hard hit. Now I’m once again not really on track with myself. I am just trying to get my shit together and be myself. Otherwise, it’s crazy. On one side, it’s actually incredible. It is an experience. And from it, you get emotions that you are just not able to feel when you are harmonic. You can’t understand harmony if you don’t know the opposite side of it. Well, I don’t know about that but perhaps, yeah.
You gotta learn the taste of shit to understand the taste of amazingness. May be yeah. It is so complicated. I’m now talking like I know something. I don’t know shit, though. I’m just trying to explain my feelings, I guess.
I might be completely wrong and people that are going to watch this interview are going to be like: “what the fuck is he talking about” and perhaps, I would even agree with them, you know. Speaking about relationships, I’ve sent you my respect about... I was even a little surprised that would argue for… it was in your Instagram story. Some guy messaged you, can’t really remember what he said but something along the line of “you are a man, why the fuck did you cry”. You said, “Dude, I have emotions and I can experience it. I love that person” etc.
I really loved it. It is really strong and respectful when you are not afraid to show your emotions. It is so hard, so, you got my respect for that. I mean, man, we have that stereotypical male or a female persona in our community. The man shall not cry, he gotta act this or that way and that kind of stuff.
I think it’s shameful to think that. What do you mean by shameful? I mean, if you are afraid of showing some of your emotions because, some people may think badly about you — it’s kinda stupid. I don’t have these thoughts since I’ve almost died when I was 19. I almost passed away because of drugs. Before that, I used to have a lot of fears, and complexes. I used to depend on others’ opinions
Now I could go to the center of Saint Petersburg and shit in the middle of it. I would not give a damn. Bro, take a shit on the table, please. I’ve just shitted recently, sorry. I’m just kidding, man. That’s cool man.
I mean, it’s so stupid and not important, the fears and all that. When you are slowly dying, you start realizing that you are a damn fool. Like, why was I afraid of it? Is that how I’ve lived my life? That’s some bullshit. I love one poem that goes:
“You gotta live your life the way that you’re remembered Then, in the moment of your passing The world would not be freed from you But you would be freed from the world” That’s great. Who wrote it? I have no clue. Sounds amazing.
It does sound incredible. That’s my most essential position in life right now. I must get rid of this world. Not the world would get rid of me, like some trash. I must live this life not being ashamed to die so that you don’t ask anybody for a second chance like “oh I’ve lived such a shitty life”. You can die any moment. Today, or tomorrow. Momento mori. Death should motivate you so much to live your life worthy of yourself.
All your ideas and beliefs are pointing you in the right direction. It used to make me shy, but fuck that, not anymore. It is complete bullshit. Do you know what’s the biggest delusion people have? Including me and everybody here.
You are not thinking about it, though it is just there in your head. You can’t imagine that you only have a day to live. You always think that you are going to die just from old age. You don’t think that death is near. It may pop up in some critical moments. Do you remember, as a child, for the first time realizing that one day you are going to die? For sure. Seriously? Yes. Yeah? Yeah, now, I think about it less...
You have sincerely believed in the fact that you actually might die? Well, firstly, I’ve had some moments when I’ve almost died, literally. Secondly, later on, perhaps at the age of 14, I for the first time had a panic attack and I had no fucking clue what was going on. Holy shit, at 14 years.
I was in an elevator and the ride down seemed infinite. I thought I was going to die there. I’ve only had panic attacks three or four times in my life. Not sure why, perhaps the stress builds up. Perhaps, yeah. One day, on my way to work, to the warehouse, when I used to work with the auto parts. I think I was 19. Imagine that, I was in a tram on the way to work, as usual, and I had a panic attack right in the tram. I was so sure that I was going to die.
There was a bridge over the river, and I was sure the tram was going to fall from it. My heart is beating, I feel awful. I just wanted to start yelling that we are all going to die, get out from the tram. But then I was like, “everybody’s gonna think that I am some weirdo” I left the tram alone one stop before the bridge and watched...
How they all die. And was laughing just like you right now. With the devilish voice. So I watched the tram going over the bridge, and I was so sure that it is just going to collapse, and when it didn’t collapse I thought to myself “hm, I was so sure” I really thought I was going to die, and I didn’t understand why.
I’ve waited for about 5 more trams to pass. I was late for work for an hour, and I had no clue how to explain myself. Si
2022-03-09 10:01
