Don't Buy What We're Selling (Board AF: Business Walrus)
my favorite uh comment in chat was damian just inventing bds yeah bdsm stands for best damien's some sex machine hello and welcome back to board af how are you doing today it's good to see you oh my god you look really nice today hi how are you today we are playing business walrus business walrus is like like a shark tank of sorts we are each going to be entrepreneurs trying to pitch to the business walrus which has a billion dollars to give out between us we have to try and meet the requirements of the ask that the business walrus has and also one of the must-haves in our hand that nobody knows about it might say something like it has to have spaghetti and you would have to accommodate that it has spaghetti and reveal that at the end if you do well you get not only a billion dollars but a card that has the ability to sabotage your friends they'll say something like they piss their pants yeah you have to literally physically piss your pants if you get handed the card that says you have to piss you have to piss what if you've already been pissing and then you're given the card does it cancel the mindset of a winner and you didn't piss and then i didn't piss guys it's fine because i got the card so you didn't piss now i didn't piss guys perfect yes did you like it please subscribe subscribe um who wants walrus first who wants to get to be this money i'm not ready i'm not ready for this i'll be the walrus you it is okay guys i've got an ask here dad asked that was awesome thank you um i'm a walrus and i'm looking for something that helps people come out to their family wow oh my god oh wow okay okay okay i was not expecting that wow okay if you're me it's um twitch for me it was a podcast my dad found out via listening to the podcast noise what are you gonna do what's what's your plan for this game we call this round two queens in a damien pizza place a pizza place oh cause that's you you're a pizza place a baby courtney i wanna hear your product something that will help people come out to their family some people have families that you already know it's not gonna be an easy process so i have something to ease that process this is the diversionator it is a thing that constantly uh ruins the environment it's just like and smog in the sky so then you say your thing and you're like what's that oh no and they're like oh that's the real problem here hey that's okay oh what's that thing in the sky so you're saying to distract your family so that there's bigger problems if in the case if you have a conservative family who's going to judge you the way you distract them is by pointing out global warming which they'll definitely be they'll care about every time a kid comes out as gay the air quality in los angeles oh no i can't go back i think that sounds great who needs conversion when you've got a different version um how much does this cost 99 cents makes sense all right uh you know what i like it all right sage i'm thinking right i'm going to tell my family i'm gay i want something that is comfortable safe familiar to them so i'm thinking a mascot naturally okay mascot shows up at your door their name original name i made up tony the tiger like it they show up kick your door nice and they say your son's gay [Laughter] and then they sit down with your parents for a nice cup of coffee um how much do you pay for a visit is like like 20 20 bucks he stops by he gets coffee what are you thinking like a 30 minute window yeah i think i think you've got like a 20 30 minute window and what happens if the parents react poorly if they're if they have a bad attitude towards this does tony the tiger he kills him that costs extra though gently it costs more to kill him yeah but he has a slogan for that too what's his slogan for that you don't want to find out yeah you only find her to find out okay okay damien picture this shane yeah you walrus you a 4 500 pound man named colossen farrell he is a big irishman that wanders around following your family everywhere they go but it's a coincidence it never seems like it's on purpose but if they're in line with the dmv this 4 500 pound man is there too a little too close a little too close breathing really heavily on their neck and they're just like what is going on here he does this for no less than three weeks every time they turn around they're like how do we like how do we keep ending up at the same place if they're pissed he does native sir if they're polite about it they're like wow we have the same schedule how are you it it doesn't answer and so eventually after uh you hit the fourth week um he just gently leans in and whispers uh way too close to their ear with their hot hot breath um there's no wrong way to love and then he uh waddles off into the night and uh they're gone forever and they're gonna be so relieved that colossal and farrell is gone and so that sort of opens the door to you to be like hey actually mom and dad while we're on the topic um that actually pertains to me directly and they're like oh that's great our friend colossian farrell uh told us the very same thing he's irish and huge you're saying he raised four thousand five hundred pounds and the ability he has the ability to walk because that's probably the way to like a semi truck thank you sage that is exactly the weight of a semi truck i'm very glad that you said that specifically let's all remember how on point i was about that and you're saying instead of getting the nba colossal and farrell chose this he can't he's not quite you can't why can't he problems he's 4500 pounds and he's hurt yeah his knees hurt he's hurt does he have a car or anything he's got a camry on his right a corolla on his left and they're both basically uh roller skates like monsters versus aliens yeah but he doesn't have to pay insurance because they're technically how much how much does this cost he's a pro bono are you like his agent or manager or what's his name i take a percentage but it is pro bono so there's no money to be made we're gonna do what uber does operate at a loss for three years and then charge you when you need it oh that's too real somehow you but you both pitch things that i think are bad for the environment i i don't know how close and farrell is bad for the environment but he definitely is he told me he's fine he's good he's he's not of this earth he's better than uh it's better than dr take your lovecraftian nightmare out of this realm get out of here i'm giving it to tony the tigers thank you thank you very much these were all insane pitches that's somehow the least insane must be the size of a bus so when you were like that's the size of a semi-truck i'm like yes thank you sir that's great most it could be extremely bad for the environment oh my god wow mine was most blatantly steel in other products mascot i get a million dollars all right million wallers a million dollars i'll be the walrus something for training dogs as a business walrus i would like something for training dogs uh shane would you like to tell me something about training some product for training dogs yeah great it's very simple what's something that dogs despise bones clowns [Laughter] they clowns clowns so what better to train a dog than a clown because if they can be trained and learn to to listen to the thing they hate most they're going to listen to you right so may i present to you kirby bumpus i almost named my man kirby bumpers not to be confused with kirby puppets but all the ducks hate him he tries to train them he cares about him so much but they hate him so much he goes to the humane society to get a dog and all the dogs hate him and they're like sorry we can't let you take any of these dogs because they hate him he's like oh that sucks he's like you know what you should do you should take your dog to kirby bumpus to get him trained and then he'll be better it's like i um i do have to come up with a question you got something for kirby book yeah what exactly thank you shane thank you uh courtney walrus i have one question for you because we have allowed one question to you do you know a lot about dots bones um well i know they uh either love or hate bones that's great i'll let it let me to educate you what's with one thing dogs freaking love and they can't get enough of course you want to die to have a good time while they're learning their tricks and basic commands give them a little sip of beer brought to you by course light they get to sip a beer every time they get a trick right and they're like holy i get to drink beer and i do my tricks and they'll remember the good times they had a cold one with their boys oh deep coz so your product is beer for dogs or is it just um specifically coors yeah yeah it's a beer for dogs it's called airbud light that's pretty good in the morning it's pretty good that's pretty good it's pretty good wouldn't care of course did that um sage hi tell me all about your product please uh please okay tell me about your product please damn as you know the pigeons are not real yeah ronald reagan well the birds died birds die due to reagan killing them the birds that you see the pidgeys that you see out and about and around as you know homing beacons all connected through a complicated network they're all electronic we're seeing through their eyes the government is watching but what if the birds were not helping the government what if instead the birds were helping you train your dogs we live in los angeles you can't go anywhere without seeing a pigeon hate it you walk out of your car you trip over a pigeon hurts every time so those pigeons instead have little noises that only your dog can understand uh which would tell it to do things like roll over or sit down or be nice yes okay awesome thank you um so i gotta give it to the bird army this time though army birds bro thank you what was everyone's must have mine was must involve a circus clown ah nice must shamelessly promote coors light all the time even though it has nothing to do with beer wow nice uh mine was must involve homing pigeons i do love a good pigeon i know i want to bite it yours technically because it said it must not involve even even even if it doesn't that's hilarious [Laughter] [Laughter] i'm looking for something uh that would improve pants i'm looking for a brilliant improvement to pants let me take you back please the 90s yeah everything was bright everything was new and shiny and everything was jellies remember jelly shoes of course i remember jelly shoes what now we're bringing it back all the way back to now having jellies pants jelly's pants don't worry it sounds like it's uncomfortable it's not it's jellies are very comfortable because they are lined with silk but on the outside is jellies oh my god and they make your ass look so fat oh my god yeah that's such an improvement to pants these are called jellies pants and you can get them any size that's great i have a question for you um your see-through the silken lining is a matched color so it doesn't you can't see through all the way to your skin and it's soft inside it's breathable but the jellies also lets the air out so before it doesn't sound like jelly's fart what is that usually because you know when your feet get sweaty and jellies it's kind of like sliding around making fart bubbles in the jellies i'm really sorry guys she asked i had to clarify i had to disclose this jelly situation i'd like to clarify that my question was are they see-through very loud and stinky no jellyfish no sounds like a strong contender for a billion dollars thank you good pants pants are tough because sometimes they don't fit right whatever so may i present something that that you put on first and this helps you fit into any kind of pants depending on you can get different sizings of this they're called spanx all right so you put them on and it really splits it really slims everything down and makes you look really good and then you can put the pants on it might fit better because it really like gets everything in there and it's called spanx spanx yeah it's yeah why is it spanx it's just spanx that's the name that i came up with originally when i was the name thing what's spanx oh wait really don't know what spanx is this is s-h-p-a-n-x spanx are they comfortable very comfortable why because they're made from the prime material primordial primordial material they're made from the best stuff yeah naturally given the pitch that we just received does the ass look fat it can there's types of spanx that suck everything else but that does it say on the front doesn't suck ass it doesn't suck ass this one does not suck ass but you can get suck ass versions it sounds like skims by kim kardashian desert does not this is spanx um thanks for the spanx is what we have on the boxes wow all right next belts suspenders there have been no improvements made to pants in the longest damn time you're so right well now you can uh introducing the system the system is a really cool harness rigging system connecting your pants to other parts of your body with cool straps but i know what you're thinking this level of power is not of this world and can't exist on its own and that's correct it is so unstable that it needs otherworldly strength in order to keep it being a thing so it is uh haunted by the there's a victorian child ghost oh no this is a real thing huh oh man oh no i'll keep going it's fine um um so every time you know anything starts to come undone or be a little bit like less cool looking than it was it'll like fly right out of it and go like oh dreadful oh no and it'll like fix it uh unbeknownst to other people only you can see the ghost oh yeah so it's a complicated um strap system yes haunted by a victorian dead victorian dead victorian in a dungeon yeah what's it called i called it the system but it could definitely be called other things no that sounds right no no this is my system this is different you you were a harness the other day it was cool i did i i actually kind of am right now this thing yeah it's cool that's what i'm talking about but connected to your pants that's the difference that sounds like suspenders and garter belts and stuff thank you courtney yes my favorite larry king wear this my favorite uh comment in chat was damian just inventing bds yeah bdsm stands for best demons some sex machines jelly's pants silk lining no farting i forgot oh spanx mine was bdsm it goes awesome spenders you know what i'm just gonna say and there's a lot of money in bdsm thank you sir he deserves a win after that wow my thing was must be squishy okay what was your thing my thing was must be haunted by the ghost of victorian child how did we end up here so everything else was your choice i was like suspenders and belt oh there's both of them oh even more straps that's cool mine was must be a blatant ripoff of something else specs oh god i do know i do know spanx what this world needs specifically people at home some of you maybe a product for stoners what i have to present to these donors today is the movie franchise twilight but specifically taylor lautner i think taylor lautner should be the new king of the stoners so we're bringing taylor lautner back because nobody has seen him where is he who knows i've seen a lot of wolves though uh-huh so we're bringing taylor lautner back and we are re-releasing the twilight movies and taylor lautner will get on the screen in the beginning and he will imprint on every one of them oh bonded to these movies bonded much like a system a system oh like the thing i said so he imprints on the audience through the camera yeah absolutely but then he shows up so he'll just follow you around for a while um and i feel like if there's anything that my stoner friends like to do it's watch movies over and over and over and over and over again so my goal from a marketing perspective is to make that movie twilight hell yeah all right damian back to you thank you courtney i'm glad you asked how many times has this happened to you you just did a weed and yet you've lost all of your stuff because you did too much of a weed you can't find your house keys to lock up after you leave uh you can't find the video game controller you were trying to use to play skyrim even more you can't find um a reason to stay awake and you just want to go to bed introducing the wall squid um a a bunch of chains that hang off your wall that you connect things to such as your lighter your keys your controller and all that stuff so if you you know are like wow uh where's all my stuff i've just done a weed um it's all you know where it is you go jingle jingle jingle jingle you think is jacob marley of the christmas carol here and you say no no it is merely the wall chains so you rifle through them look at the clank look at the clack and then you find your lighter and you say i believe it's time for another weed uh thank you wall squid you are uh an intelligent creature and i appreciate you yes i understand you can pinch any products you want so the chains are like not this time i want to die no and i looked over to the chat the chat was also like well chase watch his wall chances [Laughter] all right what do you got weirdo two things stoners love they love to laugh and they love to freak the out what's something that can help you do both hi i'm here as a representative of the furby company you're crying are you trying because that was hilarious furbies have always been a great toy for stoners because they're scary and they're hilarious we've made the existential furby this furby fully sentient and capable of feeling pain it's constantly freaking the out so when you're smoking it's it's reminding you of like what the what point like what are you doing with your life like should you make different choices in your life where are you headed you know should you plan for the future even though something seems like a very fun thing first of all it's awful it's truly awful it's gonna make you freak the f out you're gonna be scared from this furby what about the laughing aspect well it's also hilarious it's also really funny how big is he huge okay oh that's a good one all right i've heard it off the bus most practical product to me sounds like squid game thank you courtney it does all right my requirement was must imprint on the user and constantly follow them around like a baby duck so naturally yeah i thought taylor lives pretty good what was yours uh mine was must be chained to the wall for safety reasons okay you got screwed on that one yeah what about your shirt that says that and yours must be capable of feeling pain okay you didn't have to hang out the whole thing well i kind of wanted to but it was pretty funny yeah i thought it was funny thank you so much for watching us play business walrus hey we're all tied up oh no now he's doing it on purpose what's a walrus sound [Music] actually was pretty good wait hold on i'm very dry today because of the laughing vibe oh [Applause] if you haven't already subscribe to the channel click that notification bell and get notified every time we post a new video they are don't usually involve this much bdsm but you should find out which ones do it's a fun mystery maybe this one over here does you never know you can find it anywhere yep you gotta look hard enough you could be right there you gotta look hard who knows i've heard there's a little in that one but just a little we love you a little in the middle but got much back
2022-01-24 21:17
