Kardashians And The Chamber Of Secrets
- Welcome to Diagon Alley, baby sister. (eerie music) - Are you sure we're in the right place? - Of course we are. We know this place like the back of our backs. - Then why does that sign say Knockturn Alley? - Oh my God, I can't believe it.
They've changed the name of the alley. - Sounds like the Kardasims are lost, but it's okay. An honor it will be to guide you back home.
- What the f- - My name is Dobby. - Dubbie? - Dobby! Simericans always get Dobby's name wrong. - What do you mean you'll take us back home? - Yeah, we just got here.
- It is not safe for Kardasims. You will be harmed at Hogwarts. Terrible things will happen.
- Sounds like a good time. - No! No good time, only bad time! If Dobby doesn't bring you home, Dobby fails! (head thudding) Fail, fail, fail! - Honestly, this only makes me want to go more. - Five bucks says he knocks himself out in 30 seconds. - Fail, fail, fail. - Kardasims? - Caitlyn. - What are you doing around here? You shouldn't be in Knockturn Alley.
It's a dodgy place. I would never come here. - [Citizen] Oy, is that our Caitlyn? - Hey babe. - I thought you said- - Let's get you girls out of here. (light music) So, they're really gonna let you go back to Hogwarts? Even after everything that happened last year? - Yep. - They can't ban us, we're rich.
- True. I've gotta run, babes. Make sure you don't miss your train. - So, it's true. You're really coming back. That's wicked.
- Color me surprised, but strangely happy. - Nice to see you again, Ron. And? - You! You haven't seriously forgotten my name have you? - Of course we haven't, Wanda. - Wanda, that's it. - Really? You of all people can't remember my name? I was sent to hospital because of you. - I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Uh! I'll see you at school. - Wow, Hermione has such an attitude problem. - So rude. - Come on then, let's get our books. (ominous music) - Oh no.
- I should've known you three would be back. Anything for the famous Kardasims, it's not fair. - Leave them alone.
- You must be Kylie. The baby wizard. - Yeah, I'm only here 'cause the robes look cool. - None of you should be here. You don't deserve it. - My nose doesn't deserve your hot ass breath.
- I'm gonna make this year at Hogwarts your last. - Bitch. - Go Kylie, you first. Just get straight through the wall.
- Okay - Me next, but this time I'm gonna put a little spice on it. (body thudding) Oh my God! - Oh no, the wall's gone solid. We're too late. - How are we gonna get there now? - Hold on. I've got my family's flying car! (upbeat music) - Kourtney, oh my God. - Calm down.
I know exactly what I'm doing. - You've flown a car before? - No. - [Khloe] Kourtney, watch out! - [Kourtney] It's fine.
(car crashing) - You crashed a car into the school! - It was so scary. My eyes flashed before my life. - Do you know what kind of damage you've done? - If it's any consolation, I broke my wand in the crash. - Quiet! How you three have even made it to another year is beyond me.
You should be expelled. - But they won't be, they have a special gift. - What gift? - I'm not sure, but if I keep saying that, maybe it'll mean something eventually. - All of them should be punished. Don't you think so, Professor Spears? - You're right.
You've been here for five minutes and you've already destroyed property, sending one of our teachers into a coma. - He should've watched where he was going. - You drove the car into him. So.
- And what's their punishment? Expulsion? Torture? Public humiliation? (laughing) - Even worse. - Detention. Really? But you just got here. - It's so unfair, we didn't even do anything.
- My mom's gonna kill me. - She should. This is all your fault. - Mine? - You shouldn't have let Kourtney drive. - She stole the keys and threatened to push me out midair. - You're so sensitive.
(camera clicking) - What the hell? - Hi, I'm Katy. I'm a huge Kardasim fan. Can I get some pictures with you? - No. - [Taylor] Of course you have groupies. - Are you stalking us? - You wish. If anyone should have their picture taken, it's me.
- I'm sure Katy will give you a call if she needs a picture of a jackass. - Just leave, Taylor, we don't want any trouble. - Stay out of this, Mudblood. - You've taken it too far, Taylor. (beep) slugs! (magic exploding) (Ron thudding) - Ron, Ron, are you okay? - Oh, oh. (Ron farting) (crowd gasping) (girls laughing) I'm gonna need a new robe.
- Pathetic. - What did Taylor mean when she called you a Mudblood? What is that? - It's an awful word. Disgusting, really? It means dirty blood. Someone who's Muggle-born, like me. It's an ugly term. One that's...
I should've seen that coming. (Ron farting) Ron, for the love of God. - Damn, I look good. - Um, isn't this supposed to be detention? - Yes, yes, detention. Tell me girls, have you ever looked at your reflection and just thought, I'd hit that? - Yes.
- [Voice] Shampoo. - Did you hear that creepy voice? - Yeah, what the hell was that? - Sounded like it said shampoo. - Let's sneak out and follow it.
(door clicking) - You, Master Lockhart, are a golden God. - [Voice] Rinse twice. Condition.
Blow dry. - Guys, I thought you were in detention. - Do you hear the voice? - What voice? - We keep hearing a voice. - [Voice] Braids.
Dreadlocks. - It's coming from that way. - What's going on? (ominous music) - Hair, surely that's supposed to be H-E-I-R.
- The chamber of secrets? - Hey! Who did this? - Hermione. - What? - Do you know how long it takes to wash blood off these walls? Not even magic gets all this (beep). - We didn't do it. - Curious. I saw none of you at dinner this evening.
- The Kardashians were hearing voices and- - No, no we weren't. We heard nothing. - Why are you looking at me like that? - Because (laughing) we heard nothing.
- You distinctly said you heard a voice. - No, we didn't you stupid bitch. - Whatever. I want this mess cleaned up by sunrise. - You really shouldn't make up stories, Hermione.
You sound like a fool. - Why didn't you tell them about the voice? - The last thing we need is another reason for them to think we're crazy. - Pretty sure they already do.
- Whatever voice you heard that led you to this sounds dangerous. I'd be careful if I were you. - Today, we will be turning glasses into chicken and then the chicken into deep fried drumsticks (laughing).
Let us begin. - Professor Spears? - Yes. - What's the chamber of secrets? - Oh, I don't think I should talk about that. - We saw blood on the wall. Spill the tea.
- She's right. I think we're entitled to an explanation or tea. - Fine. As you know, Hogwarts was founded by Gaga Gryffindor, Horny Hufflepuff, Reese's Buttercup Ravenclaw, and Silky Slytherin. Slytherin, well, he was a bitch. - No surprise, but why? - Slytherin had a thing for hair? In fact, he believed he had the most luscious locks of all wizards.
He wanted to admit nothing but pure bled students with perfect hair to Hogwarts, not Muggle-borns like Hermione. - Hey! - The other founders disagreed and made Slytherin take his fetish elsewhere. He was so pissed he created the chamber of secrets and only someone he deems has amazing hair can open it. - What's inside of it? - A monster. Or some wigs, who knows (giggling)? - Gather round students.
Today you will watch a magical battle. - Let's begin. (wand whipping) (Gilderoy screeching) - Not between us.
Are you mad? Our students shall battle. - Very well. Taylor. - Yes, and Kim, come on up. Now, play fair children. - Errectnippleus! (magic exploding) (Kim grunting) - Bigassamus! (magic exploding) (Taylor grunting) - I don't know who to root for.
- Snakes-r-us! (snake hissing) - Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. - [Kardashians] Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. (ominous music) - What? - You're Parselmouths! - You're a Parselmouth, (beep) you.
- No, it means you can speak to snakes. - We were just telling it to go away. - Usually only darker wizards can speak to snakes. - Cool. - No, not cool.
The Slytherin house symbol is a serpent. - Not seeing the problem. - That spells trouble. What if somehow you three are the ones with the hair that can open the chamber of secrets? - We better get to class, Hermione. It's probably best for you three to lay low for now. - I agree, but if you're staying in here, look out for, her.
- Look out for who? - [Cardi] I think she means me. - What the hell? - I'm Crying Cardi. I died here 50 years ago and been haunting this bitch ever since. - Did you die from that haircut? - My hair is just fine, okkkrrr! - Honey, there's no need to lie to yourself in the afterlife. - I love my hair just the way it is (crying). - Let's leave before she comes back.
- You guys, what if we are evil? - That'd be amazing. - Oh my God, Katy, go away. - We're not in the mood for pictures. - Get out of here. (body thudding) - (gasp) What have you done? - We didn't do it.
(ominous music) - There, that's better. Katy, get off the floor, you'll dirty your robe. Off to bed you three. - We seriously need to know what's going on with this hair thing. - Yeah. Everyone thinks we're evil.
- What's that? - [Voice] Hair dye. - It's that voice again? - Tom Riddle 50 years ago. - That's very detailed. - 50 years ago? Who would have been here? - Caitlin was here 50 years ago. She has a lot of hair.
What if it's her? - Girls? You must come quick to the hospital wing. We found her like this near the library. - This is bad. This is so bad.
- It's not that bad. - Caitlin, what do you know about the chamber of secrets? - Nothing. - Do you know about Tom Riddle? - Tom Riddle? Yeah.
He was always staring at my head. - Sounds fishy. - Look, I can't talk much here, but if you want answers, spiders. - Guys look. - This school needs an exterminator. - I've never seen spiders move like this before.
- Maybe what Caitlyn said was a clue. I hate spiders, but maybe we should follow them. - Maybe we should follow them.
Let's get lost in the forest, chip chip cheerio. - I don't sound like that and we're not lost. Their taking us somewhere.
(deep growl) - What the hell is that? - Crikey. That's my car! - Great. Let's move on. - The spiders stop here. - Um, guys! - [Spider] Is there someone in my house? Love that. - We're friends of Caitlyn. Do you know about the chamber of secrets? - [Spider] Yeeess.
- Did Caitlyn open it? - [Spider] She would never do such a thing. - Wait, so you're not the monster from the chamber? - No! Spiders are scared of that thing. - Do you know who last opened the chamber of secrets? - [Spider] No, but the 50 year old saying goes, "The opening lies, where bad hair died." That's all I know.
- Oh, okay. Thank you. We'll just leave then. - [Spider] Leave! (laughing) You're not going anywhere. My baby's haven't fed in awhile and, bitch, they're hungry.
(intense music) (spiders hissing) - Oh! - Run! - Do you think Ron's okay? - His car saved him. He'll be fine. - I heard he got bit over 30 times. - That's not too bad.
- He probably won't have children. - We have a mission to focus on, okay? We don't have time to think about anything else. - [Spears] Oh, it's so horrible. - A student has been kidnapped? - Yes, the Kardasim sister, Kylie. It happened late last night.
We think she's been taken to the chamber of secrets. - Not that I particularly care, but we're I should tell Nicki. - Agreed, after dinner then, it's Taco Tuesday. - Oh, yummy. - Did you hear that? - Yeah, we should get a taco before they run out.
- No. Our sister has been taken into the chamber of secrets. We have to rescue her. - But we don't know where the entrance is. We just have that clue about bad hair. - Wait.
Who do we know has bad hair? - [Both] Hermione? - No, from 50 years ago. - Lemme guess, you're here to talk more shit about my hair. - Later. We need to save our baby sister.
- And how am I gonna help with that? - Where exactly did you die in here? - Right by that water fountain. - That's gotta be the entrance. - You guys wanna hang out? - No. - Y'all are so mean (crying)! - Let's do it.
- [All] Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh. - Wait girls, you're gonna need this. - Professor Nicki, can you come in and help us? - Hell no, I might die.
You crazy? Good luck. - Kylie! - Kylie! Kylie wake up. - She can't hear you.
- Tom Riddle? - In the flesh. Well, partially. I'm a memory preserved thanks to that diary. - Can you help us save our sister? We have to get out of here before the monster comes. - Now, why would I do that? The weaker she grows, the stronger I get. - She's dying.
- Yes. To be fair, I do owe her a lot. She is the one that reopened the chamber of secrets after all. - No. - Yes. - No. - Yes.
- No. - She wouldn't. - Oh, but she did.
And it surprisingly didn't take much to convince her either. I offered her some free lip gloss and she agreed in seconds. - Kylie, you're so dumb. - After that, I had her write the message on the walls. She tried to get rid of the diary.
Said she hid it somewhere secret. - We literally found it in the hallway on the floor. - Precisely, you found my diary. You found me. - Okay. You got us, but why?
- You three have it so easy with your long locks and your bountiful hair, rubbing it in my face just like Caitlyn and the others. - What are you talking about? You have hair too. - Do I? (velcro ripping) - You wear a wig.
- It's a toupee. - Yeah, a wig. - I have what it takes to be Slytherin's greatest follower, but I'm missing one thing. - Hair. - I started balding when I was three.
By the time I entered Hogwarts, I was left with this. I was ashamed. How could I dare to possess the power of Lord Slytherin with a head like this? - I'm embarrassed for you. - You all take it for granted, walking around letting the breeze run through your hair like you're in a Maybelline commercial. It should be me.
Voldemort deserves luscious locks that just don't quit. - Wait. Voldemort? - (laughing) You haven't figured it out yet.
Let me help you. - Ooh. - Wait. No, it's been a while. Hang on. - I am Lord Toe the fifth? - (beep) It's supposed to say I am Lord Voldemort, okay? It was supposed to be like this cool reveal. - Lame. - Screw it.
Release the serpent. (serpent hissing) (head smacking) It has trouble seeing. (serpent hissing) (girls yelling) - Why? - Kim! - Hey, you dumb snake.
Over here. - Can someone take this tooth out of my ass? - Bet you feel the poison coursing through your body already, don't you? - No. - Fake ass. She's immune to venom.
- Doesn't matter. My hair transplant is almost complete. Soon your precious Kylie will be dead and I'll be back. (ominous laughing) It's a good thing I didn't tell you all my power is in that diary. No, wait (beep).
(tooth slicing) No! My hair! - [Khloe] Kylie? - Hey, what'd I miss? - [Ron] I can't believe you left me for dead. - Stop being a baby, you survived. - Look, it's Hermione. (bright music) - Oh, hi.
- Everyone settledown. I am not happy to announce that the Kardasims have once again saved the school. - Why wouldn't you be happy? - We saved your life. - Because you damage school property. Do you know how much (beep) I get from the top because of that? Nicki Minaj doesn't have insurance! I got four lawsuits I need to settle thanks to your asses! (Nicki crying) I'm broke! - [Kourtney] You're welcome.