I filmed only my saddest moments for a week
Hello. My people, hello, well, that felt a lot like musically, I try to become well-known, unmusical II and it kind of failed they never accepted me so, I'm. Just gonna put it in my videos now before. We talk about the video idea though hello I have a giveaway from my people I'm going to be giving away Hot, Topic merch if you follow both, instagrams, at Jesse ph e. And. At, Jesse trash, I. Put, it through a lower version. Okay. Yes I have an account for my trash long story and, if you think that more people should start posting some, of their real authentic, vulnerable, moments online let's, get this to 25,000. Like or if you ever just get really I don't know jealous, looking at someone's Instagram, or, if you just ever feel insecure about your own life when you look at other portrayals. Of people's lives it seemed very unattainable, and so on if you just ever feel insecure and, it would mean a lot I'm watching, you I know my kids can do it 25,000. Likes I'm watching, you I love and appreciate you all and you all really enjoy my videos where I open. Up I think it's because for me personally I love just showing the side to myself that are human online I think it's so incredibly valuable and impactful. And, I hope that people can relate, to this so I like to make videos that have messaging, behind them and for this one I decided to upload a video where for a whole entire week I decided to only vlog my vulnerable, moments, they're not incredibly, sad I didn't film anything like mid panic attack or anything like that I didn't think that would be productive it's more me just talking about how I feel not only did I talk about why I felt vulnerable but, then what I did to make myself feel better so, that would be productive I loved this video idea I think it's so great whether it's feeling insecure because they don't have colored hair anymore and feeling, like that's a huge part of my identity or, whatever. It is I got really, really, really personal, in this video and every time I felt something it. A bit of insecurity I decided to film how I felt and then also film, how I was going to help myself and I think there's so, much power with that and it, just shows us that no matter who we are we're all human. And that means that sometimes we're, a little broken but we also know. How to fix ourselves and we're learning on, fixing ourselves, even better and more proficiently, that's what my channel is about yeah. Authentically. Portraying, mental health messaging, yeah so hope you guys enjoy and let's. Get started wait for one week I'm going to be filming all the moments where I feel vulnerable. So that sadness and security, and I'm just gonna be documenting, just genuine. Honesty, so I had, a, really, really really really really. Bad. Day yesterday the feelings, are still just. Circulating, so, I lived. By myself and, I've lived by myself since I was 17, and I'm, so, introverted like, I am one of the most introverted people I know if, that makes sense living. Alone has been really good for me but really bad, for me in a lot of ways too I think I'd still be able to get MySpace if I lived with someone else and be able to get a healthier, balance and, just be happier cuz I tend to kind, of isolate myself. And that, would allow for me it's just really not isolating, myself so I'm looking at moving into a house potentially, I'd be paying way less money than I'm paying here which it doesn't sound like it but if you rent a house and like have so many people splitting it can actually save a lot of money that means more, money right directly, into my career and investing, for you guys which is so exciting but I don't. Have a car here so I lived everywhere or uber, and my, uber driver got, in an accident it, was terrifying, an accident, is scary no matter who you are especially with an uber, when you're not even in your own car like your own safe space think you're already out of your element it was really, scary it. Just reminded me of how little control. I have over the, universe, and what happens to me and what happens to my loved ones and it's just I don't know I just like that's been just laying, on my mind and I had it had anxiety, since.
My, Puppy, had, his seizure. And. I didn't know if I'd be able to keep him so getting. Like quite a relapse without definitely, a little bit nerve-racking, but everything. Worked out drivers, safe I am safe I feel positive I feel, good I feel a little bit lonely and scared. I guess about the world, I don't know I feel, like I don't want to leave my apartment today. I don't want to do anything I'm like reminding, myself life, has to go on every, day there are going to be risks you know you're not gonna be in a comfortable situation all, the time and that's, how we all grow as people and that's a magical. Thing also I'm getting a little bit sick which was another fun I did, like a ginger shot and stuff like that and I'm. Going to pray that I get better today, was, a really interesting day I. Tweeted. Yesterday, about, social anxiety and, my, tweet I don't remember exactly how articulate, at it but essentially it was wording, how social, media tends to portray social, anxiety, as oh my gosh I hate everyone and, I love Netflix and, lol, I love pizza and ice cream and sitting at home and watching movies, and I think it's really important, to realize that social anxiety, is so, much more than that it's different for every human being and, what's really cool is a lot of people were voicing, their different opinions it's your voice being stifled it's, wanting to speak and not being able to it's having opinions and feeling that they aren't valid, it's, so, many things I grew up with severe, social anxiety so, it's just like a very personal, topic for me but anyways um I was a Twitter moment, and the tweet went viral which is really cool out. Of any tweet go viral that one was incredibly, personal I mean a lot of mine are but yeah it was really cool but. I'm, feeling, a little bit defeated, I feel, I hate. Change, I hate. Changed so much one, of my really, really really really really really, good friends that's just been here, for me through everything, is moving, away tomorrow. And it's, just it's really hard because, we just got to know each other and this person it just means a lot to me and has, helped me a lot with my own identity death, if you don't know who she is her name is death my, queen she makes a lot of LGBT related, content, and comedy, as well and, she's, moving away and it's just like it's really hard and I'm really busy the next two days and I'm like trying to make time and it's so hard. I don't know I just. Change, sucks man I mean it's so good we all need it and I'm happy, that she's like she's going to NYU grad, like I'm really proud but. It's just uh I feel. Emotional, and I've also like kind of like avoiding, seeing, her because it, hurts you. Know and, that, also it doesn't make me feel good at the same time either way does it it hurts it just hurts so it's like a sentimental. Feeling of feeling down it'sit's realizing. That a lot of things in life aren't forever, and situations. Change and it's not like I'm never gonna see her again like she's moon in New York City I grew up in northern New Jersey it's just difficult.
Hello. Today. I, had. A, little bit of anxiety. Which, is normal, it wasn't, incredible. And it's not, as bad as it used to be back, over the summer it was like constant. Feeling like I couldn't breathe it was just a little bit just a little bit of moments and it's just trying to give all of myself to, everyone I can't do it and I think I need to realize that also, important, thing quality. Of friends over quantity like there are a lot of people that just aren't there for me and that's okay like we just totally like our personalities, aren't totally the same and like I just need to really, focus on the people that I love and I care about like my really good friends and if just like come to that realization so, I think documenting. This is important. But yeah it just also, made. Me feel insecure. That's, also something I've been facing a little bit today just, a little bit of insecurity, my blue hair doesn't remind me of happy times in my life but I still sometimes. Feel. As, if, I'm not. Interesting. Or. Eclectic. Or unique, without, my, colored hair like I'm like I'm boring, with my blonde but my blonde makes me feel really cool and it reminds me of my mom and my mom's like a really big role model in my life and I'm, able to wear every bit of clothing in my closet, and I appreciate, colored hair even more because I'm able to wear wigs so like it's. Definitely, been a lot but I think that insecurity, is slowly, fading a little bit more and just being hard on myself about, numbers and stuff you know I'm like maybe it's because of my blonde hair and I I don't know I just I shouldn't blame myself for, that you know it's, just like when something, goes wrong and it starts, going wrong after I changed, my hair color I assume it's because of my hair color which isn't fair to myself is this hair color makes me happy, I just wanted to update you I've always wanted to cosplay I love cosplay and, I, cosplayed. As 11. And it was a lot of fun look at my 11 dress. Makes. Me feel so pretty, anything else I want to say I'm gonna go eat food it's like 9 p.m. i facetimed my friend Jaclyn I love her so much if you're watching this just tweet at Jacqueline, Glenn and they, Jessi, Paige told me to tell you that you're a queen because, she's been, there for me through like some, of the worst times in my life and she is an incredible human and she's so intelligent and hilarious and, ok that's, it just me time me appreciate my friends and I appreciate my quality, friends, over quantity it's not about how many friends you have it's about having friends that are there for you I have a large quantity of relationships. And people I talk to you and there isn't always potential, for all those relationships to, have quality, to be a quality relationship and, I'm part of myself about that but it's not possible to give my everything to everyone especially when, they don't reciprocate that so don't be so hard on yourself Jessi ok, so. I'm, over myself and Tiffany. Is looking, for the car. It's been almost an hour and I'm getting, dust and I've been off since 6:00 a.m. I'm. Not gonna lie I'm a little nervous and, I'm kind of scared standing, here for myself, really. Scared. Boy. I'm, nervous hello, my people so I just got back from the premiere and it was so much fun i sat, next to the meryl twins and I got to see Jordan, and Casey where I haven't seen in forever, I watched. The movie they contacted, me to promote the movie on Instagram, but I the movie like impacted, me so much that I'm just gonna mention in my vlog I'm not getting people to actually thought it was a great movie but every but the messaging, like that's why I promoted it it's so great she realizes, that it, was just her confidence, that got her to where she was and, not, the way she looked it's all about confidence, and like appearance. And, judging, people at first and, insecurities. And, how everyone, has insecurities. I thought it was remarkable and it was done really, well but anyways then there was an after-party and I just like I don't do, well in social. Situations, with a, lot of people I don't know I don't know like if it's like five of my really good friends, I am like the most like happy, and like extroverted, person, I don't know I felt really out of place and claustrophobic it's crazy how I can feel the, most lonely, when I'm surrounded by people that make sense it just depends on the people if we did this the other day but I've never been at a house party like, I've just gonna like these like formal, like event for, youtubers.
Like You know what I mean so yeah it was really different but it's okay I went home and I like recognized, that that situation just wasn't the best for me and it's okay and I saw Jacqueline, my queen, there oh and I also I, don't know I was kind of nostalgic, because I saw my whole cast from guilty party I saw miles my, king and I saw teyla and, valet and, I don't know it just reminded, me it just sucks and you like don't see people for such a long time and it just reminds me that like one way that you're feeling and one exact, lifestyle, you have most, likely will, change, in a few months you know even if it's just one little thing like things aren't stagnant, and that's like an incredible, thing and life would be boring but also it can just it can be sad knowing you don't see friends, you got to see as much or you know, no it just like reminded me of that just like in life it's just a crazy concept life is weird moments, like that make, mean almost, relapse, when it comes to like my social, anxiety growing. Up I had severe, severe severe, social anxiety and. Along, with that came selective, mutism and I think I definitely faced. That sometimes, like when I'm not in the right situation. I definitely, find myself wanting, to curl, up and give you but okay. I'm getting better when I met some subscribers tonight, and that was really cool and I'm dyeing my hair like, this I love, it too much I'm literally, like can't imagine, not doing this hair it is the, coolest thing it feels very me it's like the perfect makes, it like starting, to get more mature Jesse, Paige and like not damaging, my hair as much but also like fun color Jessie Paige cuz that's just my personality, also I've started, to, on. My Instagram, I've just started to post more videos versus. Photos and it makes me so much happier, I don't know it's just like with a video like you capture a moment and you get accents, of personality. Versus my photo just like you sure I can definitely portray, my personality, and photos to bits a lot easier in video and streaming, you don't want my Instagram, to just be like hey like this is what I look like like, I wanted to be like this is what I'm about this is what I stand for this, is my, humor, as. Stupid, as it is you know what I mean that's always my goal, yeah and just being genuine. Off and authentic it's just what I strive to do though I was just thinking about that and I think it felt uneasy tonight, because it kind of scares me because it's something new but it's something really, exciting, too yeah okay. It. Is currently at 6:40, a.m. which, is incredibly. Early and you're like why are you weak Jessie like I want to sleep at 1:00 a.m. and it's because no, matter what time I go to sleep I've been waking up really early ever, since I came back from Florida okay so this, whole video is just showing you like all that aspects, of my life that aren't perfect so I thought it would show that it's been happening for a month everyday, like I've been feeling, pretty exhausted. They haven't been getting enough sleep because, I've had a like stay up for various things which sucks I don't want to be awake right now but I'm not able to go back to sleep like I just haven't been and it sucks, about. Nothing to do would I just sit around like. For. Like an hour and a half just trying to wake up because like it's it feels unnatural, yes. All I want to just sleep but I think tonight I'm gonna go to sleep like 10:30, just tell myself like Jesse you are going to sleep at 10:30 no matter what because if I go to sleep at 10:30 then, I think I'll get, enough sleep it's just I don't want to go to sleep at 10:30, Frank and I hang out until like 1:00 I am it tonight minute I like I go to parties I don't been, like one in my life and I've never been like a house, high school party it'll be like a YouTube or after party at VidCon, so, yeah, it gets kind of lonely waking, up this early and stuff, like that but the good thing is in New York City this weekend, so that'll be like the one time it'll come into handy I just feel a little. I. Really like the concept of this video I was watching, someone's, vlog we're talking middle little girls watch our vlogs and she heard that they tell their parents that they're concerned that they don't look the way she does or have the life that she does I don't know I've actually gotten quite a few comments, on my Instagram I, think this is what's the most fascinating to, me like as an influencer, now I get comments to my Instagram, saying things like like, I want your life not too many like just a few and it's, just interesting to me because I live my life and, I did the ugly I guess and I'm, like really like.
This Not. As in I hate my life just, isn't like I see the messy parts of it too and like not to say I'm not incredibly. Grateful because I'm so incredibly grateful but with any person's, life there just comes hardship, and yeah, I just I thought that was really interesting on a brighter note though, I've, always been really insecure about my skin and I still have the little areas, like when I go live on Instagram, I have a lot of people there, like wash your face like I do I, don't never understand, it when people say that it's like acne can be very you know it can be based off genetics, it can even be linked to disease and I think saying that is incredibly, wrong like I don't try to get rid of it like it's it's out of my control and, that's what sucks and like that really like hits the insecurities, but um anyway, starting to get a little bit more clear I've started putting on like bought treatments, and that's really been helping a lot so yeah. Hello, it's, currently, Monday. And I, just came back from New York City which was so incredible, was a lot of fun I love meeting my people I had a lot of like beautiful stories that I heard this past weekend, from all of you and it really makes me happy but I got kind of emotional adesh even like mothers tell me their stories too like it's just I don't know I'm just so genuinely, appreciative. But I just came back and I realized that I'm just like I've been over committing, myself recently and like I've just been doing more than I actually physically. Can and I, mean I just said a music festival a few days ago and then three days later I went to New York City and then was there for three days and then three days later and now my comb and I'm going to Florida again in three days and it's I don't know I like to be busy so I don't have time alone to sometimes be like trapped, in my thoughts and because. Of that like I tend to like want to do everything and, so on and it's all live in the moment but like sometimes living, in the moment is, in a way it's doing something everyday sometimes, living in the moment it's just having when you really crave a day at home where you just watch movies it's just doing that and listening to not, only your body but your mind cuz that's so incredibly important, and I think that's something that I've realized and in the future I'm just gonna start, just, remembering, that in order to live in the moment and to fully you know embrace, life and to could experience, things full-on you don't always have to be doing things 24/7, because you're not gonna enjoy those experiences. If you're, exhausted. Physically and mentally and I think it sucks because it, wasn't until it started affecting me physically that I actually started listening and I tend to do that we all tend to do that it's a thing I know. In my heart that mental, health is, just as, important, as physical health and I think they totally go hand in hand like I personally really, believe that sometimes when I have a really good like happy day if I wake up and I start feeling sick but then I have a really good happy day even if it's super busy like my I'll wake up the next morning and I'll feel ten times better versus, if I'm like bedridden, but I'm like not genuinely, happy and present, then I'll wake up the next morning and feel worse that's for me personally that's really what I've observed especially. Stressed. Dress is horrible for the immune system today like, I feel physically, exhausted. And I'm like wow I'm also mentally, exhausted, and I've felt, this way for a while but one, thing that really is making, me so incredibly excited, is get to me the one you guys I don't know I just I love playlists just for that reason getting, to meet you all I think I'm gonna wear my little rainbow t-shirt, I'm excited, for that I just love my people and I am coming, to a lot of like really smart. Realizations. Right now and I'm proud of myself yeah hope you guys enjoyed this video I'm really proud of myself for uploading, it and thank, you for listening like, genuinely, I love, my people a lot I just I need to like tell you that more often just I'm proud, of you all thank you for listening and thank you for caring, like I just, I stand you all slams.
Table So, I'm gonna feature your, pages I love, your username so we stand creative, kids and also. If you're new my branding, is being a father, it started, ironically, and now it's like actually, happening. I'm. A daddy and yes my shirt is a ton of Jigglypuff on it I love. You all and I, will see, you guys in the future we.