These Jokes Will Make Sense When You're Older. Greg Vaccariello - Full Special
Great to be here, folks. I mean that. Let me tell you something I drove in last night from Vegas about five hours. Man, I got out of that car at the hotel, everything hurt. My back, my knee, my neck. And I know what the problem is.
I realize, I'm getting older. I'm getting older. I turned 40.
(audience laughing) Wow, that was mean, you guys are right on that. Oh, you're 40, hm, hm. All right, take it easy. I don't mind getting any older. I really don't.
Some drawbacks. So like when I was a young buck, I remember. I want to feel a little frisky, at my age now, I'd just rather have a sandwich.
(audience laughing) So the old guys, are you getting that joke? Some of you guys have no idea what I'm talking about. All right. Hey, are there any men here at least 40 years old in the crowd? Any men at least 40? Two guys, wow.
Couple of you guys don't look good. Just two guys. Rest of the men under 40. Really? That's it? Just those two guys, buddy? (audience laughing) I'm right here, guys. I can see you.
(audience laughing) You're not at home watching this on TV. (audience laughing) What's the matter? Couldn't hear me? Trouble hearing? Hi, how are you doing, brother? (audience laughing) Any young guys? Any young punks, like in your 20s? Where are my young punks? Be proud, young punks. Where are you? Come on, really? You're all thirty-- there we go, there's a couple of punks. Good for you.
This is a really young punk over here, how old are you, punk on my left? - 20. - 20. And this punk over here? - 20. - 20. You're both 20? Oh my God. Put you together, you're not even my age.
Oh my. Don't you just want to hit them, guys? You just want to-- 20 years old, what a great age. Oh my gosh. You guys are too young to even know what a skin tag is, right? You don't even know what a skin tag-- (audience laughing) Look, you see? I knew.
Look, he's laughing. He knows what a skin tag is. (audience laughing) You'll know. You're halfway there. 20 years.
You'll get to 40, 20 plus 20 equals 40, you know that right? That's math. I did it in my head. You guys are millennials. You can ask Siri after the show. And she'll verify that. 20 plus 20 equals 40.
You're going to get a skin tag one day, boys. Don't let it throw you, I warned you, I told you all about it. You'll wake up one morning (yawning) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) What do you think I'm growing a person off my arm. (audience laughing) Don't let it bother you, fellas. It's just a skin tag. (audience laughing) Who's the lovely young lady that's sitting between both of you guys? - It's my brother and my boyfriend.
- Oh, I'll just call you punkette. That was too complicated to figure out, punks and punkette. I know what's going on over here. I'm going to-- something to-- just move on.
OK. Celebrated my 10th anniversary this past summer, folks. (audience cheering) My wife-- thank you both of you. Rest of you, you're like, whatever, we don't care.
(audience laughing) Melissa and I married 10 years. Now when I had first met my wife, Melissa, she had two kids. Well, she still has them. I said that wrong. (audience laughing) We got them, they're back at the house, we got them, they're fine. But I realized something when I was dating her, folks.
A lot of men do not like dating or marrying women with kids. I recommend it. There's always a good snack in the house. (audience laughing) She'll put those brats to bed, I'm in the kitchen with a Twizzler and a Juju juice. I'm like, this house rocks.
(audience laughing) When Melissa and I first got married, there was a lot of tension between myself and the kids. You can understand that, right? You can understand it, makes sense. I understand.
They were at very awkward ages, and we've got one of each. When Melissa and I got married, let's see, Jason was 9, and Satan was 13, so-- (audience laughing) Loosen up. That's a good joke.
I'm telling you right now. (audience laughing) Folks, that teenage daughter phase should be outlawed. It's inhumane, it is not fair. I don't know if anybody's ever raised one of them or been one of them, but what does this mean? Does anybody know? (audience laughing) What are you having a stroke? "OK, like, so like, you're not "my real dad." (audience laughing) I know. I have a job.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding) Things are much better now. The kids are older. We get along great. I love them to death.
But one thing I've found that's very interesting, and I talk to parents after shows all the time that tell me the same thing about their kids. My two stepkids, Jason and Satan, have nothing in common. Like you would never know they were brother or sister. They're nothing at all alike.
And I don't want to pick on Satan too much tonight because it's really easy. But I always tell that Jason, the younger guy, is really, really smart. I mean, he's super smart.
You can figure Satan out for yourself. Jason's really, really-- he's immensely smart, you know what I mean. And he's into technology, which is bad for me, because I'm horrible at technology. I can't relate to the kid on it. I'm bad with technology, anything to do-- I get that from my mom, folks. My mom hates technology, hates anything new.
Folks, my mom had a rotary phone hanging on the kitchen wall until about four months ago. You punks know what a rotary phone is? You do? How? What are you poor white trash? How would you know a rotary phone is? You went to a museum? You saw a TV show, a movie, Nickelodeon? Where would you see a rotary phone? Did you have one in your home growing up? - Old movies. - Old movies. Don't you just want to punch them both hard right in the head? What, they're probably thinking, like from the 80s, that to them is an old movie. Oh my God.
(audience laughing) Punks, let me tell you something-- punkette. A lot of people in this room, we grew up with the rotary phone, and it wasn't easy. You guys remember that? Remember that 0 took forever to come back? You dialed that 0. You're standing there.
I could have walked over there, made the pizza, and brought it home in the time it's taking this phone to dial. So my mom's phone broke, folks. She bought a cordless phone. My mother cannot hang up the cordless phone. She can't see the buttons so she just presses them all until one of them works, you know. So I get voicemail, "Hi Greg, it's Mom.
"Call me back, Bye." Beep. "Hello?" Boop, boop, boop. "Gregory?" Mom, just got a corded phone. She can't hang that one up.
Remember the old phones from the movie? (audience laughing) They were big. Remember? It was easy to hang up, you could see it. This new one's a slim phone.
She can't see it. So I get this voicemail, "Hi Greg, "it's mom, I got a corded phone. "Call me, bye." (audience laughing) "Oh my. "Gregory! "Oh, my knee hurts." (audience laughing) Folks, I did a show a while back in Vegas.
My sister was in the audience. I did that joke about my mom on the phone. The next morning my sister called my mom and told her that I'm now making fun of her in my act. Yeah, my sister ratted me out, everybody. My mom left me a very angry voicemail, "Gregory, "it's your mother.
"I heard from somebody-- "I won't say who-- (audience laughing) "because I don't want you getting mad "at your sister. (audience laughing) "But you're making fun of me "in your act. "I don't know what you could possibly "say to make fun of me, "but you better stop it. "Bye." (audience laughing) "Come on. (audience applauding) "My knee hurts.
"Gregory!" (audience laughing) I'm bad with technology. Melissa, my wife, well, she loves all that stuff. She's just like Jason, loves all the technology, loves it.
I hate it, which is why we had a little argument about a year or so ago. Because our local grocery store did the coolest thing. They pulled out all of the self checkout machines, no more self checkout machines in our grocery store. (audience cheering) Right? She hates it, I love it. I don't like the checkout machines.
Can't stand them, they're annoying. I remember the very first time I ever used a self checkout machine. I didn't even know they existed. I was in line. Kid says to me, "Sir, I could take "you over here."
So I come running over. He says, "All right sir, "there it is." So what is that? He said, "Sir, that is the self "checkout machine.
"You do the whole thing yourself. "You scan, you bag, you pay, and you "go." Wait a minute. Isn't that your job? (audience laughing) "Oh, no sir. "My job is to wait behind a desk "over there and supervise you."
Really? You're going to supervise me doing your job? Fascinating. (audience laughing) I mean, where else can you get this kind of customer service? Yeah, I'll have the T-bone, medium well, with a mashed potato? "Excellent choice, sir. "The kitchen's right down the hall. "Head on down there.
"We have a chef down there "supervising you." Oh, goody. Those machines are annoying I can't stand them.
"Please scan the first item "and place it in the bag. "Please scan the next item "and place it in the bag. "Please place the item in the bag." (audience laughing) It's in the big, Pop-tarts. I am talking-- it's in the bag.
I am talking to the machine. (audience laughing) I put it in there. "Please wait for cashier "assistance." Oh, great. Where is my supervisor? Where is he? He's not even here, the kid.
He left. I'm unsupervised, everybody. Punk, I'm standing about. There's a line forming, they are staring at me.
You know what I did? As long as I'm at work, apparently, I'm going to sweep up. I grabbed a broom, I swept up. I don't want to lose my job at the grocery store. I'm not doing anything. (audience laughing) Always look busy at work, punk.
Always look busy at work. (audience applauding) You ever try to buy produce at the self checkout machine? It's impossible-- impossible. You have to enter that little three, four digit code. You got the apple out to here.
You can't read it if you're my age. You got the thing, you're looking. Is that a 5 or an 8? What is that? Here's what I do, folks. I go and find the cheapest produce item and I get that code. I enter that code, no matter what I'm buying.
Employee discount. Thank you. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) My gift to you, Provo, my gift to you. (audience laughing) My gift to you. I want you to give Seth, our host, a round of applause for pronouncing my last name properly during the introduction. You can give him a hand-- give him a hand.
(audience cheering) He pronounced it correctly, everybody. He was very nervous before the show, but he got it right. I have a long last name, Vaccariello, gets mispronounced all the time. But folks, I just found out that the correct European pronunciation of my last name is Vaccariello. Vaccariello. Women love that.
They're like "ooh, ahh, I like that. "What does it mean?" Little cow. (audience laughing) Little cow, moo-moo, ladies. (audience laughing) It's Italian, obviously. Where are the Italian men? I smell cologne. Come on, where are you? Any Italian guys? Why am I not shocked? I'm in Utah.
Folks, you ever see the Italian guy in Provo, he's either doing this show, or he's in a Witness Protection Program, that's it. (audience laughing) We don't seem to be allowed to live here, everybody. Why is she mad at me? She got mad at me. Is there really no Italian guys in the whole room? We'll, there's somebody-- one guy? Who? There is? You're Italian, buddy? What's your name, Tony? (audience laughing) Folks, if you didn't get that one, it's on you. That one's what we call in the business easy.
What's your name, buddy? Tony. (audience laughing) Is that really your name? Tony? - No. - No, I can tell. What's your name? - Bill. - Bill? Witness Protection Program, I told you.
Where are you from, Bill? - California. - OK. Southern Cali-- - Bay Area. - Nice, I love the town. Yeah, good for you.
You live here now in Provo? Two weeks out of the month. Two weeks out of the month. (audience laughing) Bill-- I'm telling you, he's in a program. I have a friend of mine.
This is absolutely true, but you probably know this, "Bill." (audience laughing) Yeah, OK, OK. (audience laughing) Bill, you know this. I have a buddy of mine who's in law enforcement, he told me that in order to join the Witness Protection Program, he said all we have to do to these people is change their last names to sound more American.
And they would fit right into their new neighborhoods in places like Provo, Bill. Just change your last name, and you're going to fit right-- no, I don't think that would work. People are going to know who you are, right? You imagine some mob guy from New York, meeting his new neighbors in some small town in Nebraska.
"How're you doing? "We're your new neighbours. "My name is Vinny, this is my wife "Carmela, and our son Rocco. "We're the Cunninghams. "Nice to meet you. "How you doing?" (audience laughing) They're going to know, right, Bill? They're going to know.
Right, Bill? Bill, what do you do for a living, buddy? Don't say "things." (audience laughing) Don't worry about what I do, worry about what you do. What do you do, Bill? - Well, I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
- You see what I mean? Yeah. (audience laughing) He's probably like a doctor or something really. What do you do, buddy? - I am a CEO. - CEO, of what? - A tech company. A tech company, all right. (audience laughing) Now, Bill, I know in the short time I've been talking to you that you're from the Bay Area.
That you're real Italian, not Olive Garden Italian, am I right? (audience laughing) Bill had a small stroke when I said Olive Garden. Is this an Olive Garden crowd? Oh, it is. (audience laughing) Bill, look. It's a dump. Am I right, Bill? - You're right.
- It's a dump. (audience laughing) You should be ashamed of yourselves. Folks, it's a dump, and I have proof.
There has never been a mob hit at the Olive Garden. (audience laughing) Folks, those guys always get whacked in restaurants, not the Olive Garden. There's no Italians in the whole joint. (audience laughing) And if a guy did get whacked, it would be on news at nine. He was found face down in his never-ending bowl of pasta-- (audience laughing) --clutching a piece of garlic bread and a coupon.
(audience laughing) He was found by the head chef, Pedro. (audience laughing) Bill, everybody, Italian guy from New York, I'm married to a hillbilly. Swear to God. Any hillbillies out there? (audience laughing) Where are my hillbillies, everybody? Be proud.
Are you a hillbilly? You got to be. Where are you from, hillbilly? - [Audience Member] I have roots in Sarpy County. - See, that's hillbilly right there. Just can't just say-- Where are you from now, tell me? - Spring City, Utah. - Is that far from here? It's like an hour and a half.
An hour and a half. That's hillbilly country, everybody, Provo people? No. Yes. Have you ever heard of it? Yes.
They haven't even heard of it. That's definitely hillbilly. Good for you, hillbilly. My wife Melissa is from hillbilly headquarters, Tennessee.
(audience laughing) "I'm from Tennessee, y'all." (audience laughing) Like what are you, a squirrel? "What?" (audience laughing) That's where she's from. And I-- hillbilly, I love the hillbilly culture, everybody. I do. Fascinated by it. Hillbillies are great people, everyone.
Couple of things about the hillbilly culture I don't quite understand. Like since I married my hillbilly wife, my refrigerator is full of butter, margarine and Cool Whip tubs, and things in them that are not on the label. (audience laughing) This is hillbilly food storage, everybody.
(audience laughing) Why can't we just get some Tupperware? "Why spend $0.50 "on Tupperware when I "can use a Cool Whip tub?" I could just see what's in the Tupperware. "Just lift up the lid, you moron. "It ain't hard." (audience laughing) This is absolutely true. This happened, hillbilly.
One morning, folks, went to butter my toast. I lift up the butter lid. You know what was in there? Grits, grits.
You know what I did? I just gritted my toast. I'm done fighting, whatever. "It's good, ain't it?" (audience laughing) Yeah, ain't it good, whatever. I don't even know what to say to her anymore.
Now where I'm from, Bill, where you're from, the Bay Area, if you're from a city, if somebody asks you a question, you get to the answer right away. Right, Bill? We get to the point. Ask a question, here's your answer. Hillbillies can't do this.
I asked the hillbilly a question. Where are you from, hillbilly? Well, now I got roots up in-- (audience laughing) You see what I mean? I said, Bill, where are you from? Bay Area, that's it. He doesn't give me a little town, what exit, right near the bridge. No, Bay Area, that's it. I got it.
I know exactly where Bill's from. You had it going on. I had to shut you down. (audience laughing) My wife does it too. It's a hillbilly thing, man.
If you ask a hillbilly a question, you might as well sit down, kick back, make a sandwich, and it's going to be a while before you get your answer. For instance, let's say I grab my car keys and have a go. "Where are you going?" Oil change, back in two hours, bye. "Bye."
That's the whole conversation. Four seconds or less. She knows everything she needs to know. But let's say, my hillbilly wife grabs her car keys.
Honey, where are you going? "Oh, my gosh, "you know Pam from work? "You know she's always gossiping, "bless her heart. "And you know I hate gossip. "But every once in a while, "she's got a nugget. "Well, guess what? "Her brother in law "is going to jail for two years "for embezzling funds.
"And now the sister and the kids "have to move in with Pam "and her husband. "Well, Pam's husband, "he is not happy about that. "What is Pam suppose to do? "It's her sister. "Anyway, Pam told me, there's a sale "at the mall. "That's where I'm going now.
"Bye." (audience laughing) Are you going to the mall? Is that what you just said to me? (audience laughing) Folks, I've been to Utah a bunch in my life, but it's my first time here in Provo. Like I tell you, it's beautiful.
I'm going to tell you something else. I'm going to tell you a sentence that I guarantee you no man from Provo has ever said or ever will say. Ready, here it is. Honey, we need some more windchimes. (audience laughing) You only have that one annoying set over there. I think we need at least 15, 20 windchimes back here.
Am I right, buddy? Hillbilly, am I right? You've never once said that, and you never will say that. Punks, you're never going to say that, right? One of my neighbors' folks, Vegas dad. I don't know which house it is yet, and it's behind me and over this way. I got to find the house. They got the wind chimes. Little breeze goes by, it's like a orchestra.
It drives me crazy. Melissa, my wife, my hillbilly wife. She loves them. "Well, that's how you know it's "windy." Really? That's all how you know it's windy, from his windchimes. Are you tell me everything.
Honey, the neighbor's cat just flew across the backyard, a tree broken in. What, there goes the neighbor. It's windy. I don't need-- (audience laughing) I travel a lot, you know. Because oh, you're from New York. I bet you think you're a tough guy.
Folks, I am not a tough guy. I don't try to be a tough guy, and I know I'm not a tough guy. You know how I know? I'm addicted to Chapstick. (audience laughing) Tell you something, fellas, you may think you're tough. You're addicted to Chapstick? Nuh-uh-uh. Not going to happen.
I remember when I found out years ago, many years ago. I got into an argument with a guy over a parking spot. Guy said, "hey, you took my spot." I'm like, I took your spot? Oh, I'm sorry. I was waiting for that spot for 10 minutes, and I'm not moving. And if I was you, I'd back it up because you don't know who you're dealing with right now, pal.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding) So back it up. (audience laughing) That's what he did. He laughed at me, everybody. I still got the parking spot though.
I also do not watch tough guy TV shows, I don't. My favorite channel is Animal Planet, I love it. You'll learn great things in Animal Planet, everybody. I learned something very interesting recently about the male baboon. I learned what the male baboon has to do to let the female baboon know that he likes her. Guys, pay attention.
It is so simple it's amazing. This is all he does, folks. He walks up to her. He looks her in the eye and does this. (audience laughing) You didn't miss it.
That was it. He just asked her out. That's a great system, guys. Imagine if we could do that, how much cash we could have saved in our lives. You find out right there.
No dates, no flowers, no anxiety. You find out right there. I wish we could do that, but we can't. Right, fellas? Well, let's be honest. You see a good looking girl, you walk up to her, huh.
(audience laughing) And ladies, let me apologize right now. At least half the guys in this room would try that on you tonight at some point. (audience laughing) You'd be in the car driving home.
Hey baby. "What are you doing?" Like the guy. Folks, I think we all can agree there's a lot of tension out there. And a lot of stress, at each other's throats. It's no good.
It's got to stop. I think I have the one topic that can bring us all together. We can all agree on this one thing, and we move on from there. Can we all agree that the left lane of every highway in North America is for the people who are running late? Can we just agree on that? (audience laughing) If we're on time, scootch.
I'm trying to get to Provo. My back is killing me, please scootch. You ever had this happen? You're running late. You jump in that left lane there.
You're speeding down the highway. You're making up time. It's all good, even the cops are waving you on, oh, go ahead.
Then suddenly you find yourself caught behind this old geezer driving. Have you ever seen this guy? (audience laughing) I'm glad you laughed, everybody. I did this about a year or so ago in Florida.
Half the crowd got up and walked out, they were so-- (audience laughing) Well, folks, thank you very much. Good night. You were wonderful. Thank you.