The Truth About My Mental Health | Stef Sanjati [CC]
Hello little buns it is Stef welcome, back to my home if, you don't know me my name is Stefan Yanni I post videos every. Monday, Wednesday Friday, and, if you would like to join me I would love it if you just subscribe, and hit the bell thing so that you'll know when I upload because, I'm saying that now and I think it's responsible in release my ex I think. This video is serious, in subject matter but I'm gonna do my best to keep it light-hearted because, ultimately it's a good thing this is really, important to me so if you can do your best to sit through the whole video I would love that because this really is all about the future, of us if you're a viewer of mine for a long time this is really about where I want to take you in the future and I also wanted, to spell a lot of the concerns. And the speculation, about my mental health that I've been seeing because a lot of it is very inaccurate. And I want to paint you a full picture of where I'm at as a person, and I think I, think, I know how to do that so I'd love for you to hear me out let's talk let's talk about that so there has been a lot of speculation like, I said about my mental health because, I used, to post videos that and I'm quoting a comment paraphrasing, kind of I used to make videos that were hard, to watch and sad because I was in a sad place and I was sharing that and then I left for four weeks and came back and suddenly everything, was happy and bright cheery and that made a lot of people worried because and, I understand why it looks like I went from miserable. To happy overnight and I know that. That's just kind of the interpretation. At face value and, I don't blame anybody for interpreting, it that way but those, four weeks in the middle so, much happened, and I know people tend to it's, not that they consciously, think this it's just an understanding, of their mind because they don't see what goes on when I'm not on a video but, I understand, that a lot of people almost, see me like a TV character they don't mean to but they do where, my arc is written to, be shown so people expect to know when I'm changing they expect me to share it with them as if I'm writing, it for them but that's not that's, not real life and that's not how this works and I know that nobody consciously, thinks that but I think generally, that's how people tend to view creators. And I don't blame anybody for that but. That's not real if I did not disappear in four weeks if I did not pull back and not show you what I was experiencing, I could, not have healed consider, it the way you'd consider rehab except, instead of going to rehab I just, removed, myself from all digital, influence I I removed, CEL from twitter i barely. Was on instagram i just, separated myself from everything, so that I could really reflect, inwards and look at my life and look at the choices that I've been making and look at where I wanted to go and what future I wanted and I could not have done that if I hadn't removed myself from the internet so I understand, the sentiment of wanting to keep up with me but if I hadn't stopped letting, you in I could, not have healed myself and that's not anybody's fault it's just what I had to do for the first time in literally years I opened my mind to things and it felt like before I knew it all it was very easy to feel like I was in control and I knew everything I knew what the world issues were I knew what the social issues where I knew who was to blame and who had to be punished and I knew all of this. But, I was wrong, because. My entire worldview was tinted by pain, and rejection, and fear and it's, not that I was wrong factually, I'm not saying I'm, backpedaling. On all of my opinions because that's not happening what I'm saying is the way I wanted to heal the world was, not effective, for me to do in that way what I was doing was, not healthy for me and it wasn't helping anything I thought I was being smart and responsible, but I was being self-destructive, and, I was hurting. People in my opinion that's what I was doing in hindsight, it feels like and people aren't conscious that this is hurting me they don't do it in a place of malice they don't do it because they love to see me hurt but, it feels like all of my content, and what people wanted and expected from me was for. Me to bleed for their amusement or for their causes like a martyr like it felt like I was murdering. Myself, effectively. What I was doing was harming, myself because, I felt I had to or it was my duty I was torturing, myself psychologically because. I thought that was being responsible, and it wasn't every, part of me wants to heal and soothe, the world or the people near me or whatever it is I want to fix things I want to calm things I want to soothe things and, the reason I took on so much negative emotion so much fear pain, anxiety.
And An, anger. Was because I thought if I took it I could heal other people but all I was doing was replicating. The behavior I wasn't taking any pain from people I was just also being, in pain it, wasn't helping anybody it was not an effective way for me to contribute, to, solving problems one specific, comment I saw said I was the out of character and I want to unpack that the reality, is and I do not mean this in a sassy, or in a snippy, way but you don't know who I am and, I want you to but the problem, is is that I have been becoming. What people, wanted me to become I was shaping, myself, based on feedback, from viewers and that is so. Damaging. Because I didn't, understand I was doing it I thought I was just becoming a person that people liked but I was becoming a person that hated themselves and that is so bad I don't, have to tell you that's bad I became the person I thought you needed and I was, in pain and I was angry and I was lonely. But those are not personality. Traits that's not who I am it's. Not who I was so I want to tell you who I am and while I'm telling you who I am I want you to think about who you are at your core because I know a lot of you a lot of my regular viewers I think we're in a place just like I was a month or two or you know for the past year and a half I think a lot of you are in that place and I didn't know I was in that place so I just want you to listen and think, about yourself and I want you to think about who you are at your core what are your core, personality traits, not, emotions, but your values, and and what, makes you happy and what you want to share with people all right I'm, gonna tell you mine and I want you to think about yours and then I want you to leave a comment or even just write it down for yourself I want you to write it down though if you can who, argue really, think about it I am loud I'm, half deaf literally deaf in one ear so I don't really know how loud I'm being sometimes sometimes, I think I'm whispering but I'm speaking at a volume where people can hear me in another room it's, just the way I am and I don't dislike it I think. It's kind of endearing I'm. Loud I'm sarcastic, and sometimes it's to my detriment because I tend to take, problems, that are thrown at me and warp. Them into a joke to lighten the blow that's how I heal, it right when I'm encountering pain, I like to change it into something funny and that's a defense, mechanism but sometimes it pisses people off I'm distracted. I become, very distracted, I like shiny things and I like not shiny objects, not materialistic, but like exciting. Things, and experiences, they become very like focused, on one and then another and then another very quickly also, I've just realized there's a giant smudge on my lens but you know what it adds character you're going to deal with that distracted. I'm very clumsy I knock, things over constantly I attribute, this to my hearing and how, it affects my balance I knock things over every day I break things every day I'm just kind of I used, to say I want you to think, about this I used, to say I was destructive. Now. I say I'm clumsy and those, have very different connotations, and when it's, you don't really think about it when you're saying it but every time I called myself destructive, I was, reinforcing, a negative belief about myself and I think we do not so much with so many things so no I'm not destructive, I'm clumsy, I really, value movement. And adventure. And memories, I want. To be wealthy, and memories for a very long time I filled a void with materialistic, things so. Much clothing so many pretty things in my home I made everything pretty, I just loved it but I felt, horrible. I felt so ugly I honestly, felt ugly not, anymore I'll get on that later maybe but my life was just dark. And now I, know what I value I know it brings me happiness and it's not things, it's experiences. It's memories it's adventure, and, it's movement, it's engaging, with my life, and that brings me so much joy but I think my three core. Core. Traits are, before. I say this I guess some. People might interpret this as narcissistic, and, I'm saying oh I'm these positive, things but I think we should do that more often, I think people should stop being ashamed of being, happy with themselves we're, proud of themselves or, genuinely. Enjoying. Who, they are as people I think, we should enjoy who we are as people and if we don't there's something wrong there's. Something hurting us there's something weighing us down so I don't want you to view it in that lens I want you to view it as a factual report, of who you are not a tinted report this is core, traits not, emotions, so I think my core traits and I, completely, ignored them for so long I thought they were weak I thought, they were liabilities.
And I rejected, the most natural, thing about me which, were how nurturing I am how much I care, about people I want to care for them like, a parent, but not really parental and my, affectionate, nature, I'm very unlike, a cat that wants to rub itself on you you know what I mean that makes me so happy but, for a long time I was like no you have to be independent and you have to be cold, and reject, but really I was just replicating, the behavior that was put on me by other people other people were cold rejecting, unkind, and cynical, to me so I became those things that's not who I am at all nothing. Makes me warmer. Inside and happier than taking, care of somebody cooking, for somebody cleaning for somebody making them feel good that. Makes me so happy and I, might, not take the best care of myself, but I know I take really good care of other people and as far as affection, goes it's not doesn't have to be even sexual, or romantic but, just being close to people that I care about my. Love language is physical, I like showing people through. My hands, or through, doing, things for them that, I care for them that is how I communicate and, to stifle that and suffocate. It because I thought, I don't know it was weak was, very damaging, because, that really is a core, part of me I am not changing a lot of people think oh this is a new step this is a different, stuff no absolutely, not I have always been this person and if you look back at my earliest videos, especially the ones where I had purplish, hair I think. I exemplified. These traits even if they were hidden underneath of a bit of physical discomfort I wasn't very happy with myself physically, but I was hopeful and I was all of these things and somewhere, along the line I replaced, all of these traits with, dark, negative. Things because I took them on as a way to heal other people but I didn't help anybody especially. Other people and especially not myself I thought I was the only one that could take those things on and here's the thing that is absolutely false if I don't do it other people will other people have been they're not gonna suddenly stop, just because I stopped the hardest.
Thing For me to come to terms with was, the fact that I am NOT an activist, because I had a misunderstanding. Of what being, an activist, was because, it was given to me the, title was thrown at me it was given to me because I'm a marginalized, person that talked about their experiences I was given the title and the role of activist. Never asked for it and it never was natural to me that's not healthy. For me that lifestyle doesn't work for me but I did it because I thought it was my duty and it isn't being a marginalized person, does not immediately make you an activist, and just because you share your experience does, not mean you have to take on the fight at, the frontline that's not for everybody not everybody's capable, of that and I will do what, is natural, to me to make change in the world but I will not do what, harms, me psychologically. On a deep, level to, solve problems, I will do it in a way that makes sense to me that, is natural to me and therefore way more effective the way I see the future is so bright and I know how. To fix things I know how to heal things I know how to make people feel better and it's not the way I was doing things before I was diagnosed, with post-traumatic stress disorder, as a result. Of the things I went through in my home town and I, will actually link a video in a card and in the description box to where I talk about that experience in, detail. It's like a 30-minute video it's very full and very informative and that, informed. Everything about me and what I realized. That, was really, hard to swallow was that by being, an activist, or doing my best to be aware of absolutely. Every horrific problem, at once I I thought I had to have all of it on my plate and I had to know everything that was happening because it felt like it was the responsible, thing to do to know every, bad thing that was happening so I could fix it all I was doing was triggering, myself into PTSD. Symptoms. Constantly. For, years I did. That to myself for years I was harming, myself psychologically. And and, I don't want you to like take this with a grain of salt because this analogy is not a one-to-one, but, soldiers that come back from war with PTSD do, not sit there and watch all the coverage, on all the wars that they were fighting they don't sit there and look at war movies constantly, they don't remind, themselves of, the darkest, things that happen to them because it's destructive, and it puts them in a place where, they're a danger, to themselves why. Was I doing that to myself with things that were triggering my PTSD, symptoms why it was horrible, it was the worst thing I ever did and I did it for so long this was the core of every problem in my life was that I was reading. Myself I was being the wound open it never healed I was ripping it open every, day that, was destructive, so I cannot, provide that role anymore but I know what I can provide and others will provide what I provided for you before and and some of you came to me for positivity, and, I think over time you've. You've changed with me, you've become darker, with me and I don't want to be responsible. For other people, and during darker places I want to be responsible for hope and laughter I want that to be my message not. Fear not. Loneliness, not. Sadness not, rejection I want to live how most people get to for happiness and that does not mean living in luxury on yachts with fancy things because quite frankly I'm making, less now that I have in four years since I started full-time, on YouTube less, than I ever have and I'm in debt, but. I'm okay with it because I'm so happy and I know how to fix it and I have a vision for how to fix it it doesn't stress me out because I know it's going to be okay because for the first time in years. My, mind is peaceful it's quiet in there it's then it's relaxed. My brain is not on fire anymore I feel like what I was doing before, was, I was in this fight with this grizzly bear every day for years that I just had to keep fighting the grizzly bear and it never relented, and then one day the grizzly bear got.
Me It pushed me into the mud and I was laying in the mud and I was wounded and I was dying and then the grizzly bear left and there was nobody around and, suddenly, I realized, that wasn't my grizzly bear and what I'd been doing was, after I beat my grizzly bear I kept on finding grizzly, bears I sought, them out and I punched them and they would attack me because I'm punching a grizzly bear I'm poking a bear but instead of it being a bear I'm poking at, my PTSD every, day I'm just like whoa you got to stay active you got to stay awake so when I was laying in the mud and there was no grizzly bear around that was when I was at a low point and I decided to distance myself I didn't even decide it consciously I just stopped doing things I stopped going online and suddenly, I was okay I got to sit there and think what, is my life right now what. Are my choices ahead what, future do I want to live I imagined, what future I wanted to live and I said okay I can do that and for the first time in a long time I could see a future because. When I was in that fog it was like there was no future it just stopped I wasn't even thinking about the present, I was just stuck in the path constantly, I was stuck in that fear and that rejection and that loneliness I was not moving forward I was staying still for years even if my numbers, were growing as a person. I was preventing, myself from growing in every single way I will continue to, dismantle oppressive. Systems when I encounter, them when, they when when it's something that I can do but I will not throw myself at, grizzly bears just to be a martyr because, that's not good for anybody and. I'm no good to anybody dead I want to read you a little story I wrote. Because. Really this entire conversation comes. From an essay that I wrote to myself when I was reflecting when I was in that place and I want to read you a part that I wrote about, I don't know how to describe it I just have to read it let me paint you a picture after. That grizzly bear left and I laid in the mud having my revelations, about what I'd been doing I peel myself off the mud and walk out of the woods into a beautiful, valley of waterfalls, and flowers where the breeze tastes like the concept of sweetness, I stop there and I stay there I sleep in a soft bed of grass and smell the beauty around me for as long as I need to to call my mind I let, the nature heal me I listen to myself and my thoughts and my worries and concerns and, I soothed them the people that pass through the valley of flowers teach, me things and I teach them things and we both part feeling more full in our hearts and after, four weeks of absolute peace I'm ready, to leave that valley again I walk into a town no, specific, town was just pretending Internet is a town okay I see an old friend and I approach them showing them the beautiful bouquet, of flowers, I picked from the valley showing, them how beautiful I feel with my movement and my action and that old friend looks at me in horror, completely.
Ignores The flowers that I brought for them and they tell me I'm a danger, to myself because, I'm too animated I'm too excited and too good and I'm not what they remember. How. Would that make you feel you. Know if you leave and you go to a place that just heals you fully and you feel like I can go forward now I can have a future and then you go back to where you came from and some, people are happy for you but it's hard to not get caught up on the negative reactions, because, you really want them to understand, I'm better now I'm good look, how good I am I'm happy look how capable I am and. All they can see is, who. You were before and, they want it back and you. Know that, was the worst place you've ever been and that's why. I've been kind of frustrated. With, mentors that, speculate, that I'm unstable right now numerically. It's not overwhelming like that reaction but, I see it and I internalize, it because again, I want to heal them I want to help them understand I'm good now you can also feel this way I want them to feel this way and I think that is what I'm capable of doing in the future I want people to feel this and I think I can help them do that just like I could make them feel fear and sadness and, dread before now, I can make them feel hopeful, and beautiful. And good. I'm gonna wrap, up this reading thing to translate the analogy, starting with, laying in the mud I wanted to die I was alone and lost and I realized I was doing it to myself out, of a sense of duty that I'd never asked for or volunteered, for I stopped, took a step back allowed, myself to rediscover, who I really was and shed all of the weight I was carrying and I was excited to come back with light-hearted videos and I still AM and while the response has been largely positive and excited there is a vocal and condescending, narrative, being spread about my mental health and stability when for the first time in years my mind is crystal clear so that's. How I feel all I'm asking for is the benefit of the doubt and the trust that I know my mind and I know what, I'm feeling and I know my history and, I know I Know Who I am and I know what's happening and I just want you to believe that and treat me with that respect this is me embracing, myself. And what makes me happy and chasing, that it is so, important. For marginalized. People to see that they can live a healthy functional. Happy life and that is what I can provide from now on that is what I want to provide from now on I want to be that example of. A happy person because, what I was being before, as an example was, not helpful or healthy or good I am the strongest and, the happiest, and the healthiest, that I have been in years, and I know now that I want to spread hope and laughter right not fear and loneliness and Hank and I will still talk about being trans when it's relevant or when it comes up or what I want to but I will not rip open my wound every single day because. People want me to I won't do that I can't I can't. It was killing me I love you, sincerely.
And That is why what, I was doing before was so hurtful, because it was dangerously, sincere, but I'm still very sincere, about what I'm bringing to the table now and I'm more excited about it than I do want to talk about the future of my content and I think it's been a bit of a misunderstanding about what the atomists, is and a lot of you probably don't know what the autumn is is at all but there is a patreon, link in the description box that you can check out if you're interested basically. What it means is I'm going to be posting three videos a week and I'm going to be traveling all over the world experiencing. Things and sharing that with you but I will still talk about all of the same issues I'm just gonna do it in a way that's constructive, and healthy for me so you can still learn about all these problems and you can still learn about who you are and, like develop, your character as I develop mine and all of that is still, going to happen it's just gonna be a much better way and a much better quality, of everything, everything, moving, forward will be better coming, from me I do value. And, love and cherish and need your support but if you don't want to support me anymore that's okay that's alright I release you like you can unsubscribe it's okay but I really hope you stick around and, you reflect, on what I'm bringing to you from now on because, I think it would be really good for for, everybody I think it's good for everybody to see past the surface of what I'm doing and to internalize, what I'm trying to show you as an example so I will see you in that content in the future and I will post a video very soon defining, what the out of as' is and what I'm doing but what you really need to understand is I'm doing travel content but I'm making it personal about, us about emotion, about growth about learning. It's not about going to cool places and taking cool videos it's about people, and about how beautiful they are and about how, happy we can be this has been a long one thank you so much for watching this entire video if you did please let me know if you did it because props, like kudos, you know what I mean if this resonated, with you on any level I encourage you to share it because I think what. I've been saying can be helpful to people of all backgrounds not just youtubers, or viewers, I think people need to hear sometimes, the behaviors you think are responsible are destructive, for yourself their, self harm and I really want people to reflect on what they're inviting into their life on every level I will see you again soon I love you and I'm so excited for, our future okay, and I will see you there bye.