SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
statistics states that 75 of people have had sex before the age of 20. while 95 of people have had sex before the age of 44 premarital sex sex before marriage the controversy hello everyone it's another exciting episode of no limit show with flourish today we're in the city of lagos we want to find out what do people think about the topic sex before marriage should they involve insects before marriage should they not involve being sexy for marriage let's find out um actually sex before married there's nothing wrong with that i'll tell you biblically is not good it's a matter of choice if you two people decided to do it before they wait it's their choice in marriage for sex what's your reason because you have to as in to engage before you have anything like sex or something like that i feel whatever is comfortable for you you do it whatever you feel you want to do whatever i feel is right it doesn't matter i said before my way job absolutely from sex what does it matter whatever you feel like doing um to me um i feel like everybody has different opinion okay firstly it's inside bible whereby um i don't really know what it's decided to quote it but to me sex before marriage is not good for the youth but i don't think it's ideable for teenagers but the youth are better to do that um i feel like it's based on understanding between two parties and no time has changed it's not like um apparent um days when it has to be they don't die or feather you have swimming a virgin or you have to get married to this person i must change you might the other person might be from a religious background the other party might have had his own past stories so i feel like based on understanding and the hats and some they say that is the devil you know it's hilarious so it's just based on understanding and how you guys race to things but still someone have to be very careful because when you're talking about sex you just have to take your time to know who the person is before you have the specialty because it might end up with pregnancy and at the end of the day the person i reject the pregnancy but all the same manager of today to know who you are daily week yeah i think sex is welcome but when it is teen's age i'll write that off eventually they're married to you that's your spouse it could be the or it could be the opposite side the female now most times so women also men want to be sexually satisfied with their wife or they are their husband now when you marry someone you don't know the sex their sexual performance now you are tend to have problem now this problem is that they define you want to start learning on how to teach your wife or your husband how to satisfy you in bed but some some people don't have that patience they want that immediate satisfaction so that is why i said baby please it's not good for the other hand if you look at it like in the world aspect it's good for me i would like to know the sexual performance of my my wife so so so you are welcome to the no limit show with floridge and i am your girl blessing killwell aka flourish here with me is a special guest that's back on set with us and his name is benjamin hi everyone my name is corey benjamin i'm a life and relationship coach and i help people to move from their insecure to their secure self emotionally and it's good to be here once again i'm glad to have you on set and so benjamin we're here to basically debate on this topic okay it's a broad topic a lot of people it's believe me it's a controversial topic you know um people have strong opinions about having sex before marriage some people think no it's a sin especially the religious people right no it's a sin what's your take on it do you stand for or do you stand against it i stand for you know not having sex before marriage okay probably because of my religious background okay in in christianity you know it's usually advised to not have sex before marriage so i try to deal with that okay but i mean does that mean just because you're religious um babylon says do not have sex before marriage does that mean that people really keep to that because i believe that it's okay to have sex before marriage because one of the reasons marriages or people divorce in marriages is as a result of sex and i think what better way to know your partner if you don't engage in premarital sex well you do have a point um but you you should know that aside sex and sexual information all that bonding you still have some other steps to look at before you get there so you want to know the partner you're with he the kind of person that we can have conversation psychologically you know is accepted in my social circle um is it emotionally and all that secure you know to meet my needs but sometimes when you engage in sex first you know before going through all those faiths you are often blocked from seeing the person because a lot of emotions are flying you know when you talk about the ornamental stage a lot of emotions of life and couple that with sex you know a lot of things are going to go wrong basically these are side religious sentiments this is a side being a religious person even because research has even gone to show that people who engage in not having sex before marriage you know have more satisfaction in relationship in their marriages they are less likely to think about divorce you know they have good rapport with their partners well i don't believe in it because my point of view is if you don't test the water how would you know okay i've had situations where people go into marriage without knowing their partner without engaging in pre-marital sex and then they find out that he's a one-minute man then how do you handle that do you now tell them to divorce i've also had situations where people say oh my partner when we were cutting i didn't know that it was important or or he couldn't have had ons until i entered the marriage he deprived me of sex and then a week later i found out that this man was not having hard ons and they're contemplating the voice i feel like if you engage in premarital sex you would know if it's a one minute man or one second man or 30 minutes man and then if he's a once one minute ma you you tell him good my brother we cannot continue like this you know because it's very important it's a it's a lifetime thing so i i mean how do you tell me to go into a relationship or marry somebody without knowing whether this man is good without knowing his full resume no i need to know his full um cv what is there the packaging yeah i get your points i get what you're trying to say even though in if you have to look at it in another way sometimes it's how did you get to know that is good or is not good if you haven't tested it before how would you know it's like you you have been eating your mom's food for all your life that's the best food you have in this life to you if you're being friends that's the best one the only issue comes when you're probably eating a maca food and eating and shitty mass food you know now you start comparing ah no amateur food has more salt i don't like our food you know this one this food is okay ah she knows how to pan the pandan jam very well the only reason you are dead is just because you have tested you have checked this and when you talked about oh what about um meeting a man and he's a one minute man you have things to help him it's only if you're thinking on black and white ah you don't know how to do it then get out but how can you help somebody that do not want to be helped because this is a sensitive topic you meet a man and then you have sex with him or you guys are married and then you have sex the first night and it's not sexually good and then you tell him honey you're not you know can we improve on our sex life he will tell you you're the problem you see just your points are always right you know they they are valid they're valid we should understand you know when when we talked about meeting a partner that is secure that is able to validate your feelings your needs and all that so the partner is grounded in himself it's like you make making mistake about something and you're trying to become better in what you do if your partner that is grounded in who you are oh honey i understand okay what can we do so it's you and your partner against the issue what's the issue sexual and satisfaction so what is the thing that can be done against it there are things to help you so what if this partner is adamant and they don't want to fix the issue that is the beginning in the beginning so if you had said to some of those things in the beginning but how do you certainly if you're not if you don't engage in it because believe it or not in the churches today those topics the topic of sex even when you go through counseling that's one topic counselors or let's say pastors are shy to talk about they don't talk about sex and when you go to the person and say pastor my woman is not satisfying me or my man is not satisfied don't tell you go and pray about it is it that god did not hear you before you married this person or what was the issue why is it that the church does not talk about this why is it that they don't talk about sex well like you said why is it that the church do not do that i don't know there are only reasons a lot of people have reason for doing a lot of things you know sometimes they think they want to shoot people from whatever thing but what i know is what i'm trying to say and what i'm going to say which is when you want to do something aside meeting partner that is good for you that validates your needs right you know you want to start that with a partner like that if the partner is flexible right and you were able to set that precedence from the beginning that this partner is flexible then all these other things usually will fall into place i understand the fact that people will say oh i need to test you know to test the waters i need to know and like i said when you go and buy a car if the car is terrible you don't you pay before you start to use the car isn't it you don't tell them that oh i need to i need to check i need to drive from here to um this location to test if these tires are working why why are you so comfortable in doing that for a car but when it comes to a partner you know you say you want to test outside we know you know the research that say you know there are some people that don't want commitments they just they just want to have sex so they can bring a lot of reasons for wanting to have sex and if and at the end of the day also you know living with religious sentiment there's still research that shows that it helps because if you are connecting with someone you want to know am i moved by this person's you know able to perform than who the person really is so you want to know this person for who the person is or you know it's like um when you are thinking if someone loves you for money or for who you are right so sometimes you see people say oh i don't have to let's not talk about money first you know so that your head can be it's the same thing with sex sex aside procreation sex is also for bonding as couples you know and when you start having sex with someone there are a lot of emotions that go into it okay the reason people don't live some relationship is because they're having sex they find it hard to lead the relationship because it's successful a lot other than sex is good you know when you have sex emotions are tied into it so when you have given so much you try you know to savage it but it's quite easy when you've not really had sex that much you know in a relationship and the person is misbehaving all right it's easy for you to leave that kind of a relationship then when your so much of emotions are in you know you have done a lot of styles and a lot of acrobatic things in your mind so it becomes tricky so is it that oh you should not have or you should have religiously people will say oh don't have but what most times they don't tell you that why you shouldn't have is aside god saying don't have he has a reason which is some of this reason we are saying that's really that um facts and research are showing you know you have to connect with someone emotionally right you know psychologically socially a lot of steps that has to follow before it gets there but if you start with the sex or the physical aspect which is usually the ending because if you look at it before marriage you connect to the person psychologically right socially you know mentally and all that then after my region i dive into physically then you say that one start going but if you start with sex you know it now looks somewhere i personally i think you should be able to have all of those connections and then definitely premarital sex should come in and i mean because you want to know if you're compatible because sexual company you can be physically compatible with somebody but not sexually compatible with somebody you know so you want to make sure the person is checking all of the boxes that's what i personally think because if the person is not checking all of the boxes and then when it's time for you guys to and it's after the wedding it's over both of you are together in the house and you're not sexually compatible i feel like that's a disaster waiting to happen yes you you you say that there are things the people can do things we can do to help with their sexual life but not everyone is open-minded to search some people i i've heard issues um situations or i've read situations online or i've heard from people where their partners are adamant they feel they're not the problem so they're not seeking for solution they feel like they're okay with who they are you know so i feel like sexual compatibility is very very very very important because you're talking about spending a lifetime with this person yes somehow some where you know that might change along the line where you know things might happen maybe health-wise the person might not be able to satisfy you sexually but you know that okay yes this person once upon a time could satisfy me but all of a sudden they're no longer capable then that's when you begin to seek help but not when i don't know if we're sexually compatible and then we go into it and then i marry you and then i find that you have problems and we're not able to fix the problems isn't that why you think the divorce rate in the churches are higher um outside the fact that a lot of people are not vulnerable because like we always say know yourself right just like when i talked about getting an iphone and getting an android you know what you're getting into you know the capacity of the phone you know the ram you know the camera aspects and all that you know you as a person that is going to get married if you have issues you would know if you don't know at least there are tests you would do in the clinic go for those tests check yourself you know just to be sure you can't just assume you are okay you need to be sure you are okay you need to know that you know that you're okay so what you're suggesting is um couples should um check themselves definitely medically before marriage yeah that should that that is that should be a normal thing there are other tests that can be done in those in this area for couples or other partners i think why the issue is that people are not addressing you know is people tend not to be vulnerable enough to open to their spouse you know regarding their sexuality yes you know you know groups you know you're not flexible and you're other man to walk on yourself right so would you advise such couple to get a divorce well if they're not able to fix the problem if because that was usually what will happen if nobody is he encourages them to cheat no israel you just leave it if you are not rather to me in the middle because it seems like someone is not trying to take responsibility because there's no way that the boy of you don't have your hands in it so everyone should take their responsibility and fix the issue for the relationship so it's you your partner for the relationship so what if you now find out that after marriage you're not find out that this person is not good then what would you recommend that they do to help you have um sexual therapists okay you have people that teach and help couples that have sexual issues you can meet them you can sort them out okay it's no longer like before or by the sexuality you have a lot of issues with it now you have people that will teach you and help you to understand because sometimes you know certain people the issues they have with sex is usually from childhood imagine someone that has been raped you know from childhood and that is like a pain point for that person so very sex differently yeah he sees it differently so why the husband is saying oh this person is not good he's not that whereas we know that for you to compare you probably have a picture of something somewhere right so you are not accepting this particular one you awake okay right now if the person is flexible enough that's why i was always advised to be with someone who is not fixed who is flexible okay they are able to meet your needs your basic needs seeing heard love for who you are you know and sometimes the way to help your partner to become better in what you want your partner to do is to first of all accept where they are and understand that it's a journey from there to where they are but the problem is most times in those relationships and those marriages you see uh the partners communicating on hurdling with their partner so you see them criticizing their partner okay um complaining normally completely like criticizing you know um speaking out of contempt you know to their partner and what that does is it dismisses their feelings and it makes them feel they are not love for who they are or they are not seen and they are not heard so basically what you're saying that it's how you communicate very close to your partner communication is very important because everyone wants everyone has the way they want to be communicated to right now if someone's your partner is telling you that this is how they want to be communicated it's advisable to communicate to them in that way so i mean in in such situation how would you communicate that to your partner hey honey you're not good in bed is that the right way to say it or is there a way to say that make it sound right sex you're not you know i noticed you're not good in bed it's okay there's usually a a script you know when tourists complain about something so it goes like you know hide the feeling and the issue okay rather than say you you never satisfied me okay you always don't satisfy me i don't know why and all that disease you say okay babe you know i understand that um probably you know that group with with this or i don't feel satisfied i know that probably mine my libido is higher but i understand that probably your libido is not high so you see what is what i'm saying right now i'm first of all validating that i understand where you are right so babe can we is there can we work on this work on this is this something you think i'm not just i'm not trying to force it on you right because it's a request you're already in it i'm not trying to force it on you is there a way that you know we could work on this you know and look for ways whereby it's a win-win yeah you know i okay okay let's say for example you see people that would say i want it every day uh-huh you know and you see uh um someone that said i know i can't do every day you know okay where can you meet in the media amazon black and white where can we meet in the middle whereby each partner is heard it's love for who they are right they are validated right oh i don't really like says that much yeah i know you don't really like it i know you're not that good at it but is there something you can do right you know to help me also right and if the person is flexible enough to validate your feelings and your needs they will be able to want to savage and help the relationship the issue now comes when they are fixed and they are not even ready to even do anything right and pride and ego comes in right you know oh don't worry other people can do that for me and that's where the issues are coming in or perhaps you could um actually make suggestions to your partners too you could if maybe it's the positioning or the styles that you're not enjoying or they're not flexible in bed you could either you know maybe read books i guess definitely on it or watch movie or or something but you know in our african um culture right you know the way africans think about sex you mention something about seeing a therapist if you and your partner are struggling in that department i don't know if an african person let me just say an african man you know i don't know if an african man would want to go sit in front of a therapist and discuss their business like that yeah i understand that so i mean i mean i don't know i i don't i can't just imagine an african man going to sit in front of a therapist or another person and be discussing their sexual life oh therapist i'm not good in bed what i mean what other solutions what other method or what solutions can you provide besides seeing a therapist yeah the truth is most men basically you know go african and older you know they tend to dismiss and avoid things like that you know because of ego and all that some of the ego through our ego yeah because of that and all that you know they tend to dismiss asides you know most african men can be dismissive and avoidant a lot so they dismiss those kind of things and you wouldn't blame them you know the foundation has a lot of issues most of our homes they didn't talk about sex you know and so if we are able to solve some of these foundational issues right they are they will be able to be free enough to talk about it and be open about it because at the end of the day for the benefit of the relationship right benefit of the marriage that the two couples you know they come together and solve their issues for the marriage and communicate in a better way right and then i also noticed that a lot of african women if you go online you see a lot of women complaining how some of them have never had orgasm and the husband don't sexually satisfy them it's all about the man once it comes and that's it the woman does not have augustine they don't even know what it is some of them result to using sex toys like uh a life coach rightly say benjamin rightly said have conversations sit down with your partner first of all you don't want to be with a partner that you cannot communicate your feelings with so sit with your partner have an honest conversation about this thing because it is very important that both parties are satisfied satisfied about you know how you feel you want to be satisfied he wants to be satisfied both of you should be sexually satisfied it shouldn't be a one-sided thing and as a man you should ask your partner you should ask a woman how would you like it how do you like to be touched how where do you want me to touch you what makes you come what you know what gives you that pleasure and then explore each other's bodies too make sure you explore each other's bodies read books together on sex you know talk about it have conversations i still believe that you should have sex before marriage but if you're against opinion then make sure you do your own work talk about those things before marriage don't wait until after marriage even when you go for counseling make sure both of you sit down and have this conversation because at the end of the day it's between both of you it takes two to make it work thank you again for joining today's episode i hope you enjoyed it until next time you have a great day you
2022-09-21 03:31
