NEW Iyanla fix my life (Apr.26.2021) S8 E803 Marriage Is Not Our Business FULL EPISODER HD

NEW Iyanla fix my life (Apr.26.2021) S8 E803 Marriage Is Not Our Business FULL EPISODER HD

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[Music] sacred scriptures make it clear that a house divided against itself cannot stand me my dad could have issues that's holy shocks are like why do i care about what this man is doing ain't gonna change from what to what from being to a regular person when we last saw the giles family the king was on throne i'm angry pissed you basically promised me that you wouldn't touch on a certain subject you turn around you did it and the queen had a conflicted heart i don't feel like we need to be together all right we wasn't finished it was a lot of things that was left unsaid when i used to see you my chest would hurt my blood with voice mark need help he's an alcoholic past that man without getting hit broken jordan come here what no this is ridiculous how old did this kid our work now is to close the gaps to bring this house upright to bring clarity wholeness and oneness to the divided hearts in this family i am hello mr jordan hey do you know why why you back i'm finishing business i love all of my grandchildren i can't say that i like all of them i need my dad okay i don't have my dad vulnerability opening stuff up to possible hurt that i couldn't afford even after all of the work that we did what i discovered was that this house was still divided that there were still things on people's hearts and minds that hadn't been accomplished would that be accurate for you yeah yes okay i got something for you because see home is where the heart is so what happens when the heart is divided it's a lot of pieces makes sense that's a heartbreak mm-hmm [Music] through our little group chat for a little while and then it stopped i feel like shane and they not here because of that because they're the oldest right right and then who comes after them ashley ashley i got some stuff on here for you based on what you said because y'all like to say stuff and then back away from it what does that say black sheep forgotten ignored lonely motherless child daddy-less daughter that's the unfinished business because we haven't gotten to talk about that no that's your piece of the heart [Music] remember these would you like one [Music] want to read that codependency no independent self i don't know what i think i don't know what i want indecisive trapped because i gave you some homework to do did you do no you take the rest of the year to get couples counseling ass i need you to stop raising so why didn't you do your homework it was more comfortable to stay with what i knew i am codependent i didn't realize how much it impacted every area of my life and my family i really can't make an informed decision about the marriage until i really and play on who i am and what i want out of life [Applause] read that for me wounded pranks triggers here for a check so mr jordan tell me why you were willing to come here to talk to me ain't gonna like that answer yes i will money money yes you sell yourself for a check sell myself how's it setting myself in this here if you don't want to be here to do the work you just did it for the money then you're selling yourself but okay that's your piece of the heart uncrowned king father in crisis unhappy no sense of purpose needs to be needed sound familiar spoiled princess truth teller magical child protector by the spoiled princess because i know how to get what i want okay we didn't get to speak much last time grandma untold story favoritism no filter detachment can't tell mark anything are you aware that your mother feels she can't tell you anything no i've always thought that she could i've always thought that my mother would tell me things even as a kid that a kid probably shouldn't know how to deal with for instance if you're a kid and your parents can't pay the bills okay pay the rent why would they tell the kid that i took that on so you became the man in the household yes as i got older that became more of a badge of honor okay well i held it down i'm the king so that's what you set up do you get that i don't yeah so when you say today that jamil was not friendly with us she acted like she didn't want to get to know us you know we tried to get to know her and house divided how long have you all been married 19 years 19 years everything's going on but i miss dorothy you still talk about that yes i do okay we're gonna talk about that mom can i speak to the world a little bit when i decided that i wanted to merge a meal i wouldn't marry her for anybody else i still love my mother with all my heart but the point is that throughout my mother's life the man that she dated i wasn't crazy about the man she married i accepted him you expected her to do to you what you did to her but here's what i want you to consider is how you did it in doing it the way you did it you set her up how because here's what i like you know i love you right okay so don't put your face ugly with me you are like a roaring lion thrashing about in the space and when you come in the room everybody is matched to the wall that's how you i am a product of my upbringing yeah and i didn't do everything right but i wasn't my father i didn't abandon them i brushed my tail was she there for you yes or no simple sentence yes when i was younger i believe that and then [Applause] [Music] she abandoned me you could straighten a lot of this out but i'm not seeing that you're voicing your foot working this crew whatever was pled to my father that's why i was sleeping if y'all feel like he should have stayed there feeling the weight that he felt that selfish he left me he ain't talking i'm getting it ashley please [Music] was she there for you she abandoned me for somebody else you abandoned me for your man but you got a problem with my grandmother grandma we gonna have a conversation okay good for you mr mark i'm gonna send you in your journal off to start writing this down because the real problem that he's in the same way she had no idea that that the problem that you were in trying to live up to her but the big thing for me is that right there he's not here before i got married i was raising a little mark and actually as a single parent my relationship with my son little mark it has been screened over the years this is what he says i come from a family of drunks he said he was damaged by his father his uncontrollable anger that he learned from you gets him in trouble and so he just walked away recognizing that he left his baby brother and sister so we got to have a conversation with him so can you tell me why a young man i've never seen him at would say i come from a family of drunks mission i feel like it's the truth i mean my fat my family was what they would call functional alcoholics i was basically the same way where are you with your grandson mark you know or when i call him he's not from you yeah so here's what we're going to do i want you all to look at the back of your heart and start downloading some of that stuff so that when we get together we can have a complete and thorough conversation about whatever your heartbreak is okay and miss dorothy you gonna stay here with me grandma's we're gonna have a conversation okay grandmother grandma i didn't get to really examine your story and i guess this is a lot because you're the queen mother yes it is a lot but i have to go here with you you got to tell me about your comment to jaden the last time we were here grandma i just want to know why you never liked me i love all of my grandchildren i can't say that i like all of them and you are one of them that i don't like when you said to her i don't like you what did you mean by that yeah you got a man on her own yeah why do you think that was she would run everything in their family but it's not my business yeah but it is your business that it shows up in a way that your granddaughter thinks you don't like her have you apologized to her no i haven't i don't think she would accept my i tried to uh apologize when we were going home she wouldn't talk to me do you not like her i love her but do you like her i mean come on grandmother grandma yeah i do like her you know we don't spend much time together her mother has a lot of influence on her and i think because jamil has issues with me she kind of let us know be known to her daughter because we didn't get off on a good start when i met jamil he brought her over the next thing i know they was getting married he didn't care what anybody thought i could be wrong but it sounds to me like he thinks he was your man he said she abandoned me to be with her man and now she wants to tell me who other man when did that come in i don't know we need to have that conversation yes we do because so very often as mothers we make the mistake of making our sons our emotional husbands yeah i guess he felt like he had to be the man in my life you know uh and what did you do to stop him no male role model father not in his life and whatever he made up about how he had to protect you yeah so he was just mr big one of the things i want to bring to your awareness is there's a breakdown between the women and that's been going on for a long time i consider you the top of this line and i think that if you put your foot down and use your voice you could straighten a lot of this out but i'm not seeing that your voice and your foot work in this crew i need your help well one of the things that you're going to have to do is you're going to have to make peace with mr jameel you may be the queen as to the person that i probably could be a better mother or better yeah it's okay mother-in-law yeah my father grandmother you didn't know ma you didn't know yeah you didn't know you didn't know i'm sorry i wish i could have been i hadn't been i had the knowledge or i had the the guidance yeah i had a mother in my life to be the kind of mother that i probably could be here's the good news about the queen mother that once you say you're sorry everybody has to forgive you i'm sorry they have to and this is queen mother medicine this is how you get it done how can i make it better now so i want you to start your work and as i work with them throughout the day i'm going to pull you in things i want you to see my pocket and take you home that's okay you know what i'm going to speak into your soul in such a way that everything i say will grow and move let's pray for them i've always felt like you and i were a teen you just kind of left i sleep in my car but you went up with disney girl you told me your baby i couldn't come i'm going to talk to monsignor okay how do you mend a broken heart for this family the deepest part of the heartbreak lies with little mark mr mark's eldest son hi you're a cute little thing although he could not be with us i want to make sure that he is a part of the conversation and the healing process your name has come up a lot are you aware of that what do you remember about how you grew up i spent probably the first five six years with my mother my mom went through a lot of fighting addiction and things of that nature after that i ended up moving tell me about your dad marrying miss jameel i didn't want it to happen to be honest because she stepped in a picture i stepped out so you're upset with your father is because he met mr mill and just kind of abandoned you this is how i feel you just came to me in my father's life i didn't come in your life you came at our house this one dad just came home from school and he asked me like did you speak to jamil when you came in the house and i'm like no and he smacked me in my face pulled me down the steps through me on the couch and told me when i come in the house i better speak to her and you think that all of that started after he married jamia it did because he it wasn't that before that once that happened everything turned physical after he married jameel everything turned physical well mr mark jr you say you let it go but then you tell people you have uncontrollable anger because you were damaged by your father let's talk about that my anger just i just had his drinking too ah if i get angry the first thing i think is you know what i'm leaving the house i'm gonna go get me a truck i developed that i don't give a f i don't care who so i definitely see your anger i think it may be a little misplaced but okay what i find so interesting is you the big brother let your little brother's hand go you walked away from the same way you're saying away from abuse so i turned 18 i tell myself nobody in this world would ever have control over me that's why i left anything that was anything that was attached to my father i was down what if the reason you're stuck the reason you still drink the reason you have uncontrollable anger the reason you feel damaged by your father what if the reason that you just walk away because see here's the peace i'm getting ready to twist your locks up right now you want your locks twisted you did to jaden and jordan of everything that your father did to you you walked away and left him he left you for jameel you left jaden and jordan for what franklin i'm going to get something i'll be right back okay did you hear that yeah come on you getting ready to be queen mother come on come on come on be the queen mother right now you beat me i'ma put you in my chair okay he needs you [Laughter] you i miss you i miss you we need this and we all need to get together and solve this problem it's not going to go away i feel terrible leaving him when i did when i came up to maryland so i got some work to do on myself when it comes to him you know how you feel better okay all grandma had to do was show up and give you a little huge i think it'll help you to hear from them okay [Music] after speaking with mark junior i sense that it is important to have all of the siblings come together and have a conversation to clear the air you get a chance to do some work on those things back there i don't understand when they're praying well wounded prince your father is the king meaning the elder male so if you're looking up the line who you would be looking to is your brother mark and there's a breakdown between you and mark would that be accurate yes so man love my relationship it was just that was my big brother i used to follow him all around like i was at his hip but then he left and are you aware of the reason your brother left home not the exact reason why we gonna ask him because for you and for you he just left you out there i wanna know why i have never expressed that i am angry and hurt by little mark i just i'm in my feelings whenever i see him let me get your brother are you there my love sir i have resentment against him whatever was basically connected to my father that's why i was leaving you know it wasn't necessarily towards my siblings it was towards leaving my father because i felt like if i didn't leave i was gonna kill that man sound familiar yes so what does that have to do with you not being there to guide your younger brother like i said before you don't have nothing to do with him has everything to be taken away from our father [Music] jordan how many times he put his hands on you too how many times you can put your hands on your three i couldn't i couldn't blink past that man without getting my head your mother broke me down i couldn't speak to that man i'm gonna talk now and it still scares me to speak back he basically told me hey he said he would kill me at 12 your point i know y'all got y'all issues or y'all um yeah but i saw you roll your eyes and suck your teeth and say that he's done the same thing to you didn't didn't you say that yeah your father have you ever talked to your brother about that how am i talking i don't know how would you talk to him how do you usually talk to him i don't because he don't answer the phone and that's what he did since he left he wasn't thinking about let me grab jaden and jordan they keep saying jaden and jordan feel like mark left him because he and mom and dad should have never made y'all feel that way so he was supposed to stay there and be unhappy and that's selfish you're the outline you're the hotline here okay my talk to your brother mark bruh no come here come [Applause] [Applause] come here [Applause] somebody give me a car and a key can you please stop please please stay focused [Applause] this is ridiculous how old is this kid he's 17. he don't listen to nobody nobody i didn't even see that he left it doesn't matter where is his boundary you don't care why that's the spoiled stuff that i've been talking about jordan my son is 50. and if i tell him to sit he gonna sit stand he gonna stand and i don't have to chase him around it's gonna be your damn problem he will he will disappear [Applause] where is jamiro what happened i didn't know what happened saw somebody excuse me hey you don't gotta repeat it everybody has a problem with me i'm trying to get out of the situation they never even considered that you weren't leaving them you were saving yourself they never even considered that you know why because your father didn't teach them how to be considerate get me mr mark let them know this is very very very very hard for your son and now his baby brother and his baby sister are holding him accountable for what he thought he had to do to save himself from you okay talk to me man you can't join like what's wrong with me and my challenge you really didn't even want it from the beginning like what is it [Music] i [Music] mark i want you to look look at me your dad is here he's heard everything you said and he didn't say a word and he didn't leave you i still love you do you understand that's why it hurts so deeply because you love him do you get that and you never acknowledged his pain mr mark never acknowledged look at your son son believe me i do understand your pain he didn't do anything son that was me i look at you son and i see me he said i did was what i knew what happened to you like what made you like that like what happened in your life you know what people do that made you you know that made you angry that makes you mad they may need a spirit image of you i ended up not really having a childhood personally after i was 10 11 years old not having a father in the house i took on the mantle or it was kind of placed on me it'd be the man of the house who placed it on you your grandmother expressed things that made me feel like i had to pick up that mantra and be the man of the house and that's how i am here with my family here they all look up to me i'm the man i'm gonna take care of my family i basically i gotta say i'm healed that's exactly why we're here saying you know i saw the brokenness in the family and and that's why i reached out son i mean because when dorothy your son mark just shared with his son you didn't tell him to be the man but you allowed him to be the man would that be accurate that was to be accurate did you hear that did you yeah you didn't do anything you didn't deserve that and as i got older and once i had jaden and jordan it wasn't that i loved them anymore it's just that i was growing and and realizing that what i did with you and what i did with ashley wasn't right and so i wasn't trying to repeat that and it wasn't about that i didn't love you or the everything that you did so i was just trying to do better and be different it's a lot mark it's a lot do you feel better since you've spoken to your dad yeah in my head but yeah anything else you need to say to your dad i just love y'all hey man i love you too son y'all ain't perfect but jesus y'all can show run fast thank you mr mark thank you you may be here for a check because i don't get a sense that anybody has ever been there for you and so i want to be there for you in a different way come on come on come on come on let it all out look [Music] [Applause] rough day yesterday a little bit i know you said that you only came for a check yes i know that's not true and when i hear you say i don't care what i hear is it's too painful to talk about it it's not safe to talk about it or i'm not going to talk about it because i'm not going to talk about it because i'm kidding no i don't care it's code word psychologically it's a code word but this is what i i want you to know you may be here for a check but i want you to know i'm here for you because i don't get a sense that anybody has ever been there for you does that make sense to you yes so i want to be there for you in a different way because you cannot care do what i say nobody can tell me nothing [Music] to your brother to you it's just the beginning and i don't think you want to be like that is that accurate if i'm not moving like that you will be unless you get some other tools you think you have the tools jordan but you don't because if you did you would have never told me to suck you i said to you i know you just said it in general but what that demonstrated to me was a level of self-control that you don't have here's your family's pattern everybody's got it you've been abandoned physically and emotionally don't know the hell you are you know that they know what's happened to you that creates the division everybody goes to their separate place because that's what was stuck to you and that's the result of deprivation you all have been deprived of love i hear you say i love you this is not that so i want to ask you a question are you willing to have a conversation with me okay and be willing to do it different do whatever everything let me tell you what that means okay come on come take this mic off mr jordan is so shut down i sense that by speaking with him off camera he will come to realize that trust and vulnerability are not weaknesses but are necessary signs of strength the shift in mr jordan may not happen until there is a shift in his parents behavior mr mark is next on my list how you doing today um okay oh yes the level of violence in your family is a very concern to me mr mark last night gave me a lot to think about my own upbringing you know i'm glad you went there because this is where i want to go with you how old were you i was 14 i think what happened the situation where someone had uh regularized my mother's house our house okay and i got revenge uh reform school [Music] but now they said that i got got some guys in the neighborhood and so at 17 years old i got a charge for polonius assault they attacked you when you got the charge yeah cause i killed you because i sliced my head over and so at 17 you went away yes i saw when i saw your children jordan and jaden due to their brother mark junior yesterday was violence mr mark jordan is in trouble issue at 14. put that pin in that because i'm looking for cars okay tell me what you heard my mother's relationships and the things that she would go through with like boyfriends that were like problems physical violence verbal a lot of it was verbal also living in our situation that we you know living any projects you know that started the path to me being the man of the house it became your job to have to get the money and whatever for your house there was no about me you know i hustled and and made money and did what with it gave it to my mom she took it yes she took it okay so listen to me that makes you her husband not her son so when her husband announces that he's getting married jamil becomes the other woman and that's how your mother has treated your wife right i don't even think your mother understands that how did you respond to your mother leaving you i cursed her about it where were you i was living with my grandparents okay so yeah my grandparents didn't live in a project how old were you 18.

she said to me yesterday that she neglected to tell you all she was leaving yeah yeah she did at that time i was very resentful because i said to her say hi to hillary cause you leave me and i never left you husband wife turn your back go in the corner if you need to cry come on come on come on come on let it all up how could you leave me and i never left you tell me i never left you when i remember yeah come on speak it i need you to be there for me yeah do to provide and protect and take care of your mom what did you have to do yeah i stole yes i cheated yes i learned lowered my integrity yeah to take care of you and you leave me really come on speak it speak it mark speak it speak it i'm mad about you okay good uh-huh vulnerable not hard say to projects what else what else you need to say okay you are not okay crazy jordan is in trouble he's you he says when you i think i've done the best for my family and to realize um that i haven't [Music] it bothers me well you thought you were doing the best for your mother and you weren't you were never taught how to do anything in your manhood beyond hustle and provide [Music] and all that you said to mark as opposed to being clear about who you are it's your fault but it's your problem so you made up what you needed to be at 14 and even though your mother didn't ask you to do it she allowed you to do it and i'm still going for her well you can't stop you can do it because this is the queen mother and your mother who you love and respect and adore not because there's a part of you that thinks it's your job to take care of your mama when she got a husband is this making sense to me yeah it's very much i'm going to see the queen mother sitting here if you want to weep weep go back and do that [Music] queen mother so when you hear mark say you left me and i never left you how does that make me feel real bad and think about the choices that i made raising him or not raising him and you weren't raised miss dorothy i know you grew up i did what i knew to do yeah yeah all i can do is learn from my mistakes get the help i need yeah and be around people that's positive being mother it's gonna require that you hear some things and have nothing to say about it because the goal here is not to be right or wrong right the goal here is to level the playing field so that we can do it different can you hear me [Music] i think i'm overprotective me and my oldest we don't see i don't have most of the time only because i try to keep her around because i didn't want her to feel like i wasn't around the way you felt like your mom wasn't around is she running away when a woman is not standing in her full power everybody connected to her will be stuck so what i'm inviting you to witness is the healing ceremony that we're going to do for your mom [Music] the next stop on my list of broken hearts is miss ashley i remember her sadness the sadness of a little girl longing for her mommy and daddy but as a grown woman with daughters of her own it is time for miss ashley to realize that a broken mother will only create more understanding of what mark was telling my younger brother his sister he was apologizing and then jane just screamed like but you left me and it's like i'm done with this because i know what mark went through because we did it together so for them to do that it's like where is there a point where we're going to be open to forgive what are we here for and the one thing that i get that has happened to all of you is of the abandonment so that's why jordan and jaden broke my heart they left mark hanging out there with his heart laying open and i think that that has happened to all of you in one way or another that moment when you put yourself up to be vulnerable that you get abandoned or neglected and then you become defensive so that's why i did this look what came to you first talk to me the black sheep to me is like never why [Music] [Applause] probably from being a bandit [Applause] yeah i heard your brother say yesterday that your mom would leave you in the apartment and she'd be gone for days or weeks do you remember that we were two weeks at a time we wouldn't have food or nothing how old were you when this used to happen about six or seven so what did y'all do we helped each other i remember time we would go to the store and steal we was young but we figured it out i know everybody probably like why are they so angry why are they not mad at their mom i had a point in my life where i was but even through it all even with her using drugs we never not felt love from her she's apologized a lot and in that moment i did realize that she was truly sorry but do you understand the absolute insanity of a drug such a distorted image of love basically due to the love deprivation what you got in the name of love had so many tentacles and so much stuff attached to it it's crazy your love cup is really empty it is i feel like i had neither one of them you didn't that's a pattern too in this family you just weren't mothered or protected or provided for no where does this live how does this show up in your life i have three girls at home i think i'm overprotective me and my oldest we don't see eye to eye most of the time only because i try to keep her around how old is she 16. when he was younger i didn't let them go over friend's house i didn't let them go to parties i kept them with me because i didn't want her to feel like i wasn't around the way you felt like your mom wasn't around is she running away she did it once it's hard yeah let it come up ma yeah let it come on yeah come on breathe good yeah yeah yeah come on breathe yeah yeah yeah yeah that's okay didn't do anything wrong care for her yeah you're my oldest well don't be what are you scared of speak it out come on she don't listen yeah she don't like it that's family trait she's fighting she's fighting that's a family trait she places i don't know where she is yeah that's the family trait uh-huh don't listen to nobody don't have to answer nobody nobody tell me what to do that's your dad that's your brother that's your little brother that's your little sister that's all it's the family so we're gonna break the curse here's what i want you to believe as you shift everything you are raising three girls you're gonna be three wives and three mothers and i am depending on you to make sure they break this pattern and it's gonna be hard your pain and your brokenness is gonna tell you it's not gonna work yeah yeah you can thank you i know i can you are the only one i i don't have anybody else i'm going to try to get miss jameel present enough in her body so that she can start to make some shifts i'm just going to invite you to witness the work we're going to do the work with her but you can also get the healing okay you're powerful thank you i don't think you know it though do you know it a mother is the heart of the home it is her role to establish comfort safety and nurture all members of the family for miss jameel her heart is in conflict my hope for her is that today she can find some clarity about what in her heart needs to be fixed because her family needs her what in the blazing bejesus happened yesterday i've taught jordan when he gets upset to remove himself in the situation so he doesn't have the explosion he told me he's like i tried to do what you told me that's what he spoke into the space when he told mark junior who had just opened his heart and been so vulnerable and so authentic and mr jordan told him if you suck my d and storm down wow mr meal why is he running the show [Music] [Applause] you know right because when i told you i was getting married you cried i guess i was just you are the other woman the day i got married she told me that if you weren't my son i would marry him [Music] what in the blazing bejesus happened yesterday mark junior who had just opened his heart and been so vulnerable and mr jordan told him nephew suck my d wow mr jordan is in trouble oh i agree jordan does not respect authority how did that happen in a two-parent household i don't think it was a two-parent household how many parents were present it was two adults in the house how about two kids or like the outskirts of everything that that was never a part of anything i find that so interesting because in your relationship with mr mark and miss dorothy you are the other woman i mean i realized that the day i got married i was like this is not gonna be good she told me that day if he weren't my son i would marry wow it didn't really register but the older i got the more i was like this woman's gonna fight me my whole life because i took her man from her wow i'm so tired of fighting do you understand the disruption in that energy that you presented to miss jaden that that's why miss darling can say out of her mouth to miss jayden i don't like you because jaden is the offspring of the other woman so tell me tell me where you are with mr mark now with your marriage with you moving forward where are you now i don't feel like i have anything to reclaim your voice would you be willing to do that yes i want to take you through a ceremony today to help you reclaim your life [Music] i'm gonna go and get the space ready i need you to take off everything i need you to take off jewelry earrings i need you to take everything off mr mill is clearly exhausted and has been drained of her own inner authority and her voice as a woman i have asked the women in this family to witness a ceremony that will help rejuvenate mr mia my concern for this family it just grows exponentially both for your father all of the children everybody but a real concern for miss jameel so what i'm inviting you to witness and participate in it's a healing ceremony that we're going to do for your mom a healing ceremony conducted for women by women it's called a baking ceremony and i wanted you here because as your mother is healed your heel queen mother i'm gonna go get her [Music] [Applause] put your head on this pillow there comes a time when only women can help a woman heal her heart your feet to her feet all the way up against her all the way up against her she got to feel it she's got to feel it no thinking no talking just women supporting a sister woman in our process come on breathe in [Applause] and out today i have asked the community of women from fix my life to bake mr meal these women come from all walks of life and have worn the shoes miss jameel is walking in their experience support and love will give her strength and hopefully clarity when you inhale i want you to pull her energy when you exhale i want you to push it up because women have a special connection a divine connection [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i'm sorry that i messed up i do love her i just didn't know [Music] i'm sorry [Applause] one another i never mentored you i do whatever it takes to keep our family together and strong and loving one another i'm sorry baby come sit with her till she's ready to get up you come with me just sit there until she's ready for your glasses mom get your book tell me what happened why you cry what you know what you feel i don't even know i know i didn't have the courage to interfere with my son's marriage and and have him hard at me i know how he is but now you can do it different yes yeah you can hold all of them in your heart just like that every day i'm gonna have a conversation with you how you doing how you feel better they broke in the ties did you feel it so here's the work you have to stop yourself from doing the same thing [Music] [Applause] miss dorothy is stepping into her role as queen mother in the family by accepting miss jameel as mr mark's queen but now she needs to acknowledge that shift with her son hi how you doing mr mark i want to paint a picture for you okay a young man about 14 15 years old really frightened of the harshness around him yes what do you want her to know about him from your birthing me up into a certain age i've always felt like you and i were a team it was us against the world when you decided to go to washington dc you just kind of left when i came on queensbury and y'all said i couldn't come i sleep in my car [Music] but she went over this negro you told me your baby i couldn't come close y'all stay in there with it stay in there with it you're doing you hurt me so bad with my children on christmas when you told me you gave them too much just hit me in my heart like a steak like what do you mean i gave them too much i remember not having anything and i've never forgotten when you were gone christmas is putting together my cousin's toys nothing for me and for you to tell me i'm getting my mind too much they don't deserve it they scored they did they that they was mine when i got married from day one you didn't like the meal take a breath take a breath calm down you don't have to roar don't roll you don't have to love her yeah but because when i told you i was getting married you cried that hurt me i'm like this ain't happy this you crying like like i'm dead i apologize i didn't want you to marry her she was outgoing she was smart i guess i was jealous you know i i feel bad because i didn't treat her i didn't know how to go to her i was over there but she treated me so like she wouldn't even look at me at the time she speak but she wouldn't look at me you treated me very well you was respectful you you just like put me on a pedestal you know i i was very proud of you very proud of you not for what you could do for me or what you did for me but because he was my son my only son i did the best i knew how to do what i had if i knew better i would have been better but we're at this place now that we're trying to be official i'm happy that we're learning the twos and all this it's heavy and it all grows from the point that you have an inappropriate relationship from the beginning inappropriate the mother women you had babies with but you always came home to her when you were in trouble you came up to her now you're telling me you're getting ready to marry somebody what and you didn't integrate jamil into the family that has to shift this is a good start right here yeah i got to see you as mother i don't no you got to see her as the queen i will learn it better to respect and honor you that means a lot to me because i know he was hurting i couldn't fix your hurt i wanted to hold you like she was a baby and just make it right but now we not going backwards from here we're going to be better i'm going to be better because i'm the queen mother love you so much most of the parties is outside and i'm pulled to the side to be bothered yeah what's the difference between what [Music] how do you mend a broken heart a heart divided by abandonment neglect deprivation and a home where violence alcohol and the fear of telling the truth has resulted in no communication and division when the people have the tools and become willing to use them to listen without judgment to hear without attacking to speak mindfully with compassion home becomes a place where questions and answers create love and deepen connection today is a day of questions answers and hopefully the end of a long-standing division good morning have some tea why don't you okay so i have to go here with you tell me about mark junior's suffering um i failed for him and i'm trying to come at peace with what happened tell her about his suffering when he left it was to protect you and jordan don't know he blamed me for it for a long time somebody else told me they said he feels like you left him and he wanted to know why did you leave him to go through that alone so it wasn't just you and jordan that felt abandoned he felt abandoned i felt abandoned we all felt abandoned so imagine you knowing what you know about your father and you have no mother to turn to marjunia and ashley's mother wasn't there nowhere to go no soft place to fall so what can you do today to end mark junior suffering tell him to understand what he went through yeah and be their friend do for him what you would want somebody to do for you if you were in that situation that's compassion when you left here miss ashley there was a conversation that i thought you might need to have with your dad we've all been victim of sex movements and who did you tell nobody i expressed it that was hard he um blamed himself and said that he should have never put me in a situation where i felt like i couldn't come to him that's a powerful learning for him i told him everything everything my age 8 to 11 years old oh repetitive i told him a day that i could remember hearing his voice because most of the parties was outside so you can hear music you can hear my dad's voice you can hear auntie's cousins kids you hear everything and i'm pulled to the side to be i don't know how to say it molested violated to be violated yeah so in the moment i told my dad i could hear you he didn't take that part to wherever he he like so i'm outside drinking and partying and i'm thinking you safe and you not he apologized he take part blame in raising me and mark to feel like we wasn't able to come to him and talk to him about anything it made me feel like i'm loved i'm not forgotten i'm not ignored what about you i haven't talked to my dad about it yet i was molested as a child i know you didn't tell your dad who why am i that crazy what's the difference between what she's saying and what happened to you the difference is my dad was not around i have been out at my grandmother's house oh this grandma know no why she used to call me fast and like i'm not going to tell you that because you're going to say oh it was your fault like i don't want to you know that's what i'm going to hear we were blamed you're fast hell you're fast ass that's how they talk to us can you hear me give her the opportunity to live beyond that i want us to have a ladies meeting phil i'm gonna put you here queen mother i'ma put you over there we've already started without you so how you feel this morning much better much better tell me about that he's smiling she's a different person tell me revelations inspirations what did you think of your process it felt good to be able to release a lot of stuff and i think i just woke up today feeling like i have more of a purpose that i have the strength to walk in a way that i haven't in a really really long time good and how are you feeling this morning i did some soul-searching i cried this morning when i got up about reflecting on what you taught me you know being a clean mother the way i hurt my granddaughter and i just cried from the heart how i felt about my daughter-in-law how i had hurt her i just kept saying how could i have done that particularly between the two of you we can't minimize for the same man do you get that i mean now i see that how can we resolve it how i feel today i don't have the heaviness and the physical anger that i've been carrying for a really really long time towards miss dorothy yeah like when i used to see you my chest would hurt my blood would boil and today i don't feel that i'm okay with us being at peace with each other green mother yes i apologize for what i said i'm truly sorry i don't know what happened yeah you do we talked about it we talked about it you know the devil is a vision flex but he's a busy man he probably put that thought i said it so fast i didn't even realize what i said well i ain't gonna let you think the devil i ain't gonna let you play with them the devil had nothing to do with it she had some stuff in her heart she did because of her relationship with her i am a friend burglarized at home and i accused him and at some point he came back and pulled a gun on me i don't know how i feel about you it's going to take me time to forgive you i don't want to say i don't have any emotions for you i don't want to say i have nothing else to give but i kind of feel like i have nothing else to give tell her how to treat it so that she will understand what her behavior is the first incident where you really heard my feelings was when me was upstairs in the room and i think you were folding clothes and you were just talking about my mom so i went and told my mom and i believe you went back and told everybody that i run my mouth too much on this and i'm that do you remember the incident i remember yeah very clearly yes i do the second one was you never came to pick me up you always came to get jordan you never came to get me and it used to make me feel unwanted yeah that was out here do you have any idea what was going on for you about that i really don't when 16 and i was that i was too fast and i was too girl another grandmother i shouldn't have done it so here's the question how can she make it better now i need time the question becomes is this an important relationship in my life and if it is an important relationship that'll be your motivation because it's an important relationship to her you continue to make the effort maybe there'll come a day when she can say this is what you can do to make it better for me now but that means that you have to stop rehearsing the stories of the past the critical breaks in this family are jordan and mark junior yep mark need help he's an alcoholic oh he is an alcoholic that's what i was going to ask you the outings going to get drunk and not coming home oh yeah i got phone calls every night i got people calling me come get your brother come get him where is he at and i'm up there he's just the depth of abuse he experienced at the hand for a while for this stuff to shake and settle i cannot fix it all i can do is teach you how to be better how to do it different this has been too broken for too long [Music] [Applause] piece by piece a broken heart of family's heart can be healed come in my love but in order for the recovery process to be successful it is important for the king and queen to have a moment to share with each other and to commit to leading their family in a different way that leads to total recovery and healing this is going to sound bizarre but you all are married yes can we hold up on trying to repair the marriage and just work on repairing the two individuals in the marriage and if you do that i think the marriage will take care of itself okay yeah so how was yesterday for you what awarenesses revelations uh yesterday got more responsibility than should have been on my shoulders and that took me to right here where i am today i've done it my way does mr jameel know the pivotal event that kind of turned stuff around when i was 14 my mother's friend burglarized our home i was 14 he was an adult and i approached him and i accused him and at some point he came back and pulled a gun on me he actually pulled the trigger and the gun didn't go off later on i searched him out i beat him busted and i probably beat him within an inch of his life that was the start of me being a man in my house and not allowing anything or anyone to touch my family didn't know that did you never heard that that's the foundation of authority being violent even in my relationships it always kind of boiled down to because i'm doing it's my way i thought that i was allowing people to do and say what they wanted but when it went against what i did i did this i'm doing that how come you can't do what i expect and i ask for your forgiveness i pray that learning the tools and learning what not to do moving forward can make us stronger together as husband and wife to lead this family i feel like we are able to have the fresh start to start operating differently and we can create a house of love i recognized the brokenness in you a long time ago that's what has allowed me to stay for so long and accommodate your bad behavior what i've learned is that in accommodating that behavior i have done myself and our children a great disservice and the one that suffered the most is jordan i haven't been present and not just in our marriage but in my body i got a lot of work to do on me and determining or figuring out who i am outside of being mark's wife and very very interesting that's your first two set of children you had with women who had substance abuse problems and i asked you to consider that because of the trauma and violence at home you set up your relationships where you had to go in and rescue somebody so when she said to you i'm right you'd rescue her once you did that you saved her you expect that she will never leave you and because you had not yet developed an independent self you were a right candidate for his rescue can you see that i really want you all to get that that's the bedrock the foundation what do you hear that we have to operate differently and learn how to tell the truth to each other as soon as we figure it out he has to learn how to listen and hear you have to learn how to speak and not write and don't think that doesn't mean that you don't love each other may mean that it may not be mad but look kind of cute together although you're like real cultural and stuff and he's a little [Music] can i get ahead i want you all to talk to each other but what are we gonna do about mark junior i spoke with him last night i wanted to let him know that i was proud of him and i don't want him to make the mistakes that i made are you aware clear conscious your son might need rehab yes have you had that conversation no i haven't so i want us to have a conversation with him today and gently suggest at the very least let's go get you a sponsor and you start going to meetings let's do it different [Music] so we are inviting you into the village meeting we've got a lot of work done haven't we yes yes yeah so i think we wanted to share some things with you [Music] come over here so he can see you heard me when you left because i looked up to you a lot and i know we had this like really big connection and like growing up seeing my friends with their older brothers and i'm like no i don't have my older brother but i didn't have you and like i couldn't say like to my boyfriend like my big brother gonna beat you up i mean i couldn't say that i mean i could say that but she wasn't like down the street i don't trust me i love you man like i wish i could have cased your cheer games and all those type of things and i can't take it back but i'm thinking sorry for it jordan do you have anything you want to say no okay i'm going to put you over here so that you can have a conversation with your mom and dad i think they have a few things they might want to say to you hey baby well i just want to say uh to your son i've made the commitment to change my truth and that's the way you perceive things and and i respect that i'm going to communicate more with you i want you to communicate more with me you have my permission to call me on it and i just love you son i mean that's that's what that's what i want to relate to you uh things are going to change may not always feel good but it's going to be for the best and that's for the entire family so um step at a time man so we couldn't always give you all what you needed you specifically um i was not able to be what you needed me to be and i asked you to forgive me [Music] so in the vein of holding each other accountable i'm asking you to make a commitment to find a meeting to get some support for your surprise i'm asking you to make a commitment to find a meeting to get some support for your sobriety staying so that's man okay i've known myself with banking as well and we can both do the same thing you know whatever like we try to find something with ourselves to love each other for each other to help each other we come from a family of alcoholics we came from trauma see that yeah that's where we come from love which couched in trauma and violence yeah and it was ashley and i talked about that being on your own when you're unprepared and underage to have to fend for yourself to eat to survive that's violence so this is what your family has been working to heal and they've done really good work i'm gonna give everybody their piece of missing heart so you're gonna be right in this with us okay i'm gonna give you yours first and your tools that you have to work with willingness and forgiveness those are your tools okay [Music] to give them what they need to do the work in this family i'm gonna start with the younger one over here yeah that would be nice those are his tools humble yourself don't be right all the time coming up the line coming up the line same thing for you humility you don't have to know everything in kindness because listen to me you are so sweet that bite girl please self-accepted encourage do what you know you need to do before you are forced to do it you know what you need to be and some people you gotta let go of some things you gotta stop doing do it okay [Applause] know thyself know your power no you're scary just know everything loving nurturing that's all just love upon them come here come here and kiss me get over here and catch your grandma that's all you have to do and find your voice get out that og voice that'll key voice is rough vulnerability or willingness that's what your daddy is working on and you too everything can be better and will be better as long as we make an effort often than not a divided heart is difficult if not impossible to repair we cannot run away from the brakes hurts the visions that live in our hearts sometimes in order to heal we must do the very things we try to avoid ask the hard questions hear the hard truths challenge the patterns invited against itself cannot stand until and unless the heart of that house is willing to be vulnerable and open to the possibility that healing can happen [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] all you ladies yo [ __ ] like this [Music] [Music] just like you should [Music] and [Music] my i [Music] you

2021-04-30 21:53

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