The Truth About My Mental Health | Stef Sanjati [CC]

The Truth About My Mental Health | Stef Sanjati [CC]

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Hello little buns it is Stef welcome, back to my home if, you don't know me my name is Stefan Yanni I post videos every. Monday, Wednesday Friday, and, if you would like to join me I would love it if you just subscribe, and hit the bell thing so that you'll know when I upload because, I'm saying that now and I think it's responsible in release my ex I think. This video is serious, in subject matter but I'm gonna do my best to keep it light-hearted because, ultimately it's a good thing this is really, important to me so if you can do your best to sit through the whole video I would love that because this really is all about the future, of us if you're a viewer of mine for a long time this is really about where I want to take you in the future and I also wanted, to spell a lot of the concerns. And the speculation, about my mental health that I've been seeing because a lot of it is very inaccurate. And I want to paint you a full picture of where I'm at as a person, and I think I, think, I know how to do that so I'd love for you to hear me out let's talk let's talk about that so there has been a lot of speculation like, I said about my mental health because, I used, to post videos that and I'm quoting a comment paraphrasing, kind of I used to make videos that were hard, to watch and sad because I was in a sad place and I was sharing that and then I left for four weeks and came back and suddenly everything, was happy and bright cheery and that made a lot of people worried because and, I understand why it looks like I went from miserable. To happy overnight and I know that. That's just kind of the interpretation. At face value and, I don't blame anybody for interpreting, it that way but those, four weeks in the middle so, much happened, and I know people tend to it's, not that they consciously, think this it's just an understanding, of their mind because they don't see what goes on when I'm not on a video but, I understand, that a lot of people almost, see me like a TV character they don't mean to but they do where, my arc is written to, be shown so people expect to know when I'm changing they expect me to share it with them as if I'm writing, it for them but that's not that's, not real life and that's not how this works and I know that nobody consciously, thinks that but I think generally, that's how people tend to view creators. And I don't blame anybody for that but. That's not real if I did not disappear in four weeks if I did not pull back and not show you what I was experiencing, I could, not have healed consider, it the way you'd consider rehab except, instead of going to rehab I just, removed, myself from all digital, influence I I removed, CEL from twitter i barely. Was on instagram i just, separated myself from everything, so that I could really reflect, inwards and look at my life and look at the choices that I've been making and look at where I wanted to go and what future I wanted and I could not have done that if I hadn't removed myself from the internet so I understand, the sentiment of wanting to keep up with me but if I hadn't stopped letting, you in I could, not have healed myself and that's not anybody's fault it's just what I had to do for the first time in literally years I opened my mind to things and it felt like before I knew it all it was very easy to feel like I was in control and I knew everything I knew what the world issues were I knew what the social issues where I knew who was to blame and who had to be punished and I knew all of this. But, I was wrong, because. My entire worldview was tinted by pain, and rejection, and fear and it's, not that I was wrong factually, I'm not saying I'm, backpedaling. On all of my opinions because that's not happening what I'm saying is the way I wanted to heal the world was, not effective, for me to do in that way what I was doing was, not healthy for me and it wasn't helping anything I thought I was being smart and responsible, but I was being self-destructive, and, I was hurting. People in my opinion that's what I was doing in hindsight, it feels like and people aren't conscious that this is hurting me they don't do it in a place of malice they don't do it because they love to see me hurt but, it feels like all of my content, and what people wanted and expected from me was for. Me to bleed for their amusement or for their causes like a martyr like it felt like I was murdering. Myself, effectively. What I was doing was harming, myself because, I felt I had to or it was my duty I was torturing, myself psychologically because. I thought that was being responsible, and it wasn't every, part of me wants to heal and soothe, the world or the people near me or whatever it is I want to fix things I want to calm things I want to soothe things and, the reason I took on so much negative emotion so much fear pain, anxiety.

And An, anger. Was because I thought if I took it I could heal other people but all I was doing was replicating. The behavior I wasn't taking any pain from people I was just also being, in pain it, wasn't helping anybody it was not an effective way for me to contribute, to, solving problems one specific, comment I saw said I was the out of character and I want to unpack that the reality, is and I do not mean this in a sassy, or in a snippy, way but you don't know who I am and, I want you to but the problem, is is that I have been becoming. What people, wanted me to become I was shaping, myself, based on feedback, from viewers and that is so. Damaging. Because I didn't, understand I was doing it I thought I was just becoming a person that people liked but I was becoming a person that hated themselves and that is so bad I don't, have to tell you that's bad I became the person I thought you needed and I was, in pain and I was angry and I was lonely. But those are not personality. Traits that's not who I am it's. Not who I was so I want to tell you who I am and while I'm telling you who I am I want you to think about who you are at your core because I know a lot of you a lot of my regular viewers I think we're in a place just like I was a month or two or you know for the past year and a half I think a lot of you are in that place and I didn't know I was in that place so I just want you to listen and think, about yourself and I want you to think about who you are at your core what are your core, personality traits, not, emotions, but your values, and and what, makes you happy and what you want to share with people all right I'm, gonna tell you mine and I want you to think about yours and then I want you to leave a comment or even just write it down for yourself I want you to write it down though if you can who, argue really, think about it I am loud I'm, half deaf literally deaf in one ear so I don't really know how loud I'm being sometimes sometimes, I think I'm whispering but I'm speaking at a volume where people can hear me in another room it's, just the way I am and I don't dislike it I think. It's kind of endearing I'm. Loud I'm sarcastic, and sometimes it's to my detriment because I tend to take, problems, that are thrown at me and warp. Them into a joke to lighten the blow that's how I heal, it right when I'm encountering pain, I like to change it into something funny and that's a defense, mechanism but sometimes it pisses people off I'm distracted. I become, very distracted, I like shiny things and I like not shiny objects, not materialistic, but like exciting. Things, and experiences, they become very like focused, on one and then another and then another very quickly also, I've just realized there's a giant smudge on my lens but you know what it adds character you're going to deal with that distracted. I'm very clumsy I knock, things over constantly I attribute, this to my hearing and how, it affects my balance I knock things over every day I break things every day I'm just kind of I used, to say I want you to think, about this I used, to say I was destructive. Now. I say I'm clumsy and those, have very different connotations, and when it's, you don't really think about it when you're saying it but every time I called myself destructive, I was, reinforcing, a negative belief about myself and I think we do not so much with so many things so no I'm not destructive, I'm clumsy, I really, value movement. And adventure. And memories, I want. To be wealthy, and memories for a very long time I filled a void with materialistic, things so. Much clothing so many pretty things in my home I made everything pretty, I just loved it but I felt, horrible. I felt so ugly I honestly, felt ugly not, anymore I'll get on that later maybe but my life was just dark. And now I, know what I value I know it brings me happiness and it's not things, it's experiences. It's memories it's adventure, and, it's movement, it's engaging, with my life, and that brings me so much joy but I think my three core. Core. Traits are, before. I say this I guess some. People might interpret this as narcissistic, and, I'm saying oh I'm these positive, things but I think we should do that more often, I think people should stop being ashamed of being, happy with themselves we're, proud of themselves or, genuinely. Enjoying. Who, they are as people I think, we should enjoy who we are as people and if we don't there's something wrong there's. Something hurting us there's something weighing us down so I don't want you to view it in that lens I want you to view it as a factual report, of who you are not a tinted report this is core, traits not, emotions, so I think my core traits and I, completely, ignored them for so long I thought they were weak I thought, they were liabilities.

And I rejected, the most natural, thing about me which, were how nurturing I am how much I care, about people I want to care for them like, a parent, but not really parental and my, affectionate, nature, I'm very unlike, a cat that wants to rub itself on you you know what I mean that makes me so happy but, for a long time I was like no you have to be independent and you have to be cold, and reject, but really I was just replicating, the behavior that was put on me by other people other people were cold rejecting, unkind, and cynical, to me so I became those things that's not who I am at all nothing. Makes me warmer. Inside and happier than taking, care of somebody cooking, for somebody cleaning for somebody making them feel good that. Makes me so happy and I, might, not take the best care of myself, but I know I take really good care of other people and as far as affection, goes it's not doesn't have to be even sexual, or romantic but, just being close to people that I care about my. Love language is physical, I like showing people through. My hands, or through, doing, things for them that, I care for them that is how I communicate and, to stifle that and suffocate. It because I thought, I don't know it was weak was, very damaging, because, that really is a core, part of me I am not changing a lot of people think oh this is a new step this is a different, stuff no absolutely, not I have always been this person and if you look back at my earliest videos, especially the ones where I had purplish, hair I think. I exemplified. These traits even if they were hidden underneath of a bit of physical discomfort I wasn't very happy with myself physically, but I was hopeful and I was all of these things and somewhere, along the line I replaced, all of these traits with, dark, negative. Things because I took them on as a way to heal other people but I didn't help anybody especially. Other people and especially not myself I thought I was the only one that could take those things on and here's the thing that is absolutely false if I don't do it other people will other people have been they're not gonna suddenly stop, just because I stopped the hardest.

Thing For me to come to terms with was, the fact that I am NOT an activist, because I had a misunderstanding. Of what being, an activist, was because, it was given to me the, title was thrown at me it was given to me because I'm a marginalized, person that talked about their experiences I was given the title and the role of activist. Never asked for it and it never was natural to me that's not healthy. For me that lifestyle doesn't work for me but I did it because I thought it was my duty and it isn't being a marginalized person, does not immediately make you an activist, and just because you share your experience does, not mean you have to take on the fight at, the frontline that's not for everybody not everybody's capable, of that and I will do what, is natural, to me to make change in the world but I will not do what, harms, me psychologically. On a deep, level to, solve problems, I will do it in a way that makes sense to me that, is natural to me and therefore way more effective the way I see the future is so bright and I know how. To fix things I know how to heal things I know how to make people feel better and it's not the way I was doing things before I was diagnosed, with post-traumatic stress disorder, as a result. Of the things I went through in my home town and I, will actually link a video in a card and in the description box to where I talk about that experience in, detail. It's like a 30-minute video it's very full and very informative and that, informed. Everything about me and what I realized. That, was really, hard to swallow was that by being, an activist, or doing my best to be aware of absolutely. Every horrific problem, at once I I thought I had to have all of it on my plate and I had to know everything that was happening because it felt like it was the responsible, thing to do to know every, bad thing that was happening so I could fix it all I was doing was triggering, myself into PTSD. Symptoms. Constantly. For, years I did. That to myself for years I was harming, myself psychologically. And and, I don't want you to like take this with a grain of salt because this analogy is not a one-to-one, but, soldiers that come back from war with PTSD do, not sit there and watch all the coverage, on all the wars that they were fighting they don't sit there and look at war movies constantly, they don't remind, themselves of, the darkest, things that happen to them because it's destructive, and it puts them in a place where, they're a danger, to themselves why. Was I doing that to myself with things that were triggering my PTSD, symptoms why it was horrible, it was the worst thing I ever did and I did it for so long this was the core of every problem in my life was that I was reading. Myself I was being the wound open it never healed I was ripping it open every, day that, was destructive, so I cannot, provide that role anymore but I know what I can provide and others will provide what I provided for you before and and some of you came to me for positivity, and, I think over time you've. You've changed with me, you've become darker, with me and I don't want to be responsible. For other people, and during darker places I want to be responsible for hope and laughter I want that to be my message not. Fear not. Loneliness, not. Sadness not, rejection I want to live how most people get to for happiness and that does not mean living in luxury on yachts with fancy things because quite frankly I'm making, less now that I have in four years since I started full-time, on YouTube less, than I ever have and I'm in debt, but. I'm okay with it because I'm so happy and I know how to fix it and I have a vision for how to fix it it doesn't stress me out because I know it's going to be okay because for the first time in years. My, mind is peaceful it's quiet in there it's then it's relaxed. My brain is not on fire anymore I feel like what I was doing before, was, I was in this fight with this grizzly bear every day for years that I just had to keep fighting the grizzly bear and it never relented, and then one day the grizzly bear got.

Me It pushed me into the mud and I was laying in the mud and I was wounded and I was dying and then the grizzly bear left and there was nobody around and, suddenly, I realized, that wasn't my grizzly bear and what I'd been doing was, after I beat my grizzly bear I kept on finding grizzly, bears I sought, them out and I punched them and they would attack me because I'm punching a grizzly bear I'm poking a bear but instead of it being a bear I'm poking at, my PTSD every, day I'm just like whoa you got to stay active you got to stay awake so when I was laying in the mud and there was no grizzly bear around that was when I was at a low point and I decided to distance myself I didn't even decide it consciously I just stopped doing things I stopped going online and suddenly, I was okay I got to sit there and think what, is my life right now what. Are my choices ahead what, future do I want to live I imagined, what future I wanted to live and I said okay I can do that and for the first time in a long time I could see a future because. When I was in that fog it was like there was no future it just stopped I wasn't even thinking about the present, I was just stuck in the path constantly, I was stuck in that fear and that rejection and that loneliness I was not moving forward I was staying still for years even if my numbers, were growing as a person. I was preventing, myself from growing in every single way I will continue to, dismantle oppressive. Systems when I encounter, them when, they when when it's something that I can do but I will not throw myself at, grizzly bears just to be a martyr because, that's not good for anybody and. I'm no good to anybody dead I want to read you a little story I wrote. Because. Really this entire conversation comes. From an essay that I wrote to myself when I was reflecting when I was in that place and I want to read you a part that I wrote about, I don't know how to describe it I just have to read it let me paint you a picture after. That grizzly bear left and I laid in the mud having my revelations, about what I'd been doing I peel myself off the mud and walk out of the woods into a beautiful, valley of waterfalls, and flowers where the breeze tastes like the concept of sweetness, I stop there and I stay there I sleep in a soft bed of grass and smell the beauty around me for as long as I need to to call my mind I let, the nature heal me I listen to myself and my thoughts and my worries and concerns and, I soothed them the people that pass through the valley of flowers teach, me things and I teach them things and we both part feeling more full in our hearts and after, four weeks of absolute peace I'm ready, to leave that valley again I walk into a town no, specific, town was just pretending Internet is a town okay I see an old friend and I approach them showing them the beautiful bouquet, of flowers, I picked from the valley showing, them how beautiful I feel with my movement and my action and that old friend looks at me in horror, completely.

Ignores The flowers that I brought for them and they tell me I'm a danger, to myself because, I'm too animated I'm too excited and too good and I'm not what they remember. How. Would that make you feel you. Know if you leave and you go to a place that just heals you fully and you feel like I can go forward now I can have a future and then you go back to where you came from and some, people are happy for you but it's hard to not get caught up on the negative reactions, because, you really want them to understand, I'm better now I'm good look, how good I am I'm happy look how capable I am and. All they can see is, who. You were before and, they want it back and you. Know that, was the worst place you've ever been and that's why. I've been kind of frustrated. With, mentors that, speculate, that I'm unstable right now numerically. It's not overwhelming like that reaction but, I see it and I internalize, it because again, I want to heal them I want to help them understand I'm good now you can also feel this way I want them to feel this way and I think that is what I'm capable of doing in the future I want people to feel this and I think I can help them do that just like I could make them feel fear and sadness and, dread before now, I can make them feel hopeful, and beautiful. And good. I'm gonna wrap, up this reading thing to translate the analogy, starting with, laying in the mud I wanted to die I was alone and lost and I realized I was doing it to myself out, of a sense of duty that I'd never asked for or volunteered, for I stopped, took a step back allowed, myself to rediscover, who I really was and shed all of the weight I was carrying and I was excited to come back with light-hearted videos and I still AM and while the response has been largely positive and excited there is a vocal and condescending, narrative, being spread about my mental health and stability when for the first time in years my mind is crystal clear so that's. How I feel all I'm asking for is the benefit of the doubt and the trust that I know my mind and I know what, I'm feeling and I know my history and, I know I Know Who I am and I know what's happening and I just want you to believe that and treat me with that respect this is me embracing, myself. And what makes me happy and chasing, that it is so, important. For marginalized. People to see that they can live a healthy functional. Happy life and that is what I can provide from now on that is what I want to provide from now on I want to be that example of. A happy person because, what I was being before, as an example was, not helpful or healthy or good I am the strongest and, the happiest, and the healthiest, that I have been in years, and I know now that I want to spread hope and laughter right not fear and loneliness and Hank and I will still talk about being trans when it's relevant or when it comes up or what I want to but I will not rip open my wound every single day because. People want me to I won't do that I can't I can't. It was killing me I love you, sincerely.

And That is why what, I was doing before was so hurtful, because it was dangerously, sincere, but I'm still very sincere, about what I'm bringing to the table now and I'm more excited about it than I do want to talk about the future of my content and I think it's been a bit of a misunderstanding about what the atomists, is and a lot of you probably don't know what the autumn is is at all but there is a patreon, link in the description box that you can check out if you're interested basically. What it means is I'm going to be posting three videos a week and I'm going to be traveling all over the world experiencing. Things and sharing that with you but I will still talk about all of the same issues I'm just gonna do it in a way that's constructive, and healthy for me so you can still learn about all these problems and you can still learn about who you are and, like develop, your character as I develop mine and all of that is still, going to happen it's just gonna be a much better way and a much better quality, of everything, everything, moving, forward will be better coming, from me I do value. And, love and cherish and need your support but if you don't want to support me anymore that's okay that's alright I release you like you can unsubscribe it's okay but I really hope you stick around and, you reflect, on what I'm bringing to you from now on because, I think it would be really good for for, everybody I think it's good for everybody to see past the surface of what I'm doing and to internalize, what I'm trying to show you as an example so I will see you in that content in the future and I will post a video very soon defining, what the out of as' is and what I'm doing but what you really need to understand is I'm doing travel content but I'm making it personal about, us about emotion, about growth about learning. It's not about going to cool places and taking cool videos it's about people, and about how beautiful they are and about how, happy we can be this has been a long one thank you so much for watching this entire video if you did please let me know if you did it because props, like kudos, you know what I mean if this resonated, with you on any level I encourage you to share it because I think what. I've been saying can be helpful to people of all backgrounds not just youtubers, or viewers, I think people need to hear sometimes, the behaviors you think are responsible are destructive, for yourself their, self harm and I really want people to reflect on what they're inviting into their life on every level I will see you again soon I love you and I'm so excited for, our future okay, and I will see you there bye.

2019-02-09 07:20

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Comments:

Hi everyone! I love you. I hope this video helps calm your fears and anxieties surrounding what seem like personality shifts in me - I promise I am the best I've been in a very long time and I am so excited to move into the future with you. I can't wait to read your comments about who you *really* are - it's an exercise that helped me a lot.

Well done Stef, health is wealth, mental and dental.

I am so happy for you and can't wait to see what you make and create. I've watched your videos for a very long wile since 2015 I think... I don't remember any way, you have always kept me informed entertained and interested in your life. I hope nothing but the best for you and your life. :) You'll always have Love from a me no matter what you make:)

Ok... i watched the whole video... you asked us to respect you... Respectfully.... I'm so happy and proud of your journey in finding your happiness and strength. It's tempting to see all of your videos... from oldest to most recent to fully understand your journey so far... i would love to hear your perspective on this. Best wishes, Love! You're an amazing person... thank you for sharing who you are to the rest of us

Stef, your a beautiful person and I'm glad I found your channel. I've been watching for a while now. You really make a lot of sence.

Thank you for sharing this message. I'm here for it all, big love to you.

Hey Stef, in this video you lightly touched on the idea of parasocial relationships (those between a public figure and their viewers/fans in this instance) and I would highly recommend watching a series of videos called “fake friends” by Stucci Movies here on YouTube if you want to understand or explore the idea more : )

You are beautiful. I'm sorry about everything that's happened, but I'm glad you're healing. Best wishes

Hi Stef, this is a great video. I can relate to who you were and this video makes me feel like there is a path to a better and more complete life. I'm so happy that you have found yourself. Love you Stef!

What a great subject to bring up!! I started suffering from bad Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Well this lead me down the road to drug use,which was the only thing that made me feel "normal" and relaxed. This almost lead to my death a few times(including the last time I overdosed in my garage and needed to be revived 3 times before even getting to the hospital. If my friend had not found me that evening,Id be dead now) and was ruining my life day by day by day. But I was able to stop and start living a normal type life!

Stef Sanjati Thankyou for taking your mental health so seriously. My mental health has been a full time job healing from my childhood trauma. I have BPD, PTSD and ADHD. Thankyou for taking care of yourself and loving yourself. I’m so proud of you. You are being such a great example by helping lead people to personal grow themselves.

You represent hope & strength. Such a beautiful sparkling soul

I feel that this was much needed and I'm thankful to have stumbled upon this video, it was eye opening and up lifting ♡

You always inspire me, Stef.

Stef Sanjati Air❤️Hugs

so happy for you to be in such a good place

I loved this, thank you Stef ❤❤❤

Your beautiful kind intelligent priceless and my hero

Thank you, Stef. I have been following you for more than a year and I really enjoy seeing you grow and coming back to your core self. As a burnout survivor I resonate with so much of what you have said in this video and it helps me to remember my own path of finding me for the first time in years. Thank you for articulating it so well and for living your best life.

YES GIRL, it is so important to live OUR truth! If we don’twe suffer and cause suffering. So proud of you for finding yourself and the courage to embrace it. You are beautiful.

I watched this full! I always watch your videos in full :) much love from The Philippines! ♡

Congrats. Happy you is a lot more interesting than SJW you. Show how good your life is now instead of dwelling on perceived (and actual) slights in the world. Lead by example instead of protest. Martyrs are very annoying (self-righteous) people, sometime you can understand why they were burned at the stake.

"And I'm no good to anybody dead." This is something I had to learn the hard way as someone really emotional and empathetic. I guess it is also why its a cliche that to take care of others you sometimes need to take care of yourself first. This felt like a very genuine video and I truly appreciated it.

I rarely comment, but today I feel like I have/need to! Stef you are such an inspiration, taking into consideration all the hideous things you have been facing in you life, I mean it is overwhelming, and I'm proud of yourself, and you should definitely feel proud of yourself as well, because girl you are a strong, articulate, intelligent and such a warrior, I do look up to you! I've been folowing you for some years, and obviously life has been tough to me as well, and I'm also at this point of allowing me to feel good about myself, sometimes when I take a look at everything I've been through and all the signs that life has been giving me and how now I'm so aware and awaken of my persona it feels nice, but it also takes a lot of responsability, first with me and second with the world! Let's be thankful of this awareness and let us raise our glasses for ouselves, we're still here and although this self knowledge is frequent and consistent here we are fighting fou our lives, fighting for our right to live a magical life, because we do deserve it! Sending lots of positive energy and much love to you! You go girl ❤ (Edit.: I'm so happy that the comment section is full of healthy uplifting comments, such a lovely place to be right now).

Okay I actually started crying 1. I'm glad you're feeling so much better! I am always proud to see people with PTSD healing! 2. I'm in a really bad place right now, just multiple bad things piling on top of me. But this gave me hope. I am also diagnosed with PTSD, unable to work due to mental and physical health issues, i'm nonbinary and there are alot of walls to break through if i want to medically transition in any way (yay german laws /sarcasm). I am going to get professional psychiatric help again soon but i also know that it's going to take alot of effort and time to heal. I care alot about other people. I want to heal enough to be able to protect others (physically if i have to) and to make a safe space for other marginalized people (My current fantasy is to have a café). I want to get closer to nature, maybe have small barn and maybe even explore spirituality. The "poking/punching the bear" metaphor really resonated with me even though i don't yet fully understand how. Thank you so much for this video. It gave me hope. And it made me conquer a part of my anxiety by making me feel safe enough to actually leave a comment.

Congrats on finding yourself xx It's amazing when you realise that only you control how you live. Xx Glad your back

can I just advise a change in thumbnail? like, as someone with bipolar disorder, it kinda sucks to see it listed like it's a negative thing

I'm glad you're back and even more energized. I watched the whole video and I resonated with you 100%. you vocalized all the thoughts and actions that I've been having and doing for the past 6 months. so thank you for reinforcing my belief on where my personal journey is going

Well, after lurking on your channel for about two years, on and off, I feel like the Stef I like the most has managed to make her way to the surface, and I'm so glad for you. So have a new subscriber ! Much love from France !

I cried

I am so excited for your future videos!!! I really admire your strength to heal yourself. That you were able to get away from social media and set boundaries is beyond applaudable. So many people cannot see the addiction of all the sites much less the harm it does to them. Hugs. You really are incredible. I am new to following you, but I am so glad I am!

Stef, this is the most important video you’ve made so far, in my opinion. I don’t really have words for how much I love and appreciate this. I am with you and I love you.

I love it when you post because it makes feel safe and loved

Long Story short SHE'S STILL GROWING UP! yw

Your videos haven't been in my sub box for so long! Well time for a binge watch. Edit- "so long" is like a month but still

I love you stef ❤️❤️❤️❤️

stef, you made me realise what sort of person i am deep down. i have a cold exterior, but i am so soft. i want to love, i want to take care of people, i want to help people. i gotta big heart, lotta love to give yknow

I have NO IDEA what my personality traits are.

To be super honest, I find your videos nurturing. Like I'm not surprised that it's your strongest trait because there's no other youtuber which makes me feel hugged when I watch them. Also I'm very similar in this case. I thought in the past that I want to buy people's attention with giving things to them, but it's not the case at all. Helping others literally charges me.

my favourite video of yours ever.

Thank you for being you, being true to yourself. And thank you for sharing yourself with us, sharing your thoughts and opinions. It's very informative. But the absolute best part of this whole video, was seeing you smile and hearing you say you're happy with who you are becoming. That is absolutely beautiful, and I can't be anything but happy for you ❤️ Much love to everyone

You seem genuinely happy in your recent Instagram pictures and YouTube videos, your eyes are shining and your smile is glowing ♥ ♥ ♥ I'm so proud of you and happy for you that you are in a better place now and that you can look back and see your own growth ; _ ; Also I'm a sassy support main with artistic ambitions, trying her best :3 (Thanks for the kudos BTW ^^)

I'm so so happy for you!!

Thank you. You are such a brave, incredible woman. I've been in a pretty bad depressive episode and have been struggling with severe anxiety for years now but the way you talked about yourself gave me hope. I've always had really low self-esteem when it comes to my personality because for so long I just didn't have one due to trauma. I only really started discovering who I am at 15/16 and I'm 18 now. I'm going to write down all the things I think are positive about myself and look at them whenever I start hating myself again. I love you so much and thank you!

IM A LITTLE BUN who can relate to this

Thank you for such a beautifully put together talk about your feelings. I am so happy and excited for you and your new content, I can't wait to experience the world through your new fresh eyes. Big love xx

Welcome back, Stef. :)

Wonderful speech, Stef ! Lots of love from Germany ❥

This absolutely resonated with me on many levels. You have such a gift with words Stef, and I admire how capable of self-reflect you are. We all have our journeys and dark places that we get stuck in sometimes, and it's okay. I myself have recently accepted that this is part of it all and just like you said - getting angry and carrying all of the problems in the world on your shoulders does NOT make things better. I suffered really badly from PTSD coming from sexual abuse last year and it really hit me like a truck. So I can relate so strongly to you. Do what is best for your mental and physical health and just focus on that

So happy to see you in such a great place Stef!! It took me til I got into my 50's to gain this much knowledge about myself. Keep being yourself and caring for yourself ♥

I am new to your channel. You are such a Beautiful Loving caring person just by the things you said I can tell you are a very Loving person. I did watch the whole viedo and I want to say thank you for sharing your story with me. As you were talking about 3 of your core qualities you and I have some of the same qualitys. For me here are 3 of my core qualitys 1) I am very Loving I like to do nice things for people. 2) I am physical as well I like to give hugs I am a good Hugger. 3)I like to do nice things for people all these things give me Joy. The main thing that makes me happy is Jesus. Now when people see that I am a Christian they immediately judge me and think I am like everyone else but actually I am not. People think because I am Christian that I voted for Trump no way this man makes my blood boil I can not stomach seeing him on TV. I hope you do not get scared off because I am a Christian. I spread Love not hate and I think you are amazing and I am glad that you are happy! Looking forward to going on this journey with you. You talked about how you like to make other people feel beautiful . The truth is I do not feel beautiful at all. I am trying to work on that. Take Care Hugs and Love sent your way.

I repeated myself on number 3) I love to make other people feel Beautiful.

Stef. I missed you. I am so happy u r better. Much love.

I've been on this planet a long time and trying to find my true nature is still a chore. I too want to help others - but it's hard to be natural about it. The greatest set of words I found that hit my core was "I care" and that is where I function, usually. Your video was positive. I made it to the end (FYI) - Just enjoy yourself - we are told so many times negative comments - it hammers us down. Finding oneself or when I contact my spiritual side, I no longer have mass or even a body. I just am. I've watched your videos for a little while and seen some of your reality, like after surgery for instance, and I think you're a force to be reckoned with and I hope all things are good.

I hear you, and I see your flowers. When I see my grizzly bear today, I'm going to boop it's nose, say 'tag! You're it!' and run off giggling. Sending you virtual hugs Steph.

Of course I watched the whole video ;) Stef, I have been around your channel for so long and yes, I observed your change. I remember you being happy and funny when I first watched your videos. And yes, I observed you becoming darker although you always seemed to be a "deep thinker" (idk if that is a proper formulation). And yes, you changed again. And I absolutely love it. Because I feel so connected. I have the feeling that I developed in a similiar direction and I'm looking forward to your upcoming videos. Maybe you inspire me even more than you did until today. Lots of love and greetings from Germany

Your video just helped me realize I'm doing the same thing to myself -- right now. I've been trying to ignore my personality traits (nurturing, caring, etc) because I see them as a weakness. I've been trying to act the way I think people want me to, for a long time, and it needs to stop. I'm so glad you had this revelation about yourself, Stef. You genuinely seem like a much happier version of yourself because it's your true self. I hope I can find the courage to be that way.

I swear I’ve heard you say “I want to spread hope and laughter” before. Maybe it was in a video from forever ago or maybe it’s just déjà vu, but I’m really glad you’re feeling like yourself again. I was concerned for you when it seemed like you slowly spiraled into darker and darker places, and then came back from not posting, seeming almost manic. I never said anything tho, cause I felt like it wasn’t my place. Just bc I watch your videos and follow you on social media or relate to your situation doesn’t give me the right to comment about your life, yah know? but you slowly had built yourself into such a dark headspace that tearing it all down so quickly seemed like on extreme to the next. Tho I was also aware that people don’t post everything on the internet, when you were feeling worse that made me a bit more concerned bc people don’t tend to let on how much they’re actually hurting. I’m truly glad you took that break and rediscovered yourself and are healing and finding more positive things in your life

Stef, Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I noticed when u began sharing ur friendship with Phil with us that you had a certain look/twinkle in ur eye. I felt you were smiling a REAL smile and u were FINALLY happy. I found myself smiling as I watched ur videos as the 2 of you are running around not having a care in the world, like you are the only 2 around . I absolutely loved watching the eating pizza on the mountains and running in the snow and acting like kids even tho u are adults. You are SO amazing and I can’t wait to see what you and Phil have in store. I always have told people, I’m old enuf to know better, but too young to care, you are given one life, live it to the fullest. I hope I word this correctly and don’t say anything to offend, but I’m glad u are mixing ur channel up. Please don’t get me wrong, I know u are very passionate about ur trans videos, and I love watching them BUT, there is SO MUCH MORE about Stef Sanjati than just being trans. You are such an amazing, caring, beautiful, funny, intelligent, and I could keep going, person, if I were to put down a definition after ur name let’s just say it wouldn’t only consist of the word trans, it would say SO many more wonderful things !!! LUV U GURL, KEEP ON SMILIN’

Beautiful, Stef. You're glowing, exuding warmth. I feel at peace after watching this video. Take care, you deserve it. You're wise far beyond your years.

We love you. ❤

Watched it all, I'm bubbly, powerful and creative

What ever you do you have a talent for speaking and writing. You are more and have more to offer than just your gender.

I would say it resonates a lot with me, not only because I'm transgender MtF myself too but also because I sometimes end up with similar situations as a substitute teacher, I'm studying to become a teacher and working as a substitute teacher while at it. I would like to see how it goes now after this realization as I too may have use of hearing how someone else brings up these topics in an constructive way

I’m super happy for your growth and betterment! I only wish the the best for you. You do absolutely whatever you need to do to get on in life in a healthy manner. I’m glad you were able to pinpoint the problem and address it! We love you, Stef!

It is good to see a happier, healthier Stef. :)

Stef you are a role model in every single way! I have been watching you since you poped up in one of ALB's videos. Your commitment to the best option of yourself is beyond inspirational. Please keep on shining!

I really love the story you wrote!

I've had to go to psychologists and a psychiatrist for 3/4 years and one the current Psychologist doesn't want to diagnose me with PTSD. Without reason. It's disregarding to me a little because all I want ever in life is validation. Maybe she thinks I want benefits from it all or something similar, but honest to everything, not only is that a distressing thing to hear and acknowledge, but it's created another little tear. I haven't seen my psych for a few months now, but have been on my anti's. I feel everything you're saying Stef. I can only wish you the best and for more wonders to come into your life.

I’m so glad you have managed to get yourself to a place of happiness not everyone gets there sadly. I’m definitely going to carry on following you. I’m Trans myself but also know just because we are Trans that doesn’t mean there is so much more to us. Hope everything carries on going well for you. I watched all the way till the end. Ash xx

Stef... I am so happy for you. You seem better and happier. I wish you nothing but the best for the future.

Awe baby girl, I am SO proud of you!!! This video shows so much of you; you're glowing! No not your make-up (which looks fabulous), just you, you're glowing a ray of "Stef" and it's absolutely beautiful!

Stef, you're such an inspiration to me. I'm very happy that you feel so much better! You're an amazing woman! ❤️❤️❤️

As someone with PTSD this is so relatable.

Really glad I came back to hear this. I admit I was worried and couldn't watch for a while. I most definitely do not want to see you hurting. Please do not worry about your viewers. Do what's good for you and it will be good for everybody else too.

Proud of you girl

This is my favorite video of yours. I started writing down my core traits shortly after this video and it was a really empowering experience. While I don’t feel comfortable sharing what I wrote here in the comments, the point is that I actually wrote them down. Thank you Stef, this genuine you gives me so much excitement to see what comes next ❤️

Yes! Little buns! Ugh! Missed hearing this.

You look so cute with pig tails. And i love that you are truly happy. It takes a lot of work to get there and even more work to stay there. Stay strong.

For what it's worth, I've watched your videos for a very long time, and the videos that have stuck with me the most are the happier ones (one of my fave ones is the one where you decorate for Christmas on November the 1st with your mum, which I frequently revisit whenever I feel a bit down). I think that is because it shines through somehow, that you felt better making that kind of content. Not to say that your other kinds of content haven't been amazing and informative as well, but I'm not at all mad to see this change happening, and I'm so happy you're feeling better!

Stef, this hit me hard. I think I needed to hear this message and you gave it. I've been struggling with my place in the world, as a trans man who's finally started to pass. I'm treated as a man now, which is all I ever wanted, but it's also brought so many insecurities because I didn't have that boyhood to learn those male social rules. I don't know what kind of man I'm going to be yet. And I think in all of this confusion, I forgot that I am other things than just a man. So here we go: I'm an artist. I'm very creative, I am compassionate and a positive person. Though I'm not a fixer of problems, I'm someone who listenes and helps because I try to understand others and make others feel understood. I think and feel deeply about things, which can be distressing at times and exhilarating at other times. I'm hard-working and passionate and I love to fill my life with new experiences, even though new things scare me. And I have a lot of joy. Life is hard, but wonderful and I feel the best when I can share my joy of how damn gorgeous this world and its people are.

Omg I now know what ptsd really is and that I have it . I beat myself up every day for things I did months ago even years ago and worry and hide

U are the woman I look up to above all others

I got to the end! I recently have been taking the approach that my identities, whilst they're ever present in my life, aren't something I need to exhaust myself with coming up with all of the answers for solving oppressions - it is triggering to cptsd, and I've been actively working to improve my life and understand these triggers.

I'm here for this awesome chapter, so glad that you are freeing yourself and healing

Glad ur keeping ur head up being bipolar ain't always easy.

I have not been diagnosed with bipolar but the sentiment is true!

Hey Stef I've been a follower of your content for some time now, I've seen the manner in which you develop and its quite encouraging. I know for some years now since the passing of my mother I believed that I was the one who needed to carry the pain for everyone so they felt better around me. That was killing me, I had depression and anger. I had a form of PTSD because for my entire school career I was bullied and ostracized for being different. Now I try actively to let go everyday to the point where I can move forward. Long story short I love the direction you looking its encouraging, one positive step at a time.

Your caring nature is what brought me to your channel in the first place. I’m so happy that you’re feeling well! -Leslie

Looking forward to watching you continue to bloom.

I honestly don't know who I am anymore.I feel like social media is making me sick and I am in my darkest place now.I find this video somewhat soothing in a way I can't describe.Glad you are being so honest and I know how hard it is to put yourself out like that with so many people writing you.

You are brilliant and so insightful and now, so loving to yourself. Biggest hug ♥️♥️♥️

as long as your happy stef

I know this comment will probably get ignored because it's almost a day later, but anyway. I left a comment on one of your older videos that got a lot of attention about everyone having their own small role in the world. It is counter productive to want to fix absolutely everything in the world because the individual can't. It's impossible. So you need to choose what you're passionate about and get involved at a level you are able. I'm glad you are finding your role. Your personal role Stef. And it's small. But that's ok. Because it matters.

oof this video is so beautiful and helpful

So, so excited about the new content. Love the new direction with Atavists.

Just being yourself online is a form of activism :) If you just post updates on your life you will be proving to the world trans people can just exist without having to fight tooth and nail just to exist.

I feel like I related to this so much on a very deep level. I have CPTSD and for a long time I was in a traumatic and violent environment. When I got out of that environment I didn't know how to cope because it was all I ever knew so I started becoming that toxic environment on the inside triggering myself every day and taking on the role of this activist much like stef did. I was put on a pedestal by others for being some kind of "war hero" to them simply because I'm a minority and I'm a survivor of trauma but that wasn't who I was. I didnt want to be some dark edgy hero, I was miserable. So when I started changing and being happy I was no longer damaged angry "activist" standing up to fight a war that seemed like it was fighting for form justice 24/7 when really the only war going on was inside myself. They mistook me being happy and stable for me being unstable and putting on happy persona when really all I was being was myself. This is really long but bottomline being, I related a lot and I think I needed to hear this. I'm always amazed how much people can resonate with each other if we just take a moment to listen. Thank you for making this video.

THIS IS MY EXACT EXPERIENCE and I'm so glad you shared this because it makes me feel less alone in what I'm feeling! Thank you!

Sis literally none of your videos have been making it on my subscription page omg, you look hella good though

Stef, I am SO happy to hear you have reached this level of clarity and emotional growth, I can see and hear the happiness in you, keep it up! It looks good on you

Love you Stef. I think your an amazing woman.

❤️❤️ I showed my mom this video today and I think she subscribed. Honestly, I understand you so much, I did the same thing last year and seeing you grow is so wonderful. I'm so glad you're doing better and just

I love this video. I'm so happy you're feeling better now, Stef. What resonates with me the most is telling yourself that some of your personality traits are bad. And that having them makes you a bad person. In new places and company, I'm very reserved, quietly observing and thinking in a corner. It takes me a long time to open up. Then people started telling me that I'm somehow wrong for not being talkative, and after that, I started to compare myself to all the people who are talkative and are so eagerly throwing themselves in new situations. I felt I'm not good enough and eventually developed social anxiety. And only now, at 26 years of age, I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm not a bad person -- I'm simply a bit different from others. It also helped that some new acquaintances described me as cool! Not shy or quiet or reserved, which often have negative connotations, but cool! And that's an admirable trait, I think. So nowadays, I'm trying to think about my personality more kindly. My personality traits can be made very useful, and a psychologist has helped me a lot, for example in finding a fitting position for myself in group works -- that is, a secretary, which allows me to be actively involved and still deeply think and reflect on my own thoughts and the discussion around me. It's been helpful for me to realize that not everyone has to be super social and talkative in order to find a place in the society!

You look cute with your hair like that :) Good work on the video and figuring yourself out. Just remember that we change. I'm not the person I was, and not the person now that I'm going to be.

great video stef! i think i'm in a pretty similar place. i'm realizing that spending my life arguing for my right to exist just because i happen to tick all the marginalized boxes (queer/trans/disabled/minority faith/mixed race/etc etc etc) isn't feasible or healthy at all. i just recently shut down my tumblr and left to go do real life things to find fulfillment. there's a whole world out there and there's also power in just existing and living my life and becoming happy as the person i am, and i'm glad that your new content reflects that!! i don't want to be killing myself fighting all the time when it's just not in my nature or ability. i want to see other trans people be happy! other queer people and other jews and disabled people and mixed asians! i want to see people like me who are happy, so i remember that it's possible!! i don't mind having to talk about my pronouns or health in real life where it affects my day to day life but....the internet? really? most of yall dont need to know. i shouldn't have to rip my wounds open all the time for shit that you can google. it's not my job. we gotta find happiness in minding our own business too lmao.

I'm so so so proud of you Stef. I've been here for so long and I will never stop supporting you. You are phenomenal, inspirational, beautiful, creative, strong, everything I'd love to be, honestly. You always have been, regardless of the content you released. But we know what was happening was hurting you and I love that you're moving away from it for yourself, and I LOVE the way you're expressing yourself now. Seeing comfort in yourself is gorgeous. Keep on keeping on

Omg... As a person with PTSD and an activist this is so much to think about. Thank you

I listened to the end. I truly enjoyed this video, especially the part on reflecting on your characteristics and re-framing those into positives. And I am really looking forward to your adventures with the atavists and have enjoyed all the content so far. Have fun and practice reckless optimism.

This was lengthy I should have made a coffe before I started. That said great video

Anyone else cry watching this? I NEED HUGS!

You got to take care of yourself first before the rest of the world. At the end of the day the only person your with 24/7 is you. I am slowly going on my own path and journey almost totally alone. However the only way the world will change is through our kids. I am a parent of a wonderful 4 year old boy. He is more boy than I ever could have been. He is just a wonderful smiling happy boy. He is sensitive like me somewhat since he could speak he would call me mom then as he gets older its mom I mean dad. But I don't correct him. I tell him its ok to call me mom. You can call me whatever you like to. To show him openness love and compassion. He asks to wear some of my body spray and I tell him its ok and spray a little on him. I know he will grow out of it I don't see as much of me in him like that but his mom will do the opposite and try to shame him into being a total boy. I tell him its ok to be you. We are all individuals we can be different. If we weren't the world would be a boring place. That's how the world will change heal and get brighter. One child at a time. To show them love acceptance and tolerance.

at the core i'm loud, passionate and thoughtful! i like to laugh really loud and i really are about animals and mother earth. you gave me hope again, Stef, thank you. i'm so hapoy that you're happy and that you're embracing who you are at the core.

Stef, you're so awesome. Thank you for being yourself, but also adressing your viewers' concerns. As a viewer, one begins to feel as though the person you're watching is like a friendly neighbor with whom you chat from time to time. So, naturally, when that person you're so used to seeing in a particular context starts to change or disappears, we feel worried. We only see small extracts of your life, so, if you're behaving out of your regular character, we assume that's how you are all the time. We do not see the reasons for said change, nor do we see the details of it. So thank you for clarifying the stuff you're going through!

i watched the whole video. i’m so happy for you. and i used to say that phrase casually, but i’ve had my own grizzly bear and valley now, and it’s more significant to me now. stef, i’m glad you’re healing, and i am so, so happy for you. you’ve been bread mom for a long ass time, but primarily, you’re a person who can live just as happily as others, and i’m so grateful to hear you get there, and see it. your demeanor is much brighter, like you’re freer, and i’m happy you’ve reached that for yourself

You are nurturing just like your mum

Loved you back then and will definitely love you now. I also feel that have evolved a lot while watching you. You are such a positive being

This was all so lovely to hear from you and it's so wonderful to know you're doing so well!!! I had kind of needed to hear something like this as well, truly thank you Stef

Can totally relate to "poking the bear", and I remember how I felt when I stopped too. I'm not easily brought to tears, but you got me teary-eyed when you talked about how clear your mind feels now because I totally get what you mean. It is such a joy to hear that you feel so much healthier now, and such a joy to see your new content. I feel like we're seeing more of your great personality. Keep it up!

I’m so grateful that you chose to share this with us and I’m so proud of you. I can relate to a lot of this and I’m so glad you’re you

vigilante groups are forming, and you will soon get what's coming. trannies should be burned alive, and instead of wooden logs for the fire, we should use the legs and arms of dismantled homosexuals. and get the homosexuals without arms and legs and put their torso to face the fire, so they can watch you burn with fire fueled by their own arms and legs. they will watch you burn alive while they give their final breath, from the bleeding cuz we pulled out their limbs.

I am so damn Happy that you are back to who you are at your core. I missed you so much. From a fellow nurturing woman I understand you fully. ♥️

Stef, you are wonderful and perfect the way you are. You are not destructive and clumsy, and if I hear you say any more negative comments about you I'm going to unsubscribe.

Welcome to the the other side.

My goodness Stef, I watched this video four times and you have told my story and I am 40 years old!!!! I can't thank you enough for sharing you with me and the world and telling my story right along with your own.... You are amazing and beautiful and never forget who you are ... Love from Ohio!!!!

This video was so wonderful Stef it felt like a breath of fresh air

It’s so hard to find positive videos on YouTube these days. Finally left a video feeling better than when I went in. Thank you so much

You’re so emotionally mature xx

Thanks for this Stef, I'm so happy that you feel better and that you can be yourself again :) honestly I feel like I'm where you were, I'm gonna do some self-reflection, but it's gonna take me a while. Thanks for the encouragement

YouTube hasn’t been recommending your videos to me for .. months

I love this video so much, I love the frankness. I feel like this is real Stef and real Stef is epic. I liked old Stef, I like new Stef. I liked old content, I like new content. I may have posted negative (ish) comments a cpl times but that's just my thing, I'm honest and frank to the point of almost being rude. If I don't like something I say it. If I do like I say that too. I like this. I like this channel I like this person.

I stopped watching because I could see you were a little stuck and it made me sad. I love this new thing you're doing. Keep going, girlfriend.

I'm currently in a shitty place, but hearing about how you found your way out of yours makes me actually believe that things can get better. Not only that, but you offered me ways to rethink my negative thought structures in a way that can actively help me. It is easy to view kindness and warmth as weakness, and I realized I am doing exactly that - but I have hope that there's a forest of serenity out there for me, too. Thanks, Stef. I'm looking forward to your future content!

stef sanjati 2028 when Canada and America unite?

Luv ya gurl! I’m with ya!

you are a good kittie, steph

haha hey you are a cat!

Legit watched the whole video while sketching and writing and I felt so at peace. Love hearing about where u are now and so happy that you’re doing good. New subscriber but I can’t wait to see what u have in the future

Thank you

please laugh your ass off at this: Cooking for somebody? Oh hell yeah!!! Cleaning for, ummmm anyone... ugh! not going to happen. Hugs Stef! Love this vid! You are so very strong and beautiful!

This resonates so much. I love seeing you so bright and happy

I missed you and I’m glad you’re back.

EPIC! Simply EPIC!!!

Your videos make me very happy. And I’m so happy you’re happy

Watched all of the video. I always watch them all the way through. (ok, not always with the VLOGS... I get bored easy with those, nothing against you, just ADD acting up!) I'll have to think on my personal traits, promise will! Be you, that's all we want, Well, all I want. You inspired me to be myself and accept myself. Like you, I want to help people, but I think being an "activist" is outside of who I am and what would be healthy for me and my family. On a side, not, PLEASE come to Vermont on your trips! I know myself and many others who would love to meet you!!

This is such an incredibly important video, thank you so fucking much Stef. I really needed to hear this. Because same, honestly, same. I too was recently in a place like what you described with constantly reopening wounds and reliving trauma and finding new trauma to put myself through and it was fucking awful. My story, I guess, is similar but also very different and the traumas I mentioned above were centered around this one person, an ex-friend. I’m not a mental health professional but I still think, given what I read and researched, that this ex-friend was (and still is, I still have to interact with them every fucking day in some of my classes) an abusive clinical narcissist. This is in no way me putting all of the blame on this person just because they put me through hell. But to be clear, they did. They manipulated me. They emotionally abused me. They put me down constantly. They gaslit me. They trash-talked me to other people while I was right there. They tried to sabotage me when I was succeeding with my writing (I’m studying creative writing in college). They put me through hell. But it’s not entirely fair to put all the blame on them and demonize them completely, it was always more nuanced than that. I knew subconsciously that I was uncomfortable, and that they were the source of that discomfort. I found myself becoming more and more angry with them even as I refused to do anything about it, or to even try to unpack for myself just why I was so angry. But I was afraid of being alone. For that reason I stuck around and let them continue to treat me like shit. I let them buy back my friendship with McDonald’s. Pretty fucking cheap, if you ask me. But it still fucking hurt all the fucking time. McDonald’s isn’t medicine. It took me three years to learn to value myself enough to leave and remove that person from my life. It’s been almost a year since the day that I took back my happiness, but only within the past few weeks do I think that I really started to heal. I had to leave another toxic environment, and once I did that, I realized that I was sleeping better, feeling more calm, smiling for real, able to look people in the eyes and hold actual deep conversations. All shit I hadn’t realized had been slowly taken away from me the three years I was friends with that emotional vampire. I finally started painting my nails again, and BITCH YES. I think it was so hard to leave that person in my past because, while they were emotionally and verbally abusive, they still taught me so much about who I have always been. They were the first trans person I met (the first person to introduce themself as trans to me, at least). They helped to introduce me to the vocabulary I had been missing my entire life, all the words and terms I had needed to be able to have a dialogue with myself to figure out why I hated my body so much, why it made me want to die every time I got called “girl” or “miss” or “young lady” as a kid. I’m trans. I’m nonbinary. I just didn’t know how to describe what I was feeling all my life until I met that ex-friend and they helped me start down that road of self-discovery. I think that that is ultimately why I remained friends with them for so long, I felt like I owed them that after they had played such a key role in that incredibly important moment in my life. What I didn’t realize during those three years of mostly hell was that I owed it to myself even more to surround myself with the people who made me feel good about myself, not those who tried to tear me down for some sad self-aggrandizement. And I honestly struggled to let myself see that until a few weeks ago. But I know it now and it feels so. fucking. good. I am getting better, fucking finally. Sometimes I cry randomly, not because I’m sad like I used to be, but because it just keeps hitting me that I actually feel good again. Happy tears for fucking once! So thank you Stef for sharing this video and your essay with us. I see so much of what you described having gone through mentally and emotionally in my own past as well, and it was a powerful reminder for me to hear you talk about healing and growth and finding happiness and fulfillment the way you did. Just thank you. I love you, you fucking beautiful human you! And I CANNOT wait to see what you create next and in the coming months/years. Thank you for all of that as well. I feel like I am always learning something so innately resonate from you, sometimes even when I don’t realize that I need to hear another person say it out loud.

Stef! This was a wonderful video. I used to watch your videos in the day, and I have to admit that I stopped (not unsubscribed) because you got so dark I felt like a bad person for watching you be so unhappy. When I saw your “get ready with me” video, I was delighted to see the sassy young lady return. I felt like I was seeing the part of you that you always intended to share. You are still a funny, intelligent, beautiful girl who now seems to have a handle on her own limitations. Self-awareness is a great strength. Welcome back! ❤️❤️❤️

SO well done Stef. Your story helps me understand my journey with mental health too. Thanks for your vulnerability, it's healing

I think you are so beautiful and very very intelligent. I am so thankful to be a subriber to you. This video is so important.

Yes, this. Re-subscribed. Proud of you, Stef, glad you’re back.

im so happy to see youre doing better, Stef, glad to see you back

Amen girl amen!!!!

so does this mean no more cringe worthy videos and youll be going back to posting interesting enlighten stuff?

i used to start my morning with several articles on tragedy and injustice and then wondered why i could never find the motivation to get out of bed. then one day i realized im no help to the cause when im depressed and anxious falsely guilty from all the responsibility i put on myself to be Informed and i decided 'shit, i know about enough tragedy to last me a lifetime, my research period is over, its time to get myself healthy so i can actually do something to help.' i started being much more selective to a point of selfishness about what i read and ive been on the road to a lifestyle that will allow me to help my own community in a sustainable way. i think this idea we have of the martyr activist actually scares people away from helping because they feel that theyll have to be perfect and in constant pain. we need to cultivate an ideal of everyone pitching in while taking care of themselves so theyll still be around to help tomorrow

Thanks for being honest

You're gorgeous.

This is such a good video and I think I needed to hear it.

Stef, I subscribed a long time ago because your content was incredible and interesting. You truly do seem to be much happier and better now. As for your personality, I'm glad you're seeing things in a better way because you are all of those good things you say you are. I'm glad you are better. This video (and your other videos) was helpful to me because I thought that being happy about myself was narcissistic or somehow cocky. Being confident is not bad, in anyway. Thank you for spreading this message and for being you ♥️

Thanks Stef. I’ve been going through a rough time and this video was exactly what I needed to hear

I watched the whole video. I guess I forgot how long the video was because your speech was so moving. *gives hug* I’ll stick with you Stef. I’m glad you’re in a good place now.

I love you sincerely too. Our paths are mirroring. I'm getting out of the mud too and it does help to see a fellow trans girl being happy and healthy. I love what you're doing and I love how hopeful you make me feel for my future. Love you Stef!!!!

I love this, Stef!

Thank you for this, im going through the hardest time of my life right now and you opened my eyes to how i can heal myself. You have a very nurturing and lightness about you that always drew me to your channel which is nice :) i suffer from PTSD and major depressive disorder and addiction so im struggling pretty hard with my recovery but thank you for this video it really helped me❤ no ones been able to get through to me but everything you said in this video described me and my feelings and how to fix it which is huge for me

Unsubscribe also where’s the Breast job video

Thanks for this video Bread Mama!!! I'm glad you're in a better place and that are gonna bring us on a new journey with atavism ❤

yass we love a reformed sjw!!!

Hey Stef, I just found your channel last week and in the beginning I was against trans. I commented one time and I said bad and mean things to you. I was blind I didn’t see who you really are. I’m sorry and forgive me for what I said before. Be happy !!

Now this is quality content. I'm so proud of you. You are such a beautiful, kind, radiant human being Stef Keep being your self and doing what you love-- greatness will surely follow.

I'm so incredibly grateful for this little moment of sincerity. I've been following you for 4 years and I've seen you go through so many things, you've accompanied me for so much time I feel that we grew together. It was a bit unsettling at first to see you acting so happy but because I didn't understand it actually meant that you ARE happy. And it shows, and it's inspiring. So I will continue to follow every one of your adventures and keep growing with you. I'm happy and proud of you. And so damn grateful that you exist, and that your mind is brighter now. It really makes me smile just to think of it. The future holds amazing things and I know you're going to rock it ♡ thank you so much!

i'm glad you're doing what's best for you

Doing more research I learned some of my mental health issues may be from a damaged brain (BPD people often have damaged limbic systems and low oxytocin levels) and I'm not sure what's being done to help that, "fix" that and hope eventually something is found, yet I don't want to lose my melancholic soul completely. About a month ago I was in a place that felt balanced, as if "happiness" and "depression" aren't two ends of a spectrum but two separate spectrums. I was literally looking up if it's possible to feel two things at once because I was for years (!!) solely just depressed. Then my childhood PTSD (I know now) and BPD side of myself ended up triggered. I lost that balance and am now struggling again. Although, I know who I am though (I don't have the BPD identity disturbance necessarily), I've never been a bubbly upbeat person, I'm quiet and reserved but open up once I get comfortable with people, which I feel is fine. At that point, I talk a lot but I am full of random facts and information it seems because learning is something I adore, so reading fits in quite well with that too (my home will someday be a fire hazard with books all over the place). Yet, I'm an adventurer and explorer, I prefer abandoned places or what I deem interesting places. I want to visit Centralia Pennsylvania and Waverly Hills Sanitorium. I want to see an actual ice hotel, a sink hole up close, so many places ... If people ask me where I want to go I want to see things not necessarily caring about where they are. I see beauty in darkness so I love vampires, ghosts and all those "dark" things. Yet, I dye my hair bright colors or dark depending on my mood depending on if I'm feeling more faerie/mermaid versus vampire, hah. I am obsessed with Legend of Zelda and want to dye my hair blue to do a sort of Zora look. I am short and was born polydactyly though my extra digit was removed at birth (I often like to pretend that's proof I'm an alien

Love yourself first!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs darling

I don't normally comment on videos but I felt such a strong feeling to tell you thank you for this video, all your videos I love watching you and can't wait to see your new videos, thank you for taking the time you needed for yourself because that's most important.

I'm proud of you for this. I have been doing something similar and you put into words the journey I have been going through myself. Thank you.

I have depression and anxiety. I'm medicated, and better, but I still have it. Seeing you in the awful place many months ago made my heart hurt. I'm so so so so so HAPPY that you are in a better place, feeling better, and stronger, and hopeful. It makes my heart sing. Thank you for sharing this with us. It's so good to see hope and love on the internet. (((hugs)))

Hey stef! We met on Yonge street once and it made my entire week. I have borderline personality disorder as well as complex ptsd. I have 17 other diagnoses health issues. I’m also two spirit and NB. We also share a beautiful talented trans woman tattoo artist (hey Rowan if ur reading this ily) I’m a mother. I have a beautiful 7 year old girl. Who I want to teach that the world can be a beautiful place. When I hear her call herself beautiful it brings tears to my eyes to know I raised her to have that confidence even though I hate myself. I’m a caring person to a fault. I will go out of my way to help to a point I harm myself. I also self harm. I have tried to “commit” (the right term is complete) suicide. At least two dozen times. But I am weak and that’s okay to be soft and weak. I’m on something called a spirit journey with my traditional native healer (I’m Inuit) and it’s changed how I see myself. You’re someone I’ve followed for about 6/7 years. I used to see you pre transition when you were a MUA and I was just in awe of your beauty and intelligence and id just support your work from a far. I’m also a MUA like you! I loved your videos about how different life is as a MUA whose femme. It’s so true that my mentor John Sheehy he told me how to proproerly make sure I’m taken seriously. Cause he doesn’t have to show up with hair and make up done too We met in the summer and when I saw you my entire face just lit up. I felt so bad for bothering you but it made my entire month not even my dad or week. I saw you just look so happy and more comfortable with yourself than I saw before. You’re also very tiny and I’m 6 feet tall so I’m sorry if when we hugged (which sorry if that wasn’t okay to do but I just wanted to give a gesture to show you that you matter to me. I also whipped out my current rowan sleeve and let you go on) You’re beautiful and valid and I hope to meet you again soon

ive always felt similar to you since i started watching your videos a few years ago, never really sure why until this video. I related to a lot of how you seemed to be feeling and this video is so good, everything youre talking about are either concepts i realized recently or absolutely hit me like a brick of something i need to be doing. Thanks for making this, and for making all the videos you have over the years. Cant wait to see what you do moving forward

“You can feel this way... I want you to feel this way.”

I’m half way through and WOW you really make me feel empowered. We bad bitches.

"I felt like torturing myself psychologically was helping but it wasnt" mood girl i had a similar epiphany recently i feel that struggle, glad youre doing better

it funny to me how similar that grizzly bear story is to a visual story i used to tell when dealing with my anger and rage that is a result of trauma and my adhd. i used to try and make people visualize a wall with a hole, a person holding a chain on one side and a tiger chained through the hole on the other. the chain is short enough that the tiger can't reach around unless the person lets go. the thought is that if i let go the tiger would eat me and then get lonely. my problem is obviously way different, but i just thought it funny that we were both fighting animals.

Aw youre so pretty♡ Youve been glowing recently and i love your makeup recently

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's because of the videos you make that I finally figured out what I was feeling and then found the courage to come out. You will always have my support and gratitude. Thank you.

“I was in pain, and I was angry, and I was lonely, but those are not personality traits. That’s not who I am.” Why did I need this so much? I’m honestly mind blown because you’re absolutely right. We shouldn’t be defined by those things or add such a negative connotation because eventually we believe it.

no. I like your videos when you are happy. So be happy.

I’m glad you’re in a good place, Stef. It bothered me to see all those comments talking about manic states just bc you weren’t feeling down. I am also deaf in one ear, but I’m the opposite. I’m apparently too quiet while I think I’m talking at an audible level. I am so clumsy too. My life is straight up a physical comedy from the 1920s

5 mins in pausing to comment After moving across the country last year, my health tanked. I'm still in the thick of crawling out of that, still in a volatile job situation, still processing, so I don't know what's going on with me quite yet. But I wonder if it's partially a culmination of years of bleeding in an attempt to help others - if it's like what you went through. - Finished the vid I'm not sure what to say about myself. I don't want to overshare. Every now and then I get centered and oriented, but it's so easy to get lost and frantic again. It's wonderful you're healing. I'm so happy to see you shine, and it's so dang awesome you're gonna be traveling. Thank you so much for the video, and for everything you do! And thank you /so much/ for putting up boundaries.

Fuckkkkk bits of this really hit home

9:07 hit me for real

I value how articulatly you explain your emotions. You've been really inspiring in your videos lately and I really appreciate the messages you're able to get out

Thank you for...all of this. Thank you for that honesty and for that wormth.

You have so much emotional maturity. You go, girl. You’re doing great things.

You're such a beautiful human being. You radiate peace. You spread joy. I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself and healing. ❤️

This video resonated a lot with me... I've realised recently that I usually take on a lot of responsibility that isn't really mine to take on, and that it isn't good for me or for the people that I care about and that I'm trying to help. This video helps me feel like I can change that about myself and live a better, healthier and happier life - so thank you, Stef!

I love that "raw" stef (again). Words are power

I’m so happy for you stef

The musician

i love you so much stef! so happy you're in a better place, you deserve this

I’ve watched the whole video

Great ideas!

Stuck around for the whole video!

One of the rare times when someone else's experiences really moved the needle for me was the one where you and your mother returned to your home town and you shared those experiences with the viewers. I can have a thousand experiences or ten thousand and not rise above a topor but that one was the exception so I thank you for it ....... you really moved the needle.

Honestly i really get what you’re talking about. I watch all of your stuff all the time and I feel like we would have such an giving conversation. In the past year I’ve also found myself and people have a tendency to tell me that suddenly I’m boring or “not being myself” but no one seems to understand that all I was before was a mask, a face I put on for the word to, just like you, try to help it. But I realized that these people didn’t actually care about me they just cared about what I could GET for them or GIVE them and I gave them all of it. Now when I decided to take it back they suddenly can’t treat me the same and that probably scares them because suddenly I’m different from what they knew but for me it just feels like I’ve finally just found everything that I’ve been afraid of and I’ve just embraced it. You’re break for four weeks was nothing, I was away for a year and some people haven’t even noticed I’ve left and... I think I’m fine with that you know? I really don’t need those kind of people anymore cuz the first time in FOREVER I have myself! It’s so liberating to just be.. content. People are always gonna have something to say no matter what you do, even if you’re perfect (nobody likes a perfect “trying-to-hard-person” amirite???) some people will have something nasty to say and unfortunately those people usually screams the loudest.. you keep doing you gurl! I’ll keep letting you inspire me and I’m so excited about your journey and all your new projects!! I wish you the best and I wish that you keep all your strength to the bad days and come out stronger every. damn. time.

This is a good video. And you're right, there are many ways to do activism and I'm sure you'll continue to do it in your own way and in a less stressful way. Just your presence and your ideals are valuable. I love your body positivity asides in your videos. You don't even need to explain yourself fully. Don't worry so much. Your content will be apreciated either way.

I wonder just how many more times I’ve got to see this video, it’s good

Happiness ❤️

So I should give up on the tits video? Got it. There’s enough happy people making happy videos but hop on that bandwagon

Steph, I started following you when you were in that hopeful place that you talked about, and I’m so proud of you for realizing what you need to do to grow. I love you so much, and I’m so so glad you’re feeling better than you have been. I’m so thankful that we can watch your journey towards healing, and thank you for trying to make your corner of the internet the peaceful meadow you found.

I don't know who I am.

u is a pigeon

Thank you for taking us through your journey. It's so difficult to deal with, feeling like you have to be a martyr or beacon for your community and constantly internalize the negativity and issues of the world. Being trans/non binary does not automatically come with this badge of martyrdom or activism, we reserve the right to talk about our experiences in a way that is helpful and safe for us. Love you Stef, I hope your adventures are epic

Stef, I appreciate your video, but hun, you don't have to explain yourself to us or anyone else. I've admired your honesty ever since I found your channel. And it's made, or should I say, helped me come to terms with myself that for along time I've denied. And turned away from because I didn't want to face or admit to the issues.  People like you who post videos like these and others.  Are lights of hope that help others find their way through the dark. So, please don't stop shine on because it really does help.  It doesn't seem like it at times.  But believe me it does help thank you, thank you, thank  you,  for just being honest, for being real, and just being you. We your subscribers need our bread mom, Love ya! PEACE!

aw Stef, this video came at the perfect time for me.

Hi Stef! First - this is a beautiful video. I do just however want to point out that I find the use of the word "bipolar" in the thumbnail upsetting and potentially damaging. I know this was not at all your intention, but in the context of: "unstable? bipolar? dangerous? NO," this contributes to harmful stereotypes about bipolar disorder. I am someone with bipolar disorder, and seeing the word used in this way is unfortunate. I understand that you are trying to literally tell people that you do not in fact have bipolar disorder, that you are not unstable or dangerous, and that you are healthy and healing, but the way it is used in the thumbnail (unintentionally) equates "bipolar" with "unstable" and "dangerous." Again, I'm really happy for you and am honoured to be a part of this community, and that you are being so generous and vulnerable in this video. I know it was not your intention and that you are just trying to be honest and correct people's assumptions about you, but I just wanted to point out that framing the word "bipolar" in that way in the thumbnail is hurtful, at least to me as someone who IS bipolar. Lots of love, excited to see what's next for you and this channel

I really appreciate you taking the time with such a thoughtful reply. I totally get what you're saying about how people have invalidated your experiences of a normal range of human emotion and joy by calling it mania, that's awful and I'm sorry you've experienced that. I can also understand how you wanted to attract those people to the video so you can educate them. I can see now how you intended to use it but I really appreciate you acknowledging how it might be interpreted differently and changing it. So thank you for being receptive, and lots of love to you!!

I hear what you're saying. I used it because it in the thumbnail because I talked about discussing a diagnosis of bipolar II with my psychiatrist and therapist a handful of times and now any time I seem to behave in any way other than completely flat in tone or absolutely miserable, people sling it at me almost like an accusation or as "proof" that I'm not really happy or healing. It is the most common and frustrating misunderstanding of my happiness - it's painted as a manic episode by people. I used the word in the thumbnail specifically to lure those people in so they could learn something and stop misusing the term and diagnosis. However, I see what you're saying and will update the thumbnail when I'm not on the road.

Are you a Taurus?

Nope! Sagittarius rising and sun, aquarius moon.

this was a great video. i'm so glad you're doing well, you deserve to be happy and peaceful

I do have to tell ya, I stopped watching for a while because it got painful and uncomfortable to watch your videos. I couldn't nail what it was but I just slowly stopped watching. I'm so happy you've found your center again. You're an awesome human, keep moving forward love

Thumbs up for the "trips over air" club

is it weird i havent even watched the full video yet but my anxiety went a little down already after feeling like complete shit haha anyways now ima watch it

Thank you.

Absolutely beautiful, needed to hear all of this today. Congratulations on your inner peace. Much love from Nebraska!

I LOVE seeing people normalize self growth and getting to know yourself and start loving yourself. I’ve been working on myself so hard for so long and I’ve gotten so much shit for it. So thank you!!

I'm still here with you Stef, I'm so glad you're doing better. Thank for for spreading your light so I can now see that better is possible ❤

glad you have peace Stef love yah stay positive fam

My love language is also touch, which defines me more than I like to admit. I never had any sort of physical relationship with my family, we dont hug or touch each other in general and it was normal to me because I didn't know beter. I was not aware of this so later on I became depressed and I didn't know what was going on, I just felt empty. I didn't feel love from others and even worse, I was not able to show my feelings, which was hurting me. But I had no idea until I had a boyfriend when I was 19. No one should surpress their love language.

Steph sweetie I really need your help I've been on the edge of well nothing good I need your help for real girl

I think people were worried because they thought - if you are not suffering yourself, you are not relatable anymore, as if you wouldn't understand them because you are better now. it's completely opposite. you know how it is to feel bad 24/7 but you have found the way out and now you want to give people even more so you possibly help them to get through the bad stuff. this shit is weird. I don't understand people sometimes

I love your content for you, no matter the theme. You are my friend :) you have my support! We all go to the same place one day, and this may likely be our only shot- so please please please, be only your truest self in this life! Don’t hold back for anyone or anything.

Stef I love you so much. You are just wonderful human being who is growing and changing and we all as humans do that. Sometimes it is so f****** hard but that's just how life goes. Maybe you can do meet & greet in Europe somewhere for your European fans :D That would be so great :D

in my core I'm just a guy who happens to be trans. I want to help people, especially LGBT+ youth. that's why I'm making videos in my native language because information in Latvian about the trans topics is not existent. right know I'm scared tho because I agreed to do an interview for a TV news channel couple weeks ago and yesterday the interview went live. the interview was meant to be about my job experience as a foreigner worker in the Netherlands but the video of this interview wasn't about it that much, it was about me being trans. I don't mind people knowing I'm trans, I'm scared about losing my current job because I fucking love it. I live in a small country in Northern Europe called Latvia. it's a post-USSR country, and it means that all the stuff related to LGBT+ is not as validated as it should be. okay, I don't know where I'm going with this but I felt like I can talk about this right know. you made me feel safe. thanks!

I love watching you grow and heal. When I found your channel, it was primarily for the transition updates to educate myself, but I very quickly fell in love with your personality, even if you have seem to change “character” and “image” a few times over that period of time, I always attributed that to experimentation and trying to found out who you were and could be as you disphoria deminished. We are about the same age, and I have been able to mirror myself in your experience from the get go. About the same time as your mental health drop, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I could see my own experience in your videos, but your presence was always so calming and made me feel better. I am doing better now than I have for years, and I am proud of both of us for healing and making the decisions nessicary for us to be happy. I look forward to seeing both of us grow and bloom and flourish. I look forward to get to know the version of your truest self you choose to show us. And I look forward to getting to know myself and keep growing alongside you

I’ve been a viewer for a long time and I’m so excited for and proud of you. It warms my heart to see you progress and feel as happy as you can be. I look forward to watching and supporting your progress. You are truly a beautiful human being, radiating from who you are inside to the glow we can all see on the outside. You are such a truly compassionate person and it makes me smile to see another person coming back to the peaceful valley after fighting for so long. I know I don’t know you in person but I still hope the best for you everyday. ❤️

Such a beautiful, helpful, positive video. Thank you for sharing, Stef. :)

When you talked about reopening all your ptsd wounds and trying to be a martyr it reallyy made me think about how hard ive been trying to fix/control everything around me when really i cant & it's destroying me mentally and making it impossible to move on in my life and actually do anything good

Thank you so much for this heart to heart. I really appreciate it.

Stef, I love this.

Hey lady! I love your hair in this one! Great video. Love you!

Stef, where's Lucy?

Have you thought about doing makeup videos? I remember you did a couple way back that had poetry with them, and that would be cool as well as silly makeup stuff

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