Fahim Anwar: There’s No Business Like Show Business - Full Special
Ladies. And gentlemen, please welcome to, the stage Fahim. Anwar. Thank, you. Thank. You. Thank, you. So. Much thank you for coming to my special, guys, really. Could be shooting it here in LA, I've. Lived it for like 10 years now I don't, love it. Just. Because everyone out here is trying to make it you, know everyone's, delusional. Like. You could walk up to any random person in Hollywood and be like hey I'm a big, fan. They'd. Be like thank you. We. Appreciate it. Even. If they were just a walker on the walking day. Maybe. Like you're familiar with my work. Does. This ring a bell. Just. Me. Just. Me bro a. Lot. Of lozenges, in that hey you know it's gonna coat. The throat. So. Funny like nobody nobody, wants to grow up out, here, everyone. Has Peter Pan syndrome. That's. Why everyone dresses so weird in LA it's. Like everyone's closet in Hollywood, is just a lost-and-found box. Yeah. Alright. Friday night what do we got we'll. Do vest with no shirt on. Sombrero. In ski boots. Everyone. On Sunset Boulevard just looks like a Sims character. No. I keep walking, you. Wanna fuck no all right okay. Don't. Get discouraged I. Live. Although outside of Hollywood I live in Koreatown. Yeah. You. Know you're not doing well when you live in another ethnic, groups a town. There's. This McDonald's I'll, go to sometimes, just, to get out of the house and. You, got to break up the day you know so I. Go. There I get a tea the. Guy gives me the tea and. I go to have any honey, any. Other honey. Look. I just blew his mind. Like. He's never heard of that combo before oh yeah. Honey he, goes oh let. Me check. He. Goes in the back for way too long I don't. See him for like 20 minutes, then. He pops out and it goes we've got like honey mustard. Like. Why why, would you suggest that. Like. That's even an option, is. Anyone like that's the same shit, yeah. Bring that out give me a barbecue sauce. Or. Chipotle mayo I'm trying to make the most disgusting, cup of tea. Ever. Known to man, do. You have a raw hot dog you could pop into there. The. Tea will cook it, it'll. Be like a fucked-up, version of foie. Like. That went through several logic, gates in his mind, and. He was still like we got a monster. In. Case you got like a coffee filter and you can like filter out the master. Maybe. You got like a butane. Lighter and, you can burn off the master. You. Come a guy lers and honey out of his dog don't. Give up I believe in you I. Was. Walking around my neighborhood it was a super sunny day and, then. It just started raining out of nowhere it's like really hard and I, passed this block and. There was his Mexican dude selling, all these umbrellas, and. I was like that was pretty fast. Like. Where did he get all those umbrellas. That. Fast. And. Then I realized Mexicans, in LA or just always selling what you need before you even know you need it. You. Ever got a romantic dinner date with a girl and then out of nowhere there's like roses. Just. Like a duck hunt dog roses. You'll. Be coming out of a club at 2:00 a.m. like off fuck man I'm starving, tapas. Tapas. That I grill on a shopping cart. Is. This a slow over here, I. Like. How no one will eat at a berated restaurant but they'll eat at shopping cart tacos all day oh. Good. Ten. Tacos for a nickel that's crazy dude how do they.
It's. Not. There. Just always selling what you need before you even know you need it you know your. Plane could be going down if. You look in the aisle there's a Mexican guy like parachute. Atishoo. Senior. Parachute, for the lady. There's. A lot of pigeons in my neighborhood I. Like. Pigeons. Kitchens. Are like the hipsters of birds. Because. They have the ability to fly, but. Choose not to. You're. Like what are you flying. Yeah. I used to do that. This. Is my new jam I. Was. Sitting on a bench in my neighborhood in front of this uh like, huge flight of stairs and, I thought this pigeon was gonna like flap down all of them but, he literally just took the stairs. Then. He looked at me went leg day. Now. If you'll excuse me I have to whip this french fry into smaller pieces with my beak. Some. People don't like pigeons they think they're a nuisance. You. Know like flies nobody, gives a shit about flies, you. Swat them you like fucking get out of here. But. We don't do that with bees really. Right because. Bees have the ability, to sting you so. There's a level of respect. Abbi. Is basically a fly with a gun. People. Act the same way too like oh shit it's beat whatever. Walks. Honey. Okay. This. Alone, here's. An empty coke can just fucking leave. The. Bees like well well well. What. Do we got here. Oh, dis. Potato salad. You. Don't mind if I walk around all over it right quick do you. What's. Going to about it. He's, right. It's. Mom picnic, now. Fuck. Your son it's lame. This. Is a fun show this is like ideal for stand-up like you know great crowd I did do stand-up on a hip-hop show recently. Which. Is the worst. Because. It's a very different energy you, know everybody, was Wilin out for the hip-hop they. Were like. Alright, now, we've got a stand-up comedian. Oh. My. God how's. That ready tonight. Y'all. Better to have way less fun. Y'all. Better to bring the energy way, down. Doctor, sleeping bags. Cuz. It's not to get drowsy up in here. That's. Like a girl jerking a dude off it's like I'm about to cum just like before you do please welcome our. Hey. What's up I. Know. You're getting jerked off right now but. These are some things I was thinking about earlier today. Just. Want to run it by you before you jizz it that's cool I. Had. To do stand-up, on an urban show. Recently. And urban. Show is a little different, than like a regular stand-up. Show first, of all there's always a DJ, in the background, and sometimes. You'll chime in sometimes it'll be like haha. That's. Crazy, I. Noticed. All the comments whenever they got introduced they wouldn't just come up and do their jokes they would like dance, for a little bit before. Him, she. Would be like all right I want y'all to make it loud. Yeah. I feel tonight y'all good. Every. Single one of them did that. Okay. When it first on the show I didn't. Know that was an option. Next. Time I get booked on the show I want to do that but like dance for way too long. All. Right I want y'all to make it loud. Yeah. Yeah. How y'all feeling tonight I'm at a time. I. Danced. For too long. My. Bad I. Like. Hip-hop I like old-school hip-hop like they were playing ain't no fun the other day and. He just hit me like hip hop when I was growing up I feel like was way more vulgar than it, is today, there's. A part in that song where Snoop Dogg he. Goes guess who's back in the motherfucking, Hales with a fat dick or your motherfucking, mouth. It's. Just so unnecessary you. Know. The. Song works without that. But. Snoops like nah it stays I. Feel. Like an old man when it comes to hip-hop nowadays, my. Gil kid yourself kendrick lamar's.
Trying. To bring about social change. Back. In my day we rapped about juicing on faces. That's. The rap music I know. We. Rapped about gargling, ball sacks. It. Was a simpler time in the 90s I. Would. Hop on my friends pegs and go to Circuit City to get to my music. And. If you didn't have pegs on the balance on two tiny screws. If. He went over a puddle I would gash my calf. Laid. Out in the Safeway parking lot I. Grew. Up on death row records, yeah. Yeah yeah. Like. Anything they, put out I would buy. What. A lot about death row is they would just have random women, sing, the hook right. Like nowadays it always be featuring Beyonce, or featuring Rihanna, they. Would just have random women, like. Nobody knows the chick who goes. She's. An out there. She's. Mopping, the floor at Arby's. Yeah. I'm the doggy-dog girl. From. The 90s. You. Forget to there like remember skits skits, used to be such a big part of the rap album and, a, lot of the skits were just sound effects of them having sex with women like, on. Dr. Dre's the chronic, there's an entire track where all you hear is. You. Like, that. Yeah. The doctors in. How. Are they getting that audio. Tear, boom guy in the bedroom. Got, some great stuff too right just keep pounding away. You're. Gonna like what you hear. Also. How insecure do you have to be as a rapper to put that on your album. Like. Yo you don't think I'm fuckin. Track. Eight. Looks. Like you don't need to do that you're dr. Dre everyone assumes you're having a ton of sex, like. Rock stars have been around for ages they don't do that, you'll. Never listened to a Beatles album, and after twist and shout. I. Saw. Straight. Out of Compton and W a movie you guys see that anybody yeah, it's great movie. You. Kind of forget that it's a period piece. It. Cuz it takes place in the mid nineties it feels very current, though feels hurry today but, there's one part in the movie where you're reminded, it's the mid-90s and, it's when easy he's in the hospital and, the doctor tells me his HIV because. He looks up with the doctor and he goes. And. Nobody. Corrects, him. Nobody's. Like easy that the term you can't really use anymore. Even. The doctor was like faggot or not too much make you have HIV. Sorry. Easy I. Saw. It in the movie theaters I like, whenever I'm at a movie theater and somebody has to cut across what, I'll do is like I'll fake tuck in I'll just do my upper half. From. Rap yeah you good yeah. I told you bro. Not, a problem at all I. Like. I pick up on movie cliches just, as a comedian those are like my favorite things these are some of my favorite movie cliches, there's. Always that scene in a movie where a girl and a guy they get back to one of their place and they're making out like like. Ripping each others clothes off so fast like. What's the rush. The. Only time I've ever gotten home and taken my pants off that fast is to take an emergency shit. Ah. Keep. A split-second before it becomes a story only you know about Oh. Too. Close. Usually. It's your own fault - you'll have like five cups of coffee and. Then. Hit the freeway during rush hour. You. Start forming, a contingency, plan in the event you do shit your pants okay. I need someone with a secluded area, is. There a marina nearby where I could Dexter over these pins. Just. In a speedboat with no pants on. Tire. Khakis, to a cinder block goodbye, my Dark Passenger. Another. Scene I like is when like they're making love in bed and the guys on top like. And. Then his phone rings like. Where. Were we I. Gotta. Take this. That. Would never happen in real life once. A guy starts, nothing, can derail him. There. Could be an earthquake like, shouldn't we get under a doorframe. Oh. Yeah. I'm by railroad tracks. Got. A gas leak now farted, stay where you are. Don't. Move. So. Nobody talks about protection. In the movies it's like everyone is straight-up raw doggin, I. Guess. It's not a good like a not a good as a movie if they're she's like hey do you have a condom is it oh, yeah. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking. This movie maybe in the sequel. Isn't. It crazy how many sperm cells there are and there's just one egg. That's. High-stakes, drama right, there. That. Should be a reality show like, millions. Of sperm one, egg. A. Baby. Last. Week we left off with Chad swimming around in a circle. Will. He get out of this pinch. And. Have cool profile intros and all the sperm cells. My. Name's traveling from the left nutsack. I'm. Gonna fertilize the egg, hello. My name is Christopher, and I'm not here to make friends. When. I really got kicked off they have to do that into camera confessional, he's. Like you know obviously. You. Know I didn't want to end up on the bedsheet. But. Let's. Bring the cameras oh fuck. Somebody. Told me I look like their goober driver the other day. Like. Why why would you tell somebody that.
That's. Something you keep inside your brain. What. Compel someone to be like no. He. Has to know. Everybody. Thinks uber and lyft nowadays I feel. Sorry for cab drivers, but. They're trying to trick people like. Why. Is your car yellow just talking but do you bother. Everybody. Thinks uber and lyft because it's slightly cheaper than a cab but. What you saving money you pay for in conversation. You'll. Be halfway through your trip and be like you know I guess. I never really did get over my parents divorce. Nope. I. Don't. Understand people will talk to their lyft drivers all day but if their cab drivers, were like what do you do for work maybe like enough with the chitchat I'll bet I. Don't. Pay you to talk. Did. You ever think that one day your cab drivers would just be random people, with free time on their hands. Never. How do you not know that one day your house won't be on fire and some 21 you're okay with a smart phone will show up look what's up on your firefighter oh. It's. Close to one of the blaze. Don't. Worry I brought a super soaker stand back. All. The pressures building up it's a good sign. Fuck. The fires a lot bigger than I thought it would be. The. Problem with uber and lyft is that it's made getting into random cars so commonplace, they. Go get into a truck looking into an SUV get. Into a smart car like I can take my car tonight just, go to a bar at 2:00 a.m. okay. Somebody gonna do Bert, some. Drunk I'd be like you guys later it's here. Hey. What's up man take me. And. I could just drive to the woods and murder this guy. You. Just be in his phone the whole time. Wait. This isn't West Hollywood. So. You. Know I'm in LA I do stand-up oh that's my main thing but I'll audition for stuff as well and it's. Not going very well. I'm. Getting a lot of one in Duns it'll. Be like that was great thanks for coming in, Mike. Really it didn't feel great no it's really good like, their face gets more contorted, the more they're lying to you. I. Want. To talk about one audition I had for, the Disney Channel. So. I. Went, out for the role of q-pop, who, are the hip hop dance instructor, so. There was two parts the audition, the first part was like a regular audition they had lines and scenes and then. The second part they wanted you to dance so like that's because it's a hip-hop dance instructor so. I finished the first part of the audition and the, guy looks up at me and he goes no. Dance for us. Like. A Roman, Emperor. The. Only way it would have been more belittling, is if he bit into a peach. Peach, I hit. The pit. And. They did they didn't have any music, in the audition. No. Boombox they. Just wanted to make it as sad as possible. So. I'm just dancing. In. Utter. Silence. All. You could literally hear was just the rustling of my clothes. And. Some of you don't know this about me but I used to be an aerospace engineer. I worked at Boeing for about three and a half years before I quit to do stand-up full time, you. Ever been outside your body observing. A situation. In. A moment of your life. There. Was a point during the audition, where I was like you, used. To build airplanes. The. Fuck is wrong with you. Then. His body rolled out of the audition. A. Little. Bit about me both. My parents are, from Afghanistan. That. Never gets that response when I do the road you. Hear a pin drop normally, when I say that. White. People don't know this but I'm like the Tom Cruise of Afghanistan. That's. Good. There's. An Afghan version of Top Gun I was the star I mean it's not a big deal times good. Yeah. Pairs for Afghanistan, it's the worst time to be a brown person, in America, right now, it's. Very strange, being the most feared ethnic group in the country. It's. Like move, over black, people. There's. A new kid in town. Links. Are keeping the seat warm. No. I take that back one-on-one. You. Probably be more afraid of a black guy. Than. You would me like it was a dark alley in the middle of night you'd, be more afraid of him than me. But. I'm public transportation, I. Feel. Like I win that one. Especially. If I was using the Nokia cell phone from the early 90s. I'm. Playing snake bro don't worry about it. Nobody. With an iphone blow themselves up right. You're. Like this guy's under two-year contract at least.
We're. Saying. But. If it's a shitty flip phone you like this guy's. Very. Overprotective. Parents. You don't have to fly around a lot doing stand-up and whenever my mom finds out about a gig she'll, call me up the night before she'll. Be like I went to a flight number I want. The name of the hotel you're staying ass, I, want, the phone number of the comedy, Booker I'm. Like what are you gonna do with this info, you. Live all the way in Seattle like if I die I die. My. Mom thinks she's Liam Neeson from taken. Like. If something were to happen to me she'd just call the comedy book her up like I have. A very special set of skills. Like. What are you gonna do he's just a mom. Look. Behind you look. My. Son my, mom thank God I gave his contact info untie, me. Sorry. Boys but I tell my mom everything. Oh. Growing. Up I was never allowed to partake, in sleepovers. Which. Is a very emeriti. You know what I'm talking about, white. People are like what line that makes no sense. It's. A very American, thing to do it's not a big deal, but. I wasn't allowed to and the reason being this is a very Middle Eastern fear is my parents, thought that I would get molested. These. Are my best friends that I've known for years. Years. I was like dad I'm not gonna get molested, and. My dad is like don't sell. Yourself short. You're. A very attractive child, I. Was. Like you're just saying that cuz you're my dad. You. Only mean that, he's. Like no pedophiles, were killed to get in those OshKosh B'gosh is, I. Mean. If I wasn't your dad. Growing. Up my dad he would always mistake, video games for real things that were happening on TV, all. The time like me and my brother would be playing NBA Jam and, my. Dad would walk into the room and be like oh the Lakers are playing the Celtics. Then. One of us would dunk from half-court you. 617. Front flips he's worried I'm bunking. Guys, good. I've. Ever seen my. What. Is this boom Shakalaka, the reporter keeps on talking about. Why. Is Will Smith on the Lakers. It. Must have been super awkward for him the following day it worked by the water cooler. You. Like you guys see that game last night. That'll. Be on SportsCenter, that 17th front flip dunk. Then. This Italian, guy got in the go-karts, and was driving around town. Banana. Peels everywhere, it's. A big turtle shell epidemic. Out. There. I'm. Curious who out here is dating anybody didn't clap if you're dating yeah. I've. Realized dating, is essentially, guys just. Pretending to have way more money than they really do. That's. All it is like, will take you to some fancy French restaurant, then we'll take you to go see a play, even. After all of that a lot of times a girl still won't like you. Which. Stings as a man because. That means she's not even into the rich version, of you. Women. Like tall guys I always hear that I'll, be like I need a tall man I, like. I feel safe. It's. 2016, you don't live in the fucking jungle. Cute. Such, a bullshit excuse to say you like tall guys yeah. What. If titties make me feel safe.
Also. Ladies you can't claim to be taller than me if you can't even walk in the shoes that make you taller than me, it'll. Be like I don't date short guys if you'll excuse me oh. That's. My favorite thing in the world just watching women in high heels walk down steep hills. This. Is like a baby calf being born. Why. Your hands always in front of you - and you're, gonna Tony Stark you're way out of it. Jarvis. Set coordinates for the club. Women. Like romantic comedies I, always hear that too you'll watch him and be like how. Come guys don't act like that in real life. But. You don't want that you would, be super turned off if guys act like that in real life like. If I walked up Juno's like. I. Need. You in my life. You'd. Be like what the fuck is wrong with this guy. This. Guy's way too into, me it's. Too much pressure. The. Only time guys act like they're in romantic comedies, is when a bunch of us are together and one. Of us gets a text message with the promise of sex, we'll. Be hanging out and just out of nowhere like boom. Yo. This chick says she's at my place wants to rip my pants off, and. Everyone's like what. Are you doing go, after. Donar. Her. She's. The one. Generally. Women are gone is skeptical, it's always like questioning, things even, guys you really like it's. Always questioning things you'll be on a date with a girl overlooking, the city's skyline and be like and, isn't. This beautiful should. Be like do. You do this with all the girls. It's. Not gonna join the view who. Is. That your move. You. Go on dates with girls and try to have sex with them. Yeah. That's. My move, that's. Every guys. Guys. Don't question things if, a guy's getting a bj behind a Chipotle dumpster. Wait. A second. That's. Your move. You. Just give BJ's, behind dumpsters. I. Don't. Even knocks on your belt Becky I. Don't. A snowflake. I'm. Just like the rest. There. Could be a line and, we wouldn't care. Okay. What's up. This. Thing moving fast or slow. I. Remember. I went on a date and at the end of the day I went. In for the kiss and then I got the pull back, nothing. Makes me feel like the Elephant Man faster than the pull back. The. One good thing about getting the pull back is at least you know where you stand in the relationship, you know no one gets to pull back and they're like alright, so, I see sometimes do. Weird. Of advice fellas, if you ever do go in for the kiss make sure you're at least in front of her place, because. One time I got the pullback in a parking structure oh, my. I still, gotta drive this chick oh. This. Is the most awkward car ride in my entire life, the. Turn signal had never been laughter. Mark. Turns remember, there being. Seems. More turns on the way back. When. I went in for the kiss she was like look. What are you doing. What. Do you mean what am i doing this is the fifth time we've hung out, like. How do you not know this might be on the way. Like. I hate when girls will play dumb or be oblivious to situations, they put themselves in like. Some girls will be on tinder no right if you're looking to hook up keep, looking. Okay. You're on tinder, naughty. Harmony. That's. Like a girl being behind a glory hole and being like I hope random cocks don't pop through this wall. That. Doesn't happen. Why. Is it so hard to find a good name halt, a. Cock. Pops through with an engagement ring on it. The. Same girth is my finger. It's. Kids knit I. Was. Driving, the, other day and I was waiting for this guy to cross, in front of my car. You know and then he shoots me one of these he goes. Like, he's Magneto. Like. I'm trying to run him over but I can't. You. Ever see somebody across the street comically slow, we're. Like this cannot be a real person, I'm. Fucking slow this person is walking I had. To wait for this elderly man. Every. Step was a miracle. He. Was walking so slow a black guy passed him. One. Time I was waiting for a blackout across the street and he was just walking in place.
Then. He took one step forward and. Started. Walking. Like. I said I always have to fly around doing shows and. Everyone. On the flight and you catch yourself watching somebody else's movie for way too long. Watching. Frozen with no sound for 40 minutes. It's. In front of my own headrest but I like, this version. I'm. Already mostly invested, I. Hate. Flying Southwest the. Most just. Because they're like the funny airline. Everybody. Who works there thinks they're a stand-up comedian. Which. Is aggravating, as a stand-up comedian how. Easy the crowd is on a plane it's. Very hard to do this for a living but on a Southwest, flight people just fucking give it up for anything like, it, is time we were turned off all I phones blackberries, and. Blueberries. I. Always. See families, traveling together at the airport and like parents will have their little kids pulling, these tiny spider-man. Suitcases, that, are, like this big. Just. Pack for your kid. Why. Does a toddler need his own suitcase I, just. Pictured this little kid waking up in the morning in his racecar bed like Oh No. Let's. See I'll need my ninja tools a. Scoop. Of ice cream it's a long flight I might get hungry. Wait. For me. He's. Just sitting in the shuttle the bag of Cheerios like that was close. The. Compote. Isn't. It crazy how much money we spent on plane tickets just. To get treated like shit, every. Step of the way I had. To fly one time the airport was dead nobody was there and they had that maize thing. So. I just I duck under and, this. Woman goes excuse me sir. Sorry. You. Need to go around, and. I'm like nobody's here, just. Let me do this you, need, to go around. This. This is what you wanted. This. Is the battle you've chosen for today, to. Watch a grown man go through a fucking maze. Pull. The block of cheese. You. Ever have them swab your hands for bomb juice when you're in line. Let's. Be like not so fast hands out I won't, see the real you is. Have. They ever caught anybody with that machine has. There ever been a terrorist in line like. Then. You've got to get into the body scanner right, or. They could see your dick. They. Could totally see your dick there's. Just some guy behind a monitor eating a bagel like sweet, dick bro. Bitch. God. I love my job. I. Don't. Want them to think I have a tiny dick when. I go through there so. What I do is like I rev it up. Try. Hop in. Just. Get it hot and ready like a Little Caesars Pizza you know. But. Sometimes I go too far. And. Then I'm sitting there with a raging bow. If. That happens though I turn the gun I go what can I say I. Love. To fly. Gets. Me off. One. Time I got to the gate for my flights and there was there. Was like five Middle Eastern dudes in, traditional. Garb you know they had like gowns turbans. Beards, and. All the white people were freaking it up there's. Just like sweating bullets like fuck it's going down. And. One of the guys he confided me it was like hey man how come you're not nervous about this, and. I was like do you think that if they were terrorists. They'd be dressed up like that. Okay. We're going to blow up the Southwest flight tomorrow so. Why should we have my extra big turban. To. Fly under the radar. Should. I bring my bowling ball with a weight coming out of it. It's. Crazy there's a lot of Islamophobia, going on nowadays, like. There's. This a munitions manufacturer, in Idaho, that's selling pork coded bullets. So. That if you shoot and kill a Muslim person it will prevent them from getting into paradise. How. Much do you fear Muslims when you're applying werewolf, rules. What. I think is gonna happen if I get shot one of those bullets something like. Do. You think God is that technical, too, I'm. Up at the pearly gates and it's like look it's a shame you got murdered, but. There was pork on those bullets. I'd. Love to let you in but rules are rules. It's. Like I'm not even like that Muslim. You know but I find myself having to defend Islam a lot I got, into an argument with. The guy was like not to be Muslim is a terrorist and. He was like there's, no white terrorists. Senior. White terrorist bro I, was. Like yeah but you guys have mass shooters, and. He was like so do you know yeah but we just got into it. Although. I will say the closest thing white people have to a terrorist, is Timothy, McVeigh the. Oklahoma City bomber, he's. Like the Eminem of terrorism. He. Was so dope even Middle Eastern people were like you, gotta give it up.
It's. Very good good timing, good execution. He's. In my top five. Because. Him chemical Ali Mohammed Atta Karis, 1 for some reason. I. Went. A couple years ago I went to San Diego Chargers game in San, Diego like I'm. From Seattle you know some of my buddies we went in our Seahawks gear which. I would probably never do again. Because. It's a very hostile environment, and. As, a minority you're not quite sure if the racism or not. Because. It feels the same people. Were like. This. Is the Jersey or my ethnicity. He. Was like what do you think saying nigger let me go Jesus. Least. I know now. My. White friends loved it though because. White people never really get discriminated against, so, it's like discrimination fantasy, cam for you guys. They're. Like you know let's go to the game in our Seahawks gear just, want to have people hate us for no reason. Being. A minority is, like having an away Jersey you can never take off. After. The game my white friends were like that was fun, back, to being a privileged white guy. And. I was like yeah, still, fucked. We. Love football in this country right you guys like football yeah, everyone loves though, but. It's so violent when you think about it right. Like people get paralyzed, playing football and then. They just continue playing the rest of the game. If. I got paralyzed, at a party I would. Hope that the party would be over. My. Friends come visit me in the hospital like hey man everyone's really torn up about you getting paralyzed at that party I'm. Like oh what. Happened after, I left. Oh. Um. The. DJ drop the beat. Then. They use the poor guy as a mascot, the following year they're like we're gonna win this week don't take my word for it remember this guy everybody. I. May. Have gotten paralyzed, I. Saw. That movies theory of everything that, Stephen Hawking movie this. Is really good but it's. Kind of weird watching, a movie where you already know what happens to the person because. At the beginning of the movie he's dancing around having, a good time you're like. He. Doesn't know I. Didn't. Know that he was married for 30 years and, he had three kids with this woman and then, he ended up leaving her for, another woman. That's. Pretty baller. When. You think about it to be confined to a wheelchair unable. To talk and still, think to yourself I can. Do better. This. Bitch is holding, me back. Hey. Can you set up the ramp so I can leave you. How. Did that exchange, even go down is what I want to know like normally, when couples fight, it's.
This Verbal ping-pong, match like fuck you know fuck you this woman who's had to have waited forever she's. Like what he's gonna leave me in just the way for. You. Win some you lose some. I. Want. To tell these two stories about my dad before, I got out of here so do you remember Independence. Day when it came out the first one Will. Smith yeah. So. They were doing this like Orson Welles War, of the Worlds type promo, for it like Fox had, it seemed like aliens were invading Earth and, it looked real they had like news like a whole newscast, and I, saw it for some reason I was like dad, turn on the TV quick. Channel. 30 yeah. And. He turns it on and then he's just like he's. Like locked in you know. He's. Like trying to catch up on what I already know you know. And. Then he's flipping the channels and he's like how come it's only on channel 13. Have. An exclusive or something. So. There's. This iconic scene where. You know the spaceship, flies over the White House and then, the bay doors open up and there's an electron, charge and. Then it blasts, down and then, the white house just explodes, into. A million pieces. My. Dad's sitting on the edge of the bed. And. He goes. Wow. Like. That was my dad's reaction to the end of the world. Not. I love you son we're gonna get through this somehow. At. That moment he didn't have kids or a wife. How. Does this affect me. Another. Story so I've been doing stand-up for, a really long time now I started when I was 18 and. Like. Stand-up is not something that, immigrant. Parents have their kid to do it's like I'm doing heroin like they weren't into it, we. Were getting a shouting matches and, everything and my dad he'd be like you're out there every night, with. The pimps and up prostitutes. What. Comedy club are you going to. Some. Guy in a fur coat and a pimp cane. Some. Guys for you. So. He would just like blow up every three months and just like shouting, matches and everything I'd be very secretive about my comedy I would be writing in spiral notebooks up, in my bedroom, I'd. Be like they had to be funny below and then my my. Dad I would hear his footsteps coming, upstairs and I would just like hi the notebook under my bed it'd be like what's going on in here I go oh just jerking off. Good. It's. No jokes jerk all you just no jokes. Jerk. All you want. So. The. Apollo Theater, amateur, night on tour came, to Seattle they, hit up different major cities Seattle's, one of the stops and you could audition for it and I went I auditioned, it's like 19 I think at the time and I. Got in like out of 342, people I got in 11 were selected, and they really liked me they really liked my stuff so I invited everybody I invited my parents you. Know, teachers. From school just everybody, came out and, then. It came my turn to come out on stage and I'm like hey guys my name is Fahim, you. Know it's an Afghan, name and this is kind of shortly after 9/11 probably, not the best opener. And. There's like. These, cascades, of boos like whoa and, the siren goes off like. The.
Guy's Tap-dancing, me off like I know how this works very. Surreal, to get booed by that many people you know and then I the rest of the story I hear from my brother because, we took separate cars like. My family and myself except of cars so, my brother tells me they're, in the Dodge Caravan driving. Home it's. Definitely silent, it's. Just my brother my, mom my. Dad my cousin, Neil oh no. One's saying anything, for. Like 30 minutes and. Then. My dad finally breaks the silence by going, well. There's. No business, like. Show business. Thank. You so much for coming out tonight guys. Thank. You. You.