LT SUB | I may die this year - I keep saying goodbye to people just in case | JOHN CLEESE
[Music] [Music] and if you make your own way [Music] and now i'm gonna switch to english because i am incredibly excited to welcome the next guest that we have that was a small dream of us and of all of us to have him here on stage in our show and here he is ladies and gentlemen please welcome the one and only john cleese where you want me to [ __ ] yeah okay please take a seat thank you [Applause] oh wow a standing motivation you you still haven't said a word and we have a standing ovation i like it yeah that's lithuania for you okay where is uh what is some tea on those trays if you want because this is my favorite joke of all the faulty towers really yeah actually uh what is the difference of your shows john in very in different cultures how which of your shows like monty python or or faulty towers are perceived in different cultures and why how do you see the difference well it's very very different i mean in america everybody knows me for monty python and very few people have seen faulty tars how come well it was only ever um put out on the pbs on the public service broadcasting uh and that is only watched by two percent of the population uh fortunately the the two percent of the most educated um americans uh not many of them and uh they love the show but most people don't know me for it don't know it so don't know me from it at all but they all know me from monty python if i go to europe now everybody knows me much better from 40 stars and here i think you don't really know monty python do you we know oh we know monty python of course okay who doesn't who knows monty python where where have they seen it is it in the cinema or on television or what everywhere really maybe they download it from the internet oh probably yeah yeah so people on the whole know marty python here yeah of course i was told they wouldn't but let me tell you a short story about faulty towers here in lithuania the year is 1994. it's not a good year here uh early independence no money bad times bad bad situation with criminals not a lot of television going on all right and then on baltic tv it's not the biggest channel faulty towers is being started to broadcast for whatever reason i don't know why at it because 1994 1994 i think yeah 1994 because we finished making it in uh 1979. it's actually well you know living under the iron curtain it's kind of difficult to get good british shows uh bad british shows as well yes so it became a cult it's for real i mean everyone was quoting the the faulty towers and i was still amazed by the cultural impact that it had and actually it was very well uh translated and and dubbed the lithuanian oh good good why is that good well it's good because so many people love watching it but there is a language problem a lot of the time you know i mean some parts of europe speak very very good english i mean the the best people in europe for english are the danes and the dutch but the swedes the norwegians speak a lot the germans speak quite a lot over the uh but if you go down to spain uh nobody has ever heard of faulty towers although i tell you it did go out briefly um it was uh broadcast from barcelona and after they'd had about three shows broadcast it disappeared from the television because that was where basil um manuel was from right yeah from barcelona you see and then it reappeared several weeks later by which time manuel had become portuguese oh he didn't love the fact that he was from spain no no they had to change that oh wow uh but uh i remember quite recently the uh old aunt of the bbc uh decided to pull one of the episodes oh the the um this business of what i call walkery you know this super sensitivity now this has become very very powerful um particularly in america and uh it's having a very bad effect on creativity you i see you've got my little book there i wrote exactly yes i wrote a little book on creativity because when i got uh into this show business i had no idea really that i had been creative until i got to cambridge i mean i was 21 before i realized i had any creative ability at all and so um as i realized that i could write funny stuff that would make people laugh um i began to um study my own creativity and i put the lessons in that little book but um just just said john why is it so little i mean isn't it all the creativity lessons you need or you didn't have time exactly okay because it's usually these books are usually written by psychologists and they will put in a lot of information that is interesting but not useful they will tell you that you're more likely to be creative if you traveled a lot when you were young where you say um you can't do much about that unless you can move backwards in time so this little book deliberately leaves that information out there's a famous um story in the english-speaking countries that mark twain the american humorist he once wrote at the end of a long letter he wrote i'm sorry this is such a long letter i didn't have time to write a shorter you see because if you really think about what you're doing you can usually boil it right down and that's the point in that little book that can be read in under an hour and it tells you all you need to know about how to become creative that's a good pitch yeah yeah for for the people who never have time it's a good thing it's because people people think that you're either born creative or you're not and it really isn't true everybody can be creative in the sense that everybody can learn how to have better ideas and it might be small scale like you might become better at flower arranging do you see what i mean or you might be able to write offers but the principles are saying you can learn how to have better ideas okay uh let's get back to that episode the germans just let's uh let's watch a little bit i think which the one is most controversial and the one that i love with all my heart i'm sorry about that leave her alone no this is a street i mean i've never seen anyone not laughing look she'll love it she's german oh [Applause] john you were laughing at this one you can still laugh watching yourself well i haven't i don't sit around watching my old programs i'm sure you're not the only time i ever see them is when i come on television to do interviews and they show me old bits but i haven't seen that for 20 years it's very good it's really good yeah very good but that's not the reason it was cancelled oh no oh no no that was fine and that's the interesting thing you see about this business where people get cancelled and where people get very very sensitive about certain kinds of humor is no german has ever complained about that show in fact we met we were going to make a series of 40 towers in german can you believe that and when i went to cologne to make it the very first thing we did was we all sat down and watched that episode just to test the water yes to test the water i don't know i think they were just showing that they thought it was funny too after all they don't identify with that guy with the moustache anymore okay that was a bit of history that was yeah and basically that was the fun out of the basil not the german tourists well that's right well that's right but now you don't get complaints like that but i i have a routine in which in my show which i tell jokes about swedes and norwegians and italians and french and germans and americans and australians and british and then i say i'm going to tell a mexican joke and the whole audience goes you know and it's because i think it's a bit condescending but it's rather as though you're saying it's all right to tell jokes about germans and the dutch and so forth but you mustn't tell jokes about mexicans because they're so weak and pathetic and unable to take a joke and it strikes me as being rather um insulting i lived in santa barbara and california for uh 10 years and i worked a lot with with mexicans and they're a lovely bunch they're very friendly they're very warm they work very very hard they're just nice to be around they can take a joke everybody can take a joke why are other people trying to protect them because they don't think they're strong enough it's just don't mention the war okay uh i'm looking very much towards uh tomorrow's show what we'll have in vilnius what's a funny show we made the northern swedes laughs and that's not easy exactly that's one very important reason it's a funny show the next very important reason is that mr cleve needs money i need money very badly because i i it's true i was married to which which marriage are you talking about i was married to a woman when we got desire uh when we got divorced i had to pay her 20 million dollars i like this guy here he's going what what only 20 million my californian lawyer said that i got off lightly and i said what do you mean lightly 20 but he said how much money did he get he said think how much more you would have had to pay her if she had contributed anything to the relationship so that was one of your marriages one just one i'm now on number four well i married three i married three americans how do you like number four the the three that i married first were all american so i thought after the third i think i better try something else you know sure but the money still keeps flowing towards the third well it's a let's say when you um when you have to pay someone 20 million dollars and you never had any children you know this is californian law um it it does sort of make a hole in your savings indeed it does so well i'm happy that we'll be able to contribute at least a small part that would be nice what did they pay to see the show here tonight these guys tonight yes 15.
really yeah oh good thank you thank you but this money goes to us what this money goes to us what tomorrow the money they pay it's like 50 or 60 goes to you or to your first wife there's nothing for me for tonight unfortunately not okay [Applause] some tea maybe some tea please maybe some tea some tea uh good laughs uh some silly walks silly walks yeah do you know how old i am well i have artificial hips in both sides i have an artificial knee and you want me to do a silly walk this is the silliest walk i can do you know john i think um i think uh you are pretending a little bit because you are doing the show called last time to see me before i die uh-huh okay that's very fair that's very cheeky very fair very fair sasquita issue [Music] is because i could die at any moment soon i mean i'm very very very old i'm 83. no i forget how old i am that's the trouble when you get very old but my point is john my point is you have been touring with this show since 2013 like for now four years is going to die i was i wasn't lying i really thought i was going to die all these nine years it was all these nine years okay and i may die this year but it's hard to tell when you're my age i keep saying goodbye to people just in case technically you're not lying to us no no no i'm not lying i mean there's many advantages to getting very very old i mean one advantage is that you um oh you forget things that's right and that's very good because your mind is less cluttered you see and then you go deaf and that's lovely because what most people have to say to you isn't worth hearing anyway uh then your as i say your memory goes if you have alzheimer's but that's quite nice because it means that you're always meeting new people and there's no repeats on television and if you've really got alzheimer's you can hide your own easter eggs so many advantages you are you have me sold what was the funniest question that you ever got from the audience the funniest question i got is was in oslo and um a nice young man he's in his thirties dark hair stood up over there and he said mr please may i ask you a a serious question and i said yes he said if you had to choose to be a component part of an aircraft what component part of an aircraft would you choose to me wow that's like it's a deep that's a very deep question and i was laughing so much i had time to think so in the end i in the end i said well the joystick of course you but the the most frightening question i ever asked was in florida and a very smartly dressed woman got up in the tenth row and said uh i have to ask you a serious question again everybody started every serious question that's a good thing and she said did the queen kill diana because you are of age where you should have been there well i thought it was i mean the whole audience froze you could could hear a pin drop you know viv anticipation i had i had time to think i said well certainly not with her bare hands but what what amused me was why did she think that i knew because i'm british you think all the british know whether the queen was no you were a henchman for james bond oh yes so that's why that's right that's right that's like an obvious answer through the james bond if you are on james with james bond so you have to know and basically you didn't deny when you said not with bare hands so you assumed that queen might have something to do just not with her but i was also looking forward to reading every tweet uh recently from you uh complaining about uh your swedish trip well only only the elite hotels which were truly terrible i mean when you go to lulea or even ume it's pretty cold you know and the first thing is that the radiators aren't on you see you say can we put the radiators on they say no we don't control the radiators yeah you said what do you mean you don't control the radio well no the radiators are controlled by the entire town so until the town decides to turn the radiators on they can't be warm what same story here are you serious no he's not no he's not stopped slandering our nice town we are the best he's a troublemaker he is oh yes he is i don't know what he's doing here so uh so it was very funny so they brought a heater to my room you know and i sort of sat by the heater for five minutes and then the lights fused and somebody said to me the next day you'll be able to see the northern lights today and i said i really hope they don't fuse [Applause] but john don't think about this kind of karma karma karma for you could be yeah yes after being here one thing's for sure and that is i'm going to die yeah yeah but after being such a nasty hotel owner yes for two seasons yes now you get the payback that's only explanation punishing me is it the swedish saw the show and said okay let's show him how the hotel should be run that nasty basil faulty i've been in uh doing shows in norway a lot and the purpose of norwegian shows is to toughen up the southerners do you see what i mean you see everything's everything's a bit um cold and a bit rough and you're not very well looked after and it's to toughen you up because if you live in the south you'd be living in you get very soft you know the rooms are quite warm you know and the food is edible um what what else you need this right this is a chance to toughen up and become a bit more of a man go and stay in the norwegian hotel but if you want good laughs then go and stay in a northern swedish hotel because it's hilarious how little they do you know what i mean i thought if there was a service charge then i should get paid by it you should you said but they they're absolutely charming it's just that the elite chain like a lot of chains in america is about a simple simple business proposition which we charge you as much as we can for as little as we can get away with that's the best business hotels everywhere particularly well the towers was run by the same principle so please so all sorts of strange things happen i was in uh in uh sacramento in california and this is a true story um i thought tomorrow morning i'm gonna have breakfast in my room and lots and lots of people will be trying to get breakfast in the room so the previous evening i rang them up and i had opened up my computer and i found some regis hotel in sacramento and the breakfast menu and there was truffled frittata and i love the taste of truffles so i rang them up at 8 30 the previous evening and i said tomorrow morning at 8 30 i would like truffle frittata and they said certainly then at 8 20 i was in the shower and the phone rings and i pick it up and they said you ordered truffle frittata i said yes they said we don't make it i said but it's it's on your menu and they said no it isn't so when i got out of the shower i looked at the menu and there it was truffle frittatas i rang them up and said it is on your menu you know and they said oh that's not our website i said what do you mean that's not your website they say that's a third party restaurant we're not responsible but i said it says the syrigius hotel breakfast menu surely nate so it's nothing to do with us we don't make frosted truffle frittata and i said all right i'll have scrambled leg eggs so 20 20 minutes later they bring the scrambled eggs and i sit down i open up to sign the bill and they've charged me for truffle free target [Applause] john [Applause] karma what karma what bad luck let's wrap it up with some some thoughts on what uh how do you see the humor with the difference in and humor in uh 25th century after the your uh monty python after the faulty towers how do you see humor right now do you have any favorite series any favorites shows any favorite comedians do you like i have a few favorite comedians but the young comedians i like it like eddie izzard yeah there are about 50. uh he's not that young anymore but still would you look when are you very very old oh yes i don't watch much television now i watch sport because i'm a sports nut now i watch football and qriket and tennis and all these games but i don't particularly need entertaining in the evening because i have my friends and i have my books so why do i switch on something i i i don't need to at this point so i'm very out of touch but what i've noticed is that the standard of writing not of performing but the standard of writing seems to me to have gone down a lot in the last few years why is that i think it's because people become famous too quickly in the old days people would spend 10 15 years writing to get into the business and they would develop all the skills of writing but the trouble is now if you make one special that's very good straight away because your material is fresh because you nobody's seen you before then immediately you get given six shows and you don't have the skills to write for a large amount of material so i think that's it but there are some very very good shows on american television okay but they have to ask you told you said football so what club do you support i support bristol city bristol city yes the mighty second league if i'm not mistaken what the mighty second league league is that's the championship when i was a boy i used to go and watch them play and that was 1955 and i still support them i don't know why but i first thing i do is to look at that and then the cricket i look to see how much my county somerset has done but i find as i really enjoy watching sports and i used to play a lot of sports and then this this knee went so i had to stop doing that but i think sport is great yes and you how are you doing in the in the basketball great yes great thank you for asking how are we doing in the basketball you feel very very good about us we are very good we are the champions of the world if you tell us to the people tomorrow you have to admit you're terrible at cricket what's cricket okay uh well unfortunately your this tour last last time to see me before i die eventually will come to an end unfortunately yeah what do you think what the epitaph would be best to be put on your grave that's a very light question to close up i think i would uh i think i would put up um the words i'm not really dead spamalot i think that i think that would make make people very anxious you know they'd be lucky and they'd say i'm not really dead and that there are some very favorite ones there was a famous american comedian called wc fields and on his gravestone it says better here than philadelphia and spike milligan on his his gravestone says i told you i wasn't well that's a good company of good uh episodes it is it is and billy connolly told me you know billy colony no oh it's a scholarship but there scottish comic he told me he's gonna have is his gravestone he's gonna have the words very very small so that people can't read them properly and they have to get up onto the grave to read them and it says whoops you're standing on my balls amazing ladies and gentlemen we have john cleese tonight thank you very much for coming [Applause] i can do it i can do it yeah one two three thank you thank you john please once again punisher bonney [Applause] [Music] you
2022-09-18 05:15
