Valley Business Keynote 2018
Please. Welcome this year's opening, VPK, speaker Dave, person. My. Job is to grease the wheels a little bit which is really easy when there's such amazing, talent coming right behind me today, I'm gonna give you three challenges, that I hope you can implement as a result, of spending the time with us today the, first is about understanding that it starts with yourself the. Second is finding the courage to actually implement, what you're challenged to do and the third is committing to do one thing differently and that's the path I want to walk you down the first challenge that I told you about is realizing, it starts with yourself for. A lot of us we do, not realize, we cannot be someone else's hero until, we slay our own dragons, a lot of leadership is about reflecting on our own experiences, first what, do we do well what do we struggle with how are we trying to change our community, and the spot we're in that, involves, vulnerability. That involves, being willing, to have a reflective, look at our own personality, our own experiences, and push ourselves to look differently a major, research, institution recently. Did a study in which they looked at mid and senior level management across America, and found that 94%, of, these individuals, engaged, in little to no personal, reflection, on an annual basis, that. Study doesn't exist I made it up for the purpose of making a point this afternoon when I'm with you but it sounded, convincing didn't, it because. We realized we don't do it it's not natural to go hike up old rag and think about am i leading the right way am i parenting, the right way am i changing lives as I intend to but, having vulnerability, is what puts us in the ability to actually, make that implementable. Difference, in the lives of those we touch on a regular basis, I don't. Know how you go after that but for me it's all about the mentorship sigh pursue the people I let closest, to me who I asked to challenge me and push me to think about the world in new and different ways the.
Truth About real mentorship is it's not a venting person who simply endorses, everything you're already thinking but challenges, how you think how, are you exposing yourself to people who will fundamentally say, I hear what you're saying but have you considered a different path have, you pushed a different button have you done this in the past and asked for a different result then it's try to go a different way. We, have to surround ourselves by people who intentionally push us to be different greater, and better and we can't ask that of someone else until we've done it for ourselves so, the first of the three is to challenge you to realize it starts with yourself find, that mentor in your life pursue that mentor formalize, the relationship say can you be someone I can count on on a regular basis, to, make sure I'm doing everything I can contributing. In every way that I can the second step is about finding the courage and finding that courage isn't always easy our culture, is so special, in the Shenandoah Valley because, we take care to make sure we're uplifting, one another protecting, one another and, even when we have things like bless, his heart which it took me way too long of living into the valley to realize wasn't actually a compliment. It. Takes courage sometimes. To have that candid moment with someone else sometimes to look at them ago here's the deal I have a vision for our organization. I have a vision for my team and where you are now is not helping us get closer to that vision so, I need more from you I need you to understand, and be a part of that when. I was a young manager I struggle, with that a lot because I couldn't, separate. The. Fact of needing the courage to have that difficult conversation from, the emotional, base that drove it and I, found myself in trouble in a lot of times because I would be losing, sleep for, nights before I had to do that I would, find myself crying, in a car after I had a difficult conversation with, someone there's, the leader I still respect now who says every time he has a difficult conversation has, to go vomit before he can have that conversation and. I, don't talk about vomit in my only BBK opportunity, to be with you all for, any reason, other than to say we try to numb ourselves, to. That emotion, and I'm here to beg you rather than numb yourself realize, that that emotion, is actually the thing that's going to help you have that candid moment more than anything else. Emotion. Is what makes us be humans who connect with other humans, and when. We separate, emotion from our interaction, we, give ourself permission. Not to be human we. Give ourself permission, not to look at the other person we're talking to as another person who has all the same features we do all the same external, forces we do but look at them as simply a role player we, are at a time where it's so easy to get an ego boost I know, right now I could post a selfie on Instagram and, get somewhere between 10 and 12 likes. That. Makes me feel good about myself I also, know, I could post a picture my five-year-old daughter on bail on Instagram, against somewhere between 100, and 150, likes I, have. Come to terms with this my therapist, has told me it's because she's shorter, and the camera reflects better off her cheeks, I'm. Sold I haven't, looked at the science but it makes sense it takes. Courage but. We have to do it anyway that's. What it's about is doing it anyway that's the third challenge guys that I hope you will take back to, your organizations, with you I love this community I've been in this community a long time but I see a future for this community where we're a little bit better than we are today and that, starts by doing something different if you're like me you're gonna have a really good day today you're gonna take notes you're gonna go home you're gonna talk about what you heard about today you're gonna go to work tomorrow the notes are gonna go top of your desk then. Next week three projects they're going to come in it's going to drop a little lower on the pile, then. The next week more projects will come in and they'll drop until eventually it'll get filed because you say I'll go back and pull the file and six. Months from now with shredder and we lost some momentum, when.
You Go back to your organization go, all-in find, the project you've been delaying if you don't know the thing you need to pull the trigger on then ask yourself some simple questions ask, yourself, if you knew you, were going to be walking away from your organization, six months from now what would be the several things you would make sure you got done before you left so the person who next stepped into your shoes was set up for success, that's. Your candidate opportunity, to have courage and make a change if you. Don't think that way ask yourself, what would the new me do within. Their first couple weeks of being here because that's the, easy things to pull on and make a meaningful change to what happened and if. You're really courageous ask yourself this, what. Would happen if we took the president, of the Bank of the James and the principle of Harrisonburg high school and swapped, him for a week and. Told. Them at the end of that week to sit down and say and only doing your job for a week I found these opportunities, to improve the way you serve clients or serve students. We're. Fortunate in this valley that we live in our bubble but. That bubble keeps us from challenging, one another sometimes to find new heights if. We commit to these three things doing the self-reflection, that pushes us further finding. The courage to actually, move forward on projects, that have stalled and grow that is stunted, and doing, one thing differently, as a result of being here today our community. Will alongside us, and much, like you that's a community I would love to live in being, raised, my family in and spend, the rest of my days in thank. You all so very much. Please. Welcome to the Valley Business keynote, stage Kim. Scott. Thank. You so, much it's great to, be here today. Radical. Candor, is really, a very, simple, idea but if each of you can put it into practice it. Will help you not, only do, the best work, of your lives but build teams where everyone, can do the best work of their lives and even.
More Importantly, from my perspective, it'll. Help you build, the best, relationships. Of your career in. Order, to explain, what I mean by radical, candor I want to start by telling you a simple. Story about. A time when my boss criticized. Me, I had, just started working at, Google, and I, had to give a presentation. To the founders, and the CEO about how the Adsense business. Was doing and I. Walked into the room and there, in one corner, was Sergey, Brin one of the founders, on an elliptical trainer. In a, bright blue spandex. Unitard, and toe shoes and in. The other corner, was Eric Schmidt the CEO doing, his email and he was so deep into his email it was like his brain had been connected to his machine and like. Any normal person in this situation, I felt a little bit nervous how. In the world was, I supposed, to get their attention. Luckily. For me the Adsense business. Was on fire, and when, I explained, how many new customers we, had added over the last couple of months, Eric. The CEO almost, fell off his chair he said what did you say do. You need more marketing. Dollars, do you need more engineers how. Can we help you keep this going so, I'm feeling like the meetings going all right in fact. I'm feeling like a genius and as. I left the room I passed by my boss who is Sheryl Sandberg and I'm expecting, kind of a high five a pat, on the back and, instead. Sheryl, says to me why don't you walk, back to my office with me and, I thought oh boy I screwed, something up and I'm sure I'm about to hear about it and, she. Started, the conversation, by. Telling, me about the, things that had gone well. In the meeting not, in a feedback sandwich. I think there's a less polite term for the but not not, sort of in a kick me kiss me kick me kind of way but really telling me some things that she seemed to mean that I hadn't realized before then that had gone well but of course all. I wanted, to hear about was, what. I had done wrong and eventually. Cheryl. Said to me you, said I'm a lot in there were you aware of it and, at that point I breathes a huge sigh of relief and I kind of made this brush-off gesture because if that was all I had done wrong who really cared I had a tiger by the tail and I said yeah I know it's, a verbal tic it's no big deal really and then. Cheryl said to me I know this great speech, coach, and. I. Bet Google would pay for it would you like an introduction, and once, again I made this brush-off gesture, with my hand and I said no I'm busy, didn't. You hear about all those new customers I don't have time to go do a silly speech coach and then, Cheryl stopped, she, looked me right in the eye and, she, said Kim I can see when you do that thing, with your hand that, I'm gonna have to be a lot more direct, with you when. You say um, every. Third word it makes, you sound stupid. Now. She's, got my full attention cardinal. Sin at Google is stupidity. Now. Nothing. Don't be evil it's not nerds don't be stupid right so, so. So. Now I'm really struggling, I I I realized. That I've I've. Really, done something wrong I have nobody wants to feel like they just look stupid in front of the CEO and the founders of a company and some. People would say that it was mean, of, Cheryl to say that. I sounded stupid but it was actually the kindest, thing she could have done for me at that. Moment in my career because if she hadn't, said it to, me and just those words and by, the way she wouldn't have used those words to other people, on her team who might not have made this brush-off her who might have heard her the first time but, if she hadn't, said it to me and just those words I would. Never have gone to see the speech coach and if I hadn't, I wouldn't have learned that Cheryl was not exaggerating, they, videotaped. Me. Presentation. One of life's most painful, situations. Made. Me watch myself, on video and I, literally, did, say. Every. Third word and this, was news to me I had been giving presentations. For my entire, career, I had, raised a couple of startup, companies and raised. Millions of dollars giving. Presentations. I thought I was pretty good at it and this, it was almost like a sudden, realization that I had been walking through my entire career, with, my fly down and nobody, had told me like I could, zip it up if I knew was down but no until, why had, nobody, told me in my whole career, because. I gave presentations, all the time and then. I started, thinking about, Sheryl. And what. Was, it about Sheryl, that made it so seemingly, natural. And easy for, her to give me the feedback and, I. Realized that when it came to Sheryl it really boiled down to two things. Sheryl. Cared, about me, not just as an employee, but. As a human being when I moved I had lived in New York when I moved from New York to California to. Take, the job at Google I didn't really know anybody and Sheryl, could tell I was lonely and invited, me to join a book club knowing, that I loved to read when. I had a family member fall, ill, Sheryl.
Said I am, gonna write your coverage plan you go get on an airplane your, place is at home right now we've. Got you covered at work that's what we're part of the team and that's what we do for each other and that was the sort of thing that Sheryl, did not just for me but. For everyone who worked directly with. Her she, couldn't of course do it for all 8,000. People in her organization, but. For the people who share. All worked closely with you knew, she. Had your back she. Cared about you at a very deep in human level but. She. Never let, her concerns. For, your feelings, get. In the way of telling, you very directly, when you screwed something up and so that was really all it was care personally, challenged, directly now. I spent. Two. Years of business goal one, summer at McKinsey, Consulting, and in, that period of time I learned one important, thing all. Of, life's problems can, be boiled down to a good two-by-two framework, so this is the radical. Candor framework, care, personally. Challenged. Directly so. Let's let's, take each dimension in turn first, care. Personally. This, is what I like to think of as the given. Dimension, of radical, candor like at the very least, you, want to show common. Human, decency towards. The people who. You work with now. What is it that moves us down on this, dimension I've never worked with a single, leader who said to me I don't, care at all about other, people so I'm going to be a great boss you know that's not how, it works the. Thing that moves us down is sometimes of course we're stressed out we're worried we're trying to get something done but. I think the fundamental issue here, is actually. Something. That starts. Much. Much. Earlier. On. The, on their on their on the care personally. Dimension. Of radical, candor so, you want to be more than just professional you. Want to bring your, whole self to work and if you are a leader if you're a manager you. Need to create, teams. On, which, everybody. Can, bring their, whole selves, to work their best selves, to work because. A lot of us don't feel, free. To be ourselves at. Work and and, beginning, to create, the kind of psychological, safety in which, people can be their true selves at work is what's, going to help you unleash, the true creativity. And, collaboration. On. Your teams the, problem, was just professional. Is that, you're, sort of on a slippery slope to apathy, very. Often, when you're just professional, you kind of it kind of gets translated to not caring that much and the, problem with this is that all of us have a friend or foe bit, in our brains and when. Someone is not a front a friend it's, very tempting, and natural, to start unconsciously. Treating, them like an enemy how, many of you have been at companies, where things grow and at first you're like all on one floor and. Everybody more or less gets along and then he moved to two floors, and all, of a sudden the people on the floor above you are stupider, and less moral, than you are right it's, like it's it's, unbelievable how. Tribal, we are now, Erik Erikson, calls this. Pseudo.
Speciation, Sort. Of the, the, feeling. That you can degrade other, people, without conscience, now, that's kind of a strong word for office. Politics, but, it happens, all the time at. Work where we start to treat our, bosses. Like tyrants, to be toppled, we, start to treat our peers, like enemy combatants. We start to treat our employees like, pawns on a chessboard we. Forget that we're all just human beings trying to work together to get something done and. In order to combat this at the very least you. Want to, show, that you care that you give it a very, human, level about. The people who you work with and when, you're really lucky when, you're really lucky you actually. Get to, love the, people who you work with now. Not love in the marriage destroying. HR. Disaster. Sense, of the word that that's. That's, not what I'm talking about here, but. Like you you actually care. You actually, have real, human, relationships. At work that, give your life meaning and, that help you love your work and the, people who you work with. Unfortunately. However the Beatles. Got it wrong because love, is not all, you need you also need this other dimension of radical. Candor the challenge, directly, dimension. Of radical, candor this, is what I like to think of as the willing. To people. Off dimension. Of radical, Canada. So. Why. It, hardly seems, worth, asking why, are we so reluctant. To people. Off I think the problem, here begins, not. When, we are, 18. Years, old. But when we're 18, months, old I grew. Up in the south I grew up in Memphis and. My. Parents, with all the best intention. In the world told me something that I bet all of your parents so raise your hand if your parents said some version of if you, don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at, all right yeah this. Happens, this happens and, it, happens in in every, different culture, in the. Country and there's, versions, of this saying throughout, the world so, this is training that we get from, the moment we learn to speak if you don't have anything nice, to say don't say anything at all well, now, you. Are a boss and, congratulations. It is your job to say, it and I, would, argue it's, not only, your job but, if you really care, about the people who, you work with it's. Actually, your moral, obligation. To. Say it to just say, it and it's, not only, boss to, employee it's. Also, employee. To employee if you care about your colleagues, you need to tell them both. The, great things they're doing but also when they're screwing up and most. Importantly, it's. Important. To tell your boss and if you're the boss it's important, to listen to it to solicit. Radical. Candor because if. You don't know what's really happening in, your organization if, you don't know what people are really thinking you're. Missing out on what's actually happening. You're, gonna you're headed for a disaster that you're not even aware of so it's so important, this challenge, directly. So. That's why radical, candor is hard it's hard because of training that we've had since we were 18 years old this be professional, business, and, it's. Hard because of training, since, we were 18 months old this if you don't have anything nice to say don't say, anything at, all, one. Of the things that I've done to try to make it a little bit easier, for for. You and also for me to. Remember. To be radically, candid is to think as precisely, as possible about, what happens, when. We fail on one dimension or another so. Sometimes, we do challenge, people directly and we, forget, to, show them that we care about them we forget, to say that.
I'm Going to tell you this thing because, I want to help you and it feels just like you're kicking them in the shins and that, I call, obnoxious. Aggression, now, when I first started thinking about this I just called this the quadrant. It seems like kind, of more. Radically, candid, right and I, stopped I stopped, doing that though for a very important, reason because, as soon as I use. That word in this, framework, people, use the framework to start writing names in boxes, right. And. I beg of you I beg of you don't use, this framework that way, this is not about. Labeling. Other people, it's not about judging. Other people it's not about judging, yourself, these. Are mistakes that, we all make so use this framework like. A compass, not like a myers-briggs. Test use it like a compass, to. Guide, conversations. That you're having into, a more positive reactive. Into, a more positive direction to. Be aware of when, you're maybe veering. Into. Into. Obnoxious, aggression, and what, can you do to just take a second, to show that person that you care about them at a human level now. Very. Often, when we find, that we have been obnoxiously, aggressive, the, temptation. Not just the temptation, but the natural, instinct. Is to, move the wrong direction on, challenge, directly, instead. Of moving the right direction. On, care personally. And when, this happens. We. Wind up in the worst quadrant, of all manipulative. Insincerity, this is the false apology, this, is the oh it's, not really that big of a deal when it is a really big deal this is backstabbing. Behavior, this is political, behavior. Passive-aggressive, kind of behavior, happens, he in manipulative. Insincerity and we're all guilty of it from time to time 85. 90 % of mistakes, that happen, at work happen. In this last quadrant, where, you do. Care. Personally. About, that other person where. You are genuinely, worried, about, their feelings, about not hurting their feelings and because, you're so worried about not hurting their feelings you, don't tell them something that they really need to know and this, I call ruinous. Empathy. Ruinous. Empathy and it, is the downfall of so, many great companies. So. Many great teams so, many great relationships, by, the way this is not only, useful at work sometimes I'll give this presentation and, somebody. Will come up to me afterwards and say gosh if I had just heard this five years ago I wouldn't be divorced right now so, there's ruinous empathy happens in all aspects, of our life one, of the mistakes that a lot of people make with radical, candor, is they. Think it has to take forever, I, got. An email from somebody who said how long do these radical, candor, therapy, sessions, have to take the. Answer, is usually. Under, two minutes these. Conversations. Can be very quick in fact for me the. Origin story, of radical, candor happened, in the, space of time it took a light to change on the streets of Manhattan, had. Just gotten this puppy, Belvedere, Golden Retriever puppy and I, adored, this dog I loved her so much that. I. Never set a cross word to her and as a result she was totally out of control so I'm taking taking, her on a walk she's jumping all over the place she jumped, into the street in front of a speeding, cab I pulled her out of the way just in time and I'm. Standing there on the corner. Of the street with my heart in my throat and this man a perfect, stranger looks at me and he. Says I, can. See you really love that dog that's, all he has to do to move up on the care personally, dimension, he, doesn't have to remember my birthday or. The names of all my family, members doesn't, have to take me out to lunch just seeing. Somebody. In the moment and, noticing. What. They're thinking and how they're feeling and giving, voice to it doesn't, take long but. That was it I can see you really love that dog, but he, says to me you're. Gonna kill that dog if you don't teach her to sit and then, he points, to the ground and he says sit dog. Sat, I. Had. No, idea, the, dog even knew what that meant and. I kind of looked up at him an amazement and he, looks at back at me and he says it's, not mean, it's, clear, and then. The light change and he walked off leaving me with words to live by, it's. Not mean, it's, clear so that's radical. Candor it is not about being mean but it is about being clear, in getting, to clarity so, next. Obnoxious. Aggression, I will. Assert, for, the record that I am not usually a jerk but I do sometimes. Behave, like one and I did research and I learned that all of you do the same thing from time to time right this, is a mistake, that we all make so, again shortly. After I joined Google. There. Was. I, gotten. In a, disagreement with Larry Page one of the founders about an Adsense policy, and I, sent an email to, Larry and about 30 other people that said Larry.
Claims, He wants to organize the world's information but. If it'll make us a buck he's willing to create clutter, sites that muddled the world's information, not. My most politically, astute moment. Right so, and I loved the job I wasn't, trying to get fired and I actually liked, Larry - so why did I do that why, did I do that it's. Worth thinking about it for a moment because a lot of people make the same mistake I. Was. Doing that because I believe like, probably all of you that, there's a special place in hell for people, who, kiss up and kick down right but. That doesn't mean doing the opposite, is such a brilliant idea either, I was just kicking Larry in the shins because, he was so much richer. And more powerful than I was caring. Personally. Is actually, something. That you, owe to every. Single person who you work with regardless. Of where. They are in the hierarchy it's the one thing, that, you, common. Human decency is, the one thing that you can show, equally. To everyone regardless of, their position regardless. Of whether there's. Somebody who just started your at your organization. We can go right out of high school or whether, they're the founder of your company so so, remember, that that. Caring, personally, doesn't. Have to take a long time something. You can do with everyone who you who you work with now. The. Real problem, in this, case I actually found, out later Larry thought the email was kind of funny the, real problem. Was. With what happens, next, a, friend. Of mine called, me up and. Said Kim, why. Did you send that email it was incredibly, obnoxious and, I thought gosh why. Did I send that email it was incredibly, obnoxious and, so, the next time I, saw Larry instead, of moving the right direction on. Care personally, I moved, the wrong direction, unchallenged. Directly, and I, said Oh Larry I'm really sorry about that email. I was, right you were wrong two. Problems with that the first problem, was that I was lying I didn't, actually think that, I was wrong and he was right and the. Second problem is that he's got a pretty good BS meter and he knew I was lying and he kind of looked at me like I was a pigeon that pooped on his shoulder and stomped, off it was like one of those cringe, moments. You have in your career the, guy sitting next to me patted me on the shoulder and, said. You, know he likes it better when you disagree with him so, don't make that mistake when you realize you've upset somebody, or that you've been out of line or rude don't. If you still believe in, your, heart of hearts what you said in the first place, don't, pretend otherwise, feel, free to apologize. For your rude behavior but. Don't pretend you believe something, something, that you don't believe so. That's manipulative. In sincerity. Last. But not least ruinous. Empathy. In. Order, to explain, what I mean by this term I want to share with you, probably the most painful, moment, of my career, I had.
Just Hired this guy we'll call him Bob and, I, liked Bob a lot he was charming, he was smart he was funny he would do stuff like, this we were out of manager. One of those manager, off sites that. Takes, forever it, takes forever we're. All stressed, out we're playing one of those get-to-know-you, games, that. Everybody thinks, is that as a total, waste of time but nobody wants to be the jerk who says this is a total waste of time I don't have time to get to know you people and bob. Was the one who, was, at, least in that way and bob, was the one who said look I've got this great idea and. It'll. Be really fast whatever, it was we were down with fast and, Bob. Says let's just go around the table and. Share. What, candy. Our parents, used when potty trained us weird but fast we all did it and then, for the next ten months every time there was a tense moment in a meeting Bob. Would whip out just the right piece of candy for the right person. You. Gotta love working, with Bob right. The. Only problem. One problem, one problem with Bob he. Was doing, terrible. Work, absolutely. Terrible. Sloppy, horrible. Work and. He would hand stuff in to me and there, was shame, in, his eyes it. Was shame that he knew wasn't good enough but. I. And. I I was puzzled by the way like what had happened, I had hired him carefully, he had this amazing resume all these past accomplishments I couldn't. Understand. What was going wrong with. Bob I learned, much later that the, problem, was. That bob was smoking, pot in the bathroom, four times a day which may be explained, all that candy, but, anyway. I. Didn't. Know any of that at the time all, I knew, was, that bob was doing this terrible, work and handing it in to me was shame in his eyes and because. I liked Bob and didn't want to hurt his feelings and, didn't want to upset him, I would, say something along the lines of Oh Bob this, is a great start. You're so smart, you're so awesome, everybody. Loves working with you maybe you could make it a little better and of course he, never did so, what's let's, think for a minute why did I behave that way mostly. It was real. Ruinous. Sympathy it was really, a problem, of me being, concerned, about, his. Feelings. And not wanting to hurt his feelings so this, goes on for. 10 months me not really telling Bob clearly, enough that his work is not nearly good enough and. Eventually, the. Inevitable, happens, because. The. Whole team is having to cover for him redo, his work they're. Getting increasingly, frustrated and, after 10 months I realized that. If I don't fire, Bob I'm gonna lose all of, my best performers, so. I sat, down to have a conversation with, Bob which I should have started 10 months previously, and when. I was finished explaining, to Bob where things stood, he. Kind of pushed the chair back from the table he looked me right in the eye and, he, said why didn't, you tell me and.
Now. I realize. That, I, have, failed Bob in six, very, important. And fundamental ways, I have. Failed to, solicit. Feedback, from Bob, I didn't, know what was going well from his perspective and, I, also didn't. Know what I was doing that was maybe driving. Him so crazy, that he was forced to toke up in the bathroom three times a day I don't, know and, I never will because I didn't ask I didn't, solicit, feedback, from Bob I didn't, know what was going on from his perspective I, also. Failed. To, give, him praise that was meaningful. Kind of praise that I gave him was. Really just a head-fake it was kind of an ego. Self it, wasn't. Actually meaningful. It didn't give him any real information. And. Of, course I failed. To. Tell Bob when his work wasn't, nearly good enough but. Probably, worst of all I failed. To create the kind of environment in, which, everyone. Would. Tell Bob what. They really liked about working, with him and when, he was going off the rails and because. I, failed, Bob in all those different important, ways I'm. Now having to fire him, because. Of it I was, trying to be nice it, didn't turn out so nice at all but. All I could do in the moment because even, Bob at this point realized, it, was it was too late that he should go all, I could, do in the moment was make myself a very, solemn. Promise, that I would never. Make. That mistake again. And that. I would do everything I, could that, helped all the other managers who, I worked with to. Avoid making this mistake that everybody. Makes from time to time and, that is, why I, came up with this. Framework of radical candor why I wrote the book and why, I'm here talking, to you today because I want to help you, avoid. Those bob moments, human. Behavior change is very, difficult. And it's. Not gonna happen I'd like to think I can come in and talk to you for 30 minutes and voila, radical. Candor, is is everywhere, but, that's unfortunately. Not the way it really is going to work if you, if each of you don't. Choose, something, specific, that you're going to do differently, starting now. Like, these are small, ideas, that you can put into practice immediately, then. Nothing will change so I wanted to talk about some. Very specific. Concrete things, you can do you don't have to do all these things choose, the one thing that most resonates, for you so.
I Want to talk about four things first of all soliciting. It remember the order of operations, I was talking about you you don't want to dish it out until, you prove you can take it you want to lead by example, next. You want to give it next, you and and let's think about some, ways to give it in a, way that might, make it easier to hear for the other person. Next. You want to gauge it radical. Candor, gets measured not. At your mouth but, at the other person's, ear but, it's kind of hard to know what's going on at somebody else's ear so what are some things you can do to, understand. How. Its landing, to ask the, other person how, its landing, and, last but not least how. Can you encourage it between, other people how can we all contribute. To building. A culture of a radical, candidate so, let's start with soliciting. Radical. Candor, one, of the best times, to, solicit, radical, candor, is in. Your one-on-one. Meeting and by the way one, of the best ways you. As a manager can show you care, about the, people who work directly for you is to. Have regular. Weekly, one-on-one, meetings, spend, some time with them alone. And talk. To them now. What. You want to do in those one-on-one, meetings. Is mostly listen, you, want you want to get the. Ideas, from, them about you, want to learn, what's on their mind you want to get ideas from them about what what, things could change or whatever but, save a couple of minutes at the end to solicit. Feedback. From. People and, the. First thing you want to do is figure out how you're going to ask for, the feedback you want to have a go-to question, because. If you say do you have any feedback for me I can, already tell you what the answer is oh no. Everything's. Fine no, feedback for you at all so you're just wasting, your breath to ask that question so figure, out how, are you gonna ask for. Feedback. One. Of the questions, that I like to use and by the way feel free to like pull, out I think you have some. Pages. You can take notes right. A go-to question, if all you do is write down your go-to question, and ask somebody after this this, is a triumphant use of time so. What. Are you gonna ask how, are you gonna say it one of the questions. I like to use is what, could I do or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me but. I was working with Krista Quarles who's the CEO of open table and she, said I could never imagine those words coming out of my mouth the, question I like to use is tell, me why I'm smoking, crack all, right lots. Of different ways to ask the same thing right, and, works for her it got people opened. Up the people on her team knew how to take it so, what, are the words that. You're going to use, that. That will that will help. Elicit, an answer, some kind of answer now. The. Next thing you need to do is you need to embrace the discomfort, because. You've just kind of dragged someone. Out on a conversational. Limb that they had no desire to be out on and, if. You jump, in and start answering the question, for them when they don't say anything you're not gonna learn anything so you. Need to learn how to. Close. Your mouth. Count. To 6 in your head I. Only. Just made it to 4 and you are all starting to squirm almost. Nobody, can, endure 6, seconds, of silence they'll tell you something, if you can just remain quiet. For, 6 seconds, so next, you, have to listen, with the intent to. Understand. Not, to respond, this. Is a fancy way of saying don't.
Get Defensive but. It's incredibly. Difficult not. To get defensive when, someone, is offering, you criticism, it's the most natural thing in the world and so you need to go into these conversations when, you're asking, for, for. Criticism. Prepared. Really. To, listen with. The intent to understand. Not. To defend yourself not to explain your yourself, but, just to understand, what, the other person, is thinking, and one, of the one of the simplest techniques, here is to. Say just, to check for understanding what. I want to do is repeat, back what I think I heard you say and then, repeat, it back not in a sarcastic, that's the dumbest thing anybody, ever said to me kind of way but repeat. It back respectfully. And make, because sometimes, somebody will tell you something and you'll. Totally, misinterpret. It or over. Extrapolate. So, so. Make, sure that you understand, what they really said so, now, you've, dragged, someone, out on this conversational. Limb you've dragged information, out of them you, have. Managed. Yourself. So that you didn't throw a telephone, in their face when they told you this thing you didn't really want to hear that's. All good but it's still not enough the, last thing you need to do is you need to reward the, candor, now. It's pretty easy if, you agree with the feedback fix. The problem, you know somebody point something out to you and you can fix it you, want to fix it right away and you want to fix it theatrically. You, want to say so-and-so told. Me that. They. Hated, the black pants I wore look at these new blue jeans I bought or, whatever it is you, want to make sure that you, you, tell, as, many people as possible as. Publicly, impossible, as possible, that. This person told you you were doing something wrong and because. They told you that you. Changed, you made a change you fixed the problem, because. You want to make Listening tangible, now that's not always possible sometimes, it'll take some time now, there will also be times, when you get feedback that, you just disagree, with that you think is off-base is wrong and, you, don't want to act on it so what do you do in those situations you can't just say thank you for the feedback because, the vet is manipulative, in sincerity right so. I think, the most important, thing that you can do in those cases is, first of all, focus. On the five percent, of whatever, was said that you do agree with find. Something. In what was said that. You can hook on to and agree with because that sort of shows that you're open to the feedback you're not being defensive and then, say for the rest of it I want to think about it a little bit and then get back to you and really. Do think about it and then really do get back to them and offer, them a fuller, explanation of. Why disagree, we, can't debate everything. Endlessly, all the time there's a time to listen challenge, commit but, very often if you. Offer someone, an explanation, of why.
You Disagree, with the feedback why you're not going to act on it if, they're, fine people. Don't mind if you disagree, with them but if you ignore them, if you make them feel invisible, that's. What people really mind so a full. Respectful, explanation, of why. You disagree is a great reward actually, for for, feedback. So. That's soliciting. Feedback, next. Let's, focus on giving. Guidance. Both praise, and criticism. Another. Another, criticism, I will make of this talk is that. I tend. To focus a lot on criticism. Radical. Candor, is just, as much about praise, as it is and as. It is about criticism, it's, just more fun to tell the criticism, stories and the, best the, best guidance, that, I've ever gotten in my career, both on the good side and on the bad side happened. And these impromptu, 2-minute, talks, these. Impromptu, conversations. In between, meetings this, is the really good news about radical, candor it's really, it's free first of all and it's really fast, and, you don't have to add tons, of extra meetings to your calendar but it does take enormous. Emotional, discipline, and that, that. You, each have to reach inside yourself, and find that. So, because, these 2-minute conversations, we're all busy, you. Want to be first, and foremost and, this is so important, you want to be humble you, might be wrong about your feedback be open, when, you when. You receive, radical. Candor especially, if it's criticism, don't. Be defensive but, when you give it expect, the other person to, disagree, with you I don't, want to compare, a feedback, to a duel but, if you challenge someone to a duel you don't expect them to lie down and die you expect, them to fire back right so, expect, some disagreement. Expect. Some energy and it's, ok maybe you're wrong be open, to, the possibility. That. Your feedback is incorrect. Next. You want to you want to take a moment to, show that you're trying to be helpful, to, show your intention, very. Often people feel, like you're trying to kick them in the shins and, and. That's they're. Resistant, to that but if you say I want to I want to tell you something, because, I think it'll help you change it because I care about you and know what the other person cares, about if they're, sort of gunning for a promotion, I know you want to get to the next level here's, something, that will help you do it I know you want to to. To. Sell, this deal here's. Something that will help you help, you do it you. Want to do it right away the purpose of praise is to help people know, what to do more of the. Purpose, of criticism. Is to. Help people know, what to do less of why would you wait feedback. Has a short half-life so given immediately you. Want to give it in person, something. Like 90%, of. Communication. Is nonverbal, and, so. If you're not giving, this feedback in, person, then. You're missing out on 90%. Of, the communication, you won't know how they're reacting and, you won't be able to to. Adjust a, big, part of radical, candor, is just putting, your phone in your pocket looking. Someone in the eyes and, talking to them and seeing them as a full-on, human being you want to criticize, in private, you want to praise in, public, it. Seems, sort of obvious but, very often, when. You when, you criticize someone. In public you, trigger their lizard brain and they. They literally, physically, cannot, hear you so you're just wasting, your breath so you want to and there's a there's a difference between debate, which does need to happen in public and criticism. Which needs to happen in in, private, and there's, there's, sometimes a fine line but it's sort of like if you're saying oh there's a typo, on page six that's fine to say in public but if, you want to tell somebody that they, consistently. Make typos and you're worried they don't care about their work like that's obviously, a conversation, you need to have in private. And the reason there are some people who hate public, any public, mention so, for them you don't necessarily, want to praise. Him in public but most people enjoy the public praise and it's, not really just about sort.
Of Feeding. Their, ego, it's also about sharing with the whole team what. Success, looks like it scales, and last. But, definitely not, least you, don't want to give praise, or criticism, about. Personality. The the point here, is to show people what they can change and so for the very same reason, that saying. That someone you're a moron is, terrible, feedback, saying, to them you're ingenious, is also terrible, feedback like it's hard so, so you want to make sure you're focusing. Specifically. On things. That people can change and address. Not on these sort of core personality. Attributes, and it is almost never, the problem with someone's job performance, is almost, never, sometimes it is but almost never a core personality. Attribute. So, that's giving. Radical. Candor. Next. Let's talk about gauging. It again. Radical, candor gets measured not at my mouth but at your ear but how in the world can, I know what's going on in your, ear one, of the things that you can do is to, focus take, the focus off yourself, and focus on what the other person, needs another. Thing you can, do is you can use this framework, to make. Sure, that, you're on the right vector and I'll talk, more about this, in a moment explain, what I mean by being on the right vector and how to use the framework and, last but not least having this shared vocabulary is. The question is do you ever give feedback on feedback having. A shared vocabulary can. Be a real shortcut, to letting other, people know how. You feel, about, the, feedback that that. That. Is happening in the organization, so let's. Think, for a moment about. What. Most, of us fear, when. Giving, when we have to give somebody feedback. Especially if it's critical feedback we. Fear that the other person is gonna think we're a jerk right we fear, that we're gonna be in the obnoxious, aggression, quadrant, but, if we can let go of that for a moment and focus instead, on what, they need now, all of a sudden you're, caring, comes through much more naturally, because you're not focused on yourself you're, focused on what, they need and how you can help them succeed. So. Another. Thing that, you can do is to. Gauge the feedback is, to choose the right vector, to because, one of the one of the, most. Common, problems with feedback training. Is that, it kind of implies that if you choose just the, right words, the. Other person, will take it well and that's just not true so. So you want you want to take a moment to, see the emotion by, the way just, from. Your. Vocabularies. Eliminate. The phrase don't take it personally, it's, okay if somebody starts, to cry it, doesn't mean, that you've. Said it wrong necessarily and, it doesn't mean that they're not professional. It means they care about their work and their ups natural. As normal its human so, accept. A little bit of the emotion, and and use your, reaction to, the emotion as a way to show that you care so. Don't back off your, challenge when somebody, seems, sad now, the other reaction. That you might get even if you start in more or less the right place with the right attitude is the. Person might be that's a very clever graphic, for anger the person might yell at you right, I'm. Not an artist and so. What do you do what do you do if the person starts to yell at you because for a lot of us this is a trigger again. The, right thing to do I can see I've, made you mad I can see you're angry whatever. It is just. Take. A moment to acknowledge the. Emotion, don't try to reject to the emotion, and don't, try to own the, other person's, emotion, don't try to control the other person's, emotions, you, cannot, control.
Another. Person's, emotions at best, you can control your own emotions so. The other thing that we that we asked these actors, in this role played to do. Was, to get very angry, in the, course of the roleplay and they would yelled at their boss the. Fish stinks, from the head down, and people, would react they would get so angry they would go either either. Too obnoxious aggression. And they like jump. Up and say some incredible, things back or they, would just shut down these. These, the, the bosses, in the roleplay would shut down and be, manipulatively, and sincere, they would just cease to engage in a way so if, you, can. Manage. Your own emotions in, response, to the other person's anger then. You have a better hope, of moving. The conversation to. A radically, candid place but I mean if you can't sometimes, we're all going to fail it's hard when somebody is mad, at us not to have an angry response we, all kind of mirror the emotions, of the, people around us and part of your job as a leader is to dampen. Emotions. Not to keep stirring the pot. So. The. Most common thing, that will happen when you start having, these radically, candid, conversations. And my experience, is, kind of that thing that I did, to Cheryl like I just wasn't hearing it I was blowing her off you're gonna get these, are ear muffs that's what that graphic is you're gonna get somebody who's not listening, to you right and in. This case you. Need to move out further. Than you're probably comfortable, moving on the, challenge, directly dimension. Of radical, candor you're gonna have to you're gonna have to say something that's. Not easy, for, you to say you're gonna have to keep saying it until you get through to them and sometimes. It's going to feel like picking, up a 2x4, and hitting somebody over the head but, your job is to be clear your job is to get through to them but. The most common, thing I see managers, do when this happens is, oh I tried, what. More can I do it. Is your job to keep talking, until you get through to this person, so, that is, what I mean by choosing the right vector sort, of be aware, of the, flow of the conversation and, try, to take it to a better place so. Last, but not, least encourage. Okay what can you do to encourage radical.
Candor, Between. Others. This. Is really your source of leverage because you, work with hundreds of people and you're just one person if everybody, is doing this with everybody else the, culture, will will will, become. Sort of a self-reinforcing. Flywheel. So. What one of the most important, things you can do is require. Clean, escalation. What, I mean by this is just don't let people talk badly about one, another behind their, backs like clean. Up your water cooler chat and. Then share the ideas with your team so let me let me talk, for just a moment about clean, escalation. And, one time had, two guys we'll call him Charlie and Daniel Charlie, and Daniel hated, each other Charlie. Would come to me talking about Daniel, and saying. All kinds of terrible things and Daniel would come to me talking about Charlie all, I wanted, was for everybody to get along and do their job and so. I decided I was gonna place shuttle, diplomat, so I'd go to Daniel and I'd say Daniel, if, you can just change this this and this it'll be much easier for, you to work with Charlie, and Daniel's. Like I think Charlie's, been talking to her about me and of course he had an, outer now, Daniel, pours poison, in my ear about Daniel, and so. I go, running to Charlie if you can just change this this and this Daniel. Walks by he's like huh I wonder if they're talking about me and of course we are so, all I wanted, was peace and all I did was stir the political, pot so don't make that mistake don't. Let people talk badly about each, other to you in any case but especially not. If you're the leader ask. Them, did you Charlie. Did you talk to Daniel, Daniel's. The only one who can fix this and, insist. Insist that they try if they, can't, the, two people can come to you together and a, lot of radical candor, is just socially, awkward, you've got to get you got to kind of get past that it, is awkward, to ask two people who are in a fight to come sit in your office and talk it out with you but, you've got to do it otherwise you just stir the political, pot and you want to be as fair and fast as possible, I worked with one CEO who said when two people on my can't on my team can't resolve something then. What I did, is I choose, the worst solution. For both of them that, was the last time anybody ever came to him with a problem so. So. Part. Of your job as leaders. It, may be your least favorite part of the job but it is part of your job is conflict, resolution, so you've got to help people resolve their conflicts. Last. But not least share. The ideas with your team you can this the two-by-two framework, is pretty easy share, it with them you, can always get, a copy of the book at the library or even buy one now. That this is a sales pitch but it's a great book I like to think so so share it with the people on your teams but. Most, importantly. The best thing you can do is, not. To tell the people on your teams my stories, but, tell them your stories, think. About what, is your own story, what's the moment in your career when you got feedback, that. Helped, you for the rest of your life that helped you succeed in your career and share, that story with your team's because, then you're opening, yourself up, you're showing a little vulnerability, you're letting your team get to know that. You, know you're not perfect and that and, that when we tell each other about mistakes. That. We are actually, helping, each other succeed we're not just kicking each other in the shins, so. I am. Now between, you, and drinks. And. I don't that's, not a place I want to be for very long so. I'm gonna I'm gonna say thank, you very much, and I'll take questions out at the reception.